Marriage makes life better

At least, a lot of young single women (and maybe men) seem to think so.  They believe that once they get married, life will be just grand.  Let's examine this thought a little more deeply.  As a single person, I have one set of problems: my own.  I know my problems, I know my reactions, my resources, and my ability to deal with these issues.  I also have control over my reactions.  Money troubles?  I can control how much I spend and how much I make (to a certain extent).  Someone's dirty socks are on the floor?  No problem, they're my socks, I left them there, and if they bother me I can pick them up.  I'm grumpy?  It's OK, there's no one at home to be impacted by my bad mood.

On the other hand, married people have two sets of problems - his and hers.  Wait, make that three sets - his, hers, and theirs.  But each partner still only has control over themselves.  So if there are money troubles, I can reduce my spending but can't control what he spends.  And if I do something silly that causes those money problems (say, for example, get lots of speeding tickets), my actions impact more than just me.  And I am similarly impacted by my spouse's actions. 

Not only does marriage bring in other people's problems to my life and reduce the amount of control I have to remedy those problems, it can make you look weird and do silly things, like this.

So how can multiple sets of problems be better than just one set of problems?  Because even though you may have more problems, you've also got more resources to throw at those problems.  Instead of one person worrying about things, you've got two.  And you know the saying, two heads are better than one.  And if I get grumpy, there is someone there to help me be happy.  Of course, there is also someone there to make me grumpier.  Oh wait, I have control over how grumpy I am.  In situations where the problem can't be fixed, or in times of sadness, or times of great joy, there is someone to share the feelings with.  There is someone there to play with and consult with and to look weird and be silly with.  And of course, there's someone there to kill the spiders you don't want to deal with.  So maybe marriage can be better than single life.

Perfectly Imperfect

Living the single life is great.  There is no one to point out your quirks.  You can leave your socks on the floor, or stack the dishes in the sink and only wash them once a week all in the name of efficiency.  You can wear your Mickey Mouse ears around the house, and have a different colour of fuzzy bunny slippers for every day of the week. You can have ketchup on your peanut butter sandwiches  and double dip your chips. You can basically do whatever you want, and no one will tell you you are weird.

It is only through interaction with others, relatively close and ongoing interaction, that you start to realize, maybe what is normal to you isn't quite so normal to the rest of the world.  Living with roommates can provide this type of interaction, but it's not always effective.  When I was younger and had roommates, I just assumed that they were the weird ones.  And then as I got older (I'd say "more mature", but I'm sure someone would dispute that), I just got better roommates who were too polite to point out most of my oddities.  Thanks DB.  Although the more I think about it, the more I realize that it is may not just be politeness that kept some of my roommates quiet.  It may also be the unvoiced, probably unrecognized fear that, if I point out their oddities, they might point out mine.  And I really don't want to know how weird I am.  Because I can call myself weird, and sort of recognize that I may have some habits that are different from most people, but until I start truly noticing what others do in different situations, and comparing myself, or being compared to, others, I don't know exactly how weird I am.  Which means I can be happy in my weirdness.  I can be completely normal, because I define what normal is, and as a single, my main frame of reference for "normal" is what ever I like. 

While there is nothing wrong with being weird, I have found that maintaining such a limited frame of reference can make it really easy to overlook my shortcomings.  When I don't notice, or just blatantly ignore my weaknesses because I think it's not impacting anyone else, I am losing opportunities for growth and becoming stagnant.  I need to interact with others, and do so with an open mind. Without the opportunity to see how others work, I may miss out on a better way to do things.  Without seeing what other people eat, I may miss some delicious foods.   Without listening to, and truly hearing, the opinions and ideas of others, I will almost certainly end up with an extremely limited perspective on life, and will miss the joy that comes from increasing in wisdom and understanding.  And without watching how others serve and worship and keep their covenants, I will certainly miss out on ways to improve my relationship with my Saviour and better see how I can reach my potential as a daughter of God.  But even as I expand my frame of reference for "normal", I'm sure there are some quirks I will hold onto.  Not because I necessarily like to be quirky (although sometimes it's fun), but because I just like to be me.  And becoming perfect does not mean becoming just like everyone else.

Action

I almost forgot to share a part of my trip.  On my way home from the conference I met a neurologist.  He's single, and we talked for an hour and a half, then exchanged contact information.  And when we said goodbye, he gave me a kiss!

A few more details will change the story.  He's divorced, at least 70, and he sat next to me on the plane, so there was no escaping the conversation.  Which was quite interesting.  And the kiss was a grandfatherly peck on the cheek.  It sounds so much better though to just say "I met a single doctor and he kissed me."

Awkward Questions

You all know the ones - for singles the most common one is "why are you still single?"  (although people often try to phrase it in a 'nice' way, like "you're such a great girl, why hasn't some man snapped you up yet?")  For married people, there are ones like "when are you going to have kids?", or "when are you going to stop having kids?", or "when are your kids going to start behaving better?"

