Gratitude

I could write a post about this topic every day (or at least compose one in my head).  The current gratitude train comes from a book I'm reading  - A Single Voice, by Kristen M. Oaