It's not you, it's me

Special guest post by DB

Caveat: This guest blogger feels she should be upfront with her dating/relationship knowledge and activity.

Dating/relationship knowledge –theoretical – 7

Dating/relationship knowledge-actual – 2

Dating activity – I shoot for a goal of at least one date/year

Several weeks ago I attended a mid-singles conference.  On the Saturday night there was a dinner and dance.  Between the two there was “entertainment”.  Usually providing the entertainment is tough but expected in order to segue between the two activities, but nobody is really interested in it, they just want to go from food to dance.

However, at this conference the entertainment was a video montage featuring some couples who had met and married due to mid-singles activities as well as some absolutely phenomenally written and acted satire on Mormon dating/relationship practices.  My favourite, although they were all really good, was the couple walking down a trail where he had a surprise picnic waiting for her and she was trying to have the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation with him.  I laughed and laughed and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since the conference.  Basically her breakup conversation went something along the lines of: it’s not you, it’s me – no really, it’s you. 

Really it is both parties and that line so commonly used, and which I’ve used in the relationships that I’ve been in is really the poorest excuse, and truth, to end a relationship.  The last relationship I was kinda in-when it ended I told my few close friends that I would recommend that they date the guy, that it wasn’t his fault really so much as it was mine.  I’ve determined that I’m out of my mind and delusional to think or say that.  If a relationship didn’t work don’t fob it off on “it’s not me” or “it’s you”.  Really, why didn’t it work?  If I had been honest I would have communicated with the guy.  I would have told him that some of the things he said made me really uncomfortable, and the head game he played with me, which in turn I used as an excuse to end the relationship, was wild and I, to this day, am still completely baffled by it.  It isn’t fair if only one party knows why a relationship is ending. 

How can either person in a relationship grow and change for the better if mistakes are not carefully and as charitably as possible pointed out.  I’m also quick to realize that what one person sees as a lacking quality, another potential relationship may flourish around, so all things should be taken with a grain of salt and a cup of sugar.  He could have just as easily told me you are stiff, cold and a prude.  This would have hurt, but it would have been oh so true.  If the relationship was one I wanted to foster I would have told him it is all true, but please be patient with me.  I am trying.  After so many years of living, working and being alone I am not yet comfortable with touch, affection, and what seem like to my “relationship passed over” self as effusive and insincere compliments

Okay, so that is the “it’s you” portion of the end of the relationship.  The “it’s me” portion is way bigger. 1) everything I mentioned in the previous paragraph about my own personal faults that hinder or may bring down a relationship I need to work on, but as so many of them are in play only when I’m in a relationship it is hard to work on them outside a relationship.  Hard, but not impossible.  2) I never engaged in honest communication with him when I didn’t tell him that you make me uncomfortable with your personal or suggestive comments.  Family and friends tell me that men are very physical and are often quicker to show or desire physical attention than women.  I on the other hand seek out affection or think about physical intimacy with a man a couple of times a decade, maybe.  We really may be on two completely different levels when it comes to acceptable or expected affection, physical intimacy and comfort levels in personal or suggestive comments.  3) I never confronted him about the head game he played on me, even if he possibly did it unwittingly he left me confused and unsure. 4) He also lives really far away and it would take great physical effort on his part, but most importantly on my part to make this relationship work and hard work is-well it is hard work.

The take away from this for me is that if I/we ever think to use the “it’s not me”, or “it’s you” excuse again I/we had better hike our self right over to a mirror and really take a look inside.  What is it about you or me that is stopping this relationship from progressing and is it confrontable and solvable.  My guess is that most things are but likely it is just way easier to be offended or unsatisfied with an imperfect person/relationship and continue to be alone than it is to be humble, communicate from the heart and continually work to perfect a relationship. 

We should ask ourselves if we truly believe that Heavenly Father wants ME to be happy in a family relationship.  After being strong enough to be single, the bigger and way harder challenge is to be strong enough, selfless enough to be part of a couple and part of a family after we have spent so many years learning to compensate and find ways to be happy, healthy and satisfied with being single.

Like I said before, accepting and being part of a couple after years, decades even, is harder than being or staying single.  Are we strong enough, courageous enough even, to throw away the right to say “it’s not me”, or “it’s not you” and grab hold when an opportunity arises to develop a possible celestial relationship?