I heard a new one this weekend at a single adult conference.  The sad part is, the questioner was only recently married herself, so she should have been fully aware of the awkwardness of her question.  The funny part was, none of the participants in the conversation seemed to find it awkward (maybe this is a sign that I'm a little bit odd, but I'm not admitting to anything).  The newly married woman was talking to a man and a woman who were obviously dating, and she asked them, "so, are you guys going to get engaged soon?"  Seriously?  Who asks that?  I mean, maybe your parents, but a new or casual acquaintance?  Didn't she realize that is a very personal, and possibly dangerous question? 

What if the answer was no, we're actually going to break up at the end of the night?  Or what if one of them answered yes and the other one answered no?  What if they'd never talked about it, or thought about it?  I'm sure her question was a motivator in some way.  Maybe they talked about it after she walked away and were engaged by the end of the conference. Or maybe they talked about it and broke up by the end of the conference.  If I had been one of the couple, it might have motivated me to say something rude to her, along the lines of "mind your own business".   Which is probably about as polite as my standard answer to "why are you still single?"  If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't still be single, would I?

As a side note, I enjoyed the conference, (thanks for going with me CJ).  Of all the people I met, only two or three asked me what I do for work, and only one of those was visibly intimidated by my job.  The two most memorable moments were getting very seriously hit on, in part because I don't wear much makeup (good thing I've managed to resist all of my mother's efforts to get me to 'at least wear some lipstick'), and hiking with some other single ladies over 35 on Cougar Mountain.  That's right, cougars on Cougar Mountain.  Sadly, there was no prey in sight.  The only single males we saw were under the age of 12, well below the age cut off for a cougar companion.

Accessorizing

I recently read a very interesting article in the Globe and Mail about women "not dating", but instead having a "gaggle" of male friends, one for every occasion.  It made me laugh, and think that perhaps Mormons are ahead of the trend, as we've apparently been "hanging out" for years without dating. (See Elder Oaks' fantastic CES broadcast from May 2005, as condensed in the June 2006 Ensign, where he talks about dating versus hanging out)

According to the article, you can have a gaggle of men and still have a boyfriend.  That's fabulous news - I'd get right on it, if I had any idea where (or how) to pick up a gaggle.  But truthfully, I do have a gaggle of one (can it really be a gaggle if there's only one member? I think he'd just be a goose, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being called a goose.)  DD, thanks for being a great non-date.

Brain Freeze

I have discovered another benefit to not being single - increased mental activity, or a broader scope of awareness and understanding.  I live alone (DB, I know, you're thinking, 'it's your own fault for moving away'), mostly work alone, do some solitary sporting activities, often vacation alone.  As you might imagine, that results in a whole lot of talking to myself.  As you might also imagine, that gets pretty boring after a while.  I'm an OK conversationalist when I have someone to work with and feed off of - when I'm just talking to myself, the conversations can get pretty repetitive and simple.  Even when Me, Myself and I have the occasional debate or even heated discussion, I can pretty much tell who's going to win, so there's no suspense.

But having someone else to talk to, ahhhh, that's refreshing.  New ideas, fresh points of view - it can be very invigorating.  Like tonight.  All my blog thoughts are on serious subjects.  Unfortunately, I don't want to be serious right now, I'd rather laugh.  And so I am soliciting your humorous thoughts - please share a joke, a funny story, a non sequitur.  I look forward to hearing from you and laughing with you (or if not exactly with you, at least laughing at the same things).

Comfort Food

I've done a few posts about why I'm still single.  It's not something I think about on any sort of regular basis, but it's not a topic I can completely ignore.  It's kind of like going back to look in the fridge, hoping that some new, tempting food will suddenly appear, even though you haven't gone shopping since you last looked in the fridge.  I think maybe I subconsciously hope that someday I will figure out "the" reason, the easy fix that I can take care of today and tomorrow I'll get married.

But consciously, I know that is completely unrealistic.  Especially given my most recent thought on why I'm still single, and I give credit to DB for facilitating this thought.  I am still single because it is the life I know.  It is easy for me to be single.  I can do it all by myself, I'm extremely competent at it, I know exactly how my life as a single person works, and I'm very comfortable with it.  Possibly too comfortable.

On the other hand, I have no idea how life as a married person works.  At least how it would work for me.  Sure, I've watched my parents and my siblings and my friends, all sorts of married couples, and I can see, at least at a surface level, how their marriages work, or don't work, as the case may be.  But I've never been there.  I don't know what I will be like as a married person, how I will handle living with a man.  While I've had and enjoyed long term roommate relationships and friendships, everybody knows that men are Different.  which means living with one will be Different, and completely unknown.  And sadly,  I have a fear of the unknown.

But then I read the scriptures.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart ... (Proverbs 3:5)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: (1 John 4:18)

If I can trust God with everything else in my life, I have to trust him in this as well, trust that the unknown will be good, will be worth all of the hard work involved, and will lead to the desired result of an eternal family.