Big Fat Hippo

As in, hypocrite.  Probably even with a capital "H".  After reading my last entry, I realized that of all the things I spend time on, looking for a date/future spouse is by far the lowest priority.  Except for maybe housework.  Seriously though, if I were to make a bar graph of all that I do in a week, looking for a date would be such a small bar it would be almost invisible.  So even though I may have a good attitude in terms of not being complacent in my singleness, if I only act on that attitude once in a blue moon, it's really not going to get me very far.

Which got me to thinking about Elder Oaks' talk on desire from the recent general conference.  The entire talk is excellent, but I'd just like to quote (or misquote) one small part of it here.

"We should remember that righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary. They must be heartfelt, unwavering, and permanent ...
...
As important as it is to lose every desire [to remain single], eternal life requires more. To achieve our eternal destiny, we will desire and work for the qualities required to become an eternal being. "

Apparently getting a date will require more than the paltry number of positive thoughts I give the matter each month.

Attitude

I was talking to a friend after a fireside the other night, and of course the topic turned to dating, or more accurately, not dating.  I'm a big fan of the idea of the single adult program as a way to meet people and hopefully get dates, but in order for the program to be successful, all (or at least most) of the participants need to have the right attitude.

I believe that those who attend activities with an open mind, looking to meet new people and develop new relationships, have a much greater chance of actually entering into a relationship.  However, these chances are diminished by those who attend the activities with a different attitude, like the activities are some sort of support group.  "Hi, my name is Fran, and I'm single".  Only unlike AA, or other programs where the point is to overcome the issue that brought you to the meeting, the "singles support group" often seems to be used as a validation of one's single status rather than an attempt to change that status.  If there are so many other single people around, it must not be bad thing, right?  Right, in a way.  There's nothing wrong with being single, as long as you're not avoiding any possibility of changing that status, or worse, actively trying to maintain it. 

Now, there may be some women who try to validate their single status, but I've mostly seen it in men, who often seem content to make lots of female friends without ever trying to take any of those relationships to the next level.  When you stop trying to meet new people and stop wondering what a relationship with them would be like, when you cease all efforts to get a date, or to make someone want to date you, I think there's a problem.  We should always be trying to progress spiritually, and since marriage is part of that spiritual progression, I think that to stop trying for it would likely have some sort of impact on the rest of your spiritual progression.  Now, I may rethink this as I get older, but until then, my plan is to keep following the program and eventually graduate to the next level.  If I try long enough and hard enough, I may just get it right.

No Respecter of Persons

I went to a single adult fireside tonight and some of the comments got me thinking.  In one of my earlier posts I talked about similarities and differences, and how nice it would be if married people viewed us as individuals with the same eternal goals.  Tonight someone commented that they originally felt excluded in their family ward, until they started making the effort to treat married people as individuals.  At that point, they returned the favour and started treating her as an individual.

Another sister made the comment that really started me thinking.  In what I'm sure is a gross misquote, she said that we bring this separation between single and married on ourselves.  In a lot of ways it's true.  Think about all of the labels we apply in the church without even thinking about it - young single adult, mid single, single adult, young married, and even the term "family ward".  While "family ward" is a very appropriate term, since we all belong to the family of Christ, that is likely not what people are thinking when they use that term.  They are probably thinking "family ward" as in "ward full of married people with children".    Whatever the label, the effect is often to divide, rather than to unite.

Thinking about all of these labels in turn got me thinking about some scriptures.  There are multiple references throughout the scriptures reminding us that the Lord is no respecter of persons.

In 2 Nephi 26:33 we are taught that "he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile."  I expect that we could easily add "single and married" to this list.

This same concept is repeated earlier in the same chapter, in verse 28.

"Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness?  Behold I say unto you, Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden."

But one of my favourite ways this concept is expressed is in 4 Nephi.  As you will recall, this chapter describes life after the resurrected Saviour has visited the people in the Americas.  All who heard his word,whether by His mouth or by the mouth of others, were converted.  This is how they describe their society at that point.

17There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God.

 And so I invite you to join me in removing the modern day "ites" from our vocabulary.  Stop focusing on the labels, and focus instead on being "in one".

Why me?

When I was younger, one of my sisters and I used to have a list of reasons why we didn't date, mostly made up of what we thought boys might see as personality flaws or physical flaws.  As the years have passed, I've either forgotten or blocked out whatever was on that list, although if you asked my sister I'm sure she could come up with a few reasons why I'm not dating.

I know a number of single people who seem to focus on that point - why am I still single?  While I recognize that it is an issue that should not be ignored, since there may be something simple (like actually talking to boys?) that could greatly increase my chances for marriage, I prefer not to make it my exclusive focus.  When I do ask myself the question, why am I still single, there is a ready answer.  Statistically speaking, someone's got to be single.  Looking at the microcosm that is my family, I believe that I was chosen to still be single because, of the three girls in my family, I am best able to handle my single status without becoming bitter, depressed, or disillusioned. 

My sisters both married a little bit later than they had planned, but they did end up with husbands and then children, and they now have their own challenges.  If being single is my challenge, then I see it as another piece of evidence that God knows me personally, as this challenge is one I can easily deal with.  In fact, it took me a long time before I realized that it might actually be a challenge. (Yes, this could be one of the reasons why I'm not married.)  But even for people who are a bit quicker than I am and realized early on that being single can be a challenge, instead of asking, why me, try asking, why not me?  See your single state as a sign that God not only know you, but that He trusts you, and has given you sufficient strength of character so you can deal with life's other challenges without the support of a spouse.  And expect that once you've passed the test of being single, God will have saved you some pretty amazing man for you to spend eternity with.

You are loved

I had a bit of a pity party this past weekend - sorry, I didn't invite any of you.  But if I had, it would have ruined the party, since it was all about feeling alone.  I was thinking about some heavy things, and then got a heavy calling, and really wanted someone there to support me, or to talk to, or even just to laugh at me and tell me to suck it up. (Thanks to my good friend DB for eventually telling me just that.)  Now, I am familiar with the concept of prayer.  I understand quite well that I can talk to Heavenly Father about anything and everything, and believe me, I talked to Him many times this weekend.  I also know from numerous personal experiences that He will always support me in my righteous choices.  But even with all of that, sometimes I think it would just be nice to have a physical body in front of me when I'm talking, and to be able to physically lean on someone.

I'm sure there were several people around who would have been glad to listen to me or put their arm around me if I had just asked.  But in my pity party, I didn't want to ask, I wanted someone to volunteer.

After a rather pathetic round of "who can whine the loudest" (I guess I won, since I was the only one playing), I kicked myself out of the pity party, and was immediately reminded that I am loved.  Not just liked, but loved, and loved perfectly.  By someone who knows everything about me, and loves me anyway.  By someone who sees more good in me than I see in myself.  By someone who will always love me, no matter how many dumb things I do.  By someone who loves each one of you just as much, because He created us.  To feel of His love is a very heady thing, and one that I wish for all of you.

Shopping vs. Shopping

Last weekend I took myself to an outlet mall to shop for clothes, this weekend I attended a single adult conference to "shop for men".  You'd think that my weekend of clothes shopping might prep me for a weekend of man shopping.  Although the two forms of shopping are based on some of the same basic principles, man shopping requires some skills you just can't develop while shopping for clothes.

When I go outlet shopping, I generally have a list of what I'm looking for.  Kind of like The List, it contains very broad terms - work clothes that don't require ironing or dry cleaning, shoes that look good but don't hurt my feet - I don't decide specific details until I've had a chance to check out what's available.  Once I've found something that fits the basic criteria, I get to try it on and see how it looks.  Because there are no outlet malls close to where I live, when I go outlet shopping, I'm not planning on doing any returns.  This no-return principle also applies to man shopping. 

Just like there are all shapes, sizes and styles of clothes, there are all shapes, sizes and styles of men.  When shopping for clothes, you find a style you like, go through until you find a size you think you will fit, then take it to the dressing room and try it on.  If it fits and makes you look good, you buy it.  This theory is readily transferable to man shopping, since most of us are looking for a man who makes us look good, or in other words, brings out the best in us.  But unlike at a clothing store, you can't just sort through a stack of men, find a few you like, and take them to the dressing room (i.e., go on a date) to check for fit.

After you've sorted through the men, the wonderful principle of agency that allows you to pick the ones you like also prevents you from simply putting them in a cart and taking them to the dressing room.  Instead, you have to make them want to go to the dressing room with you.  So how do you do this?  Once we get past the initial "look hot, but not so hot he thinks you're too good for him", I think we can fall back on some basic missionary tools.  After you have built a relationship of trust, then you need to help him feel and recognize the attraction, then follow up.  Once you've done this (using Brother Barton's three steps of Animation, Closeness and Touch helps), then in theory the man in question will choose to go to the dressing room with you, and you can decide whether or not to make the final purchase, or return him to the stack and try on another one.  Just beware that, while you're man shopping, he's also woman shopping, which can complicate your attempts to BRT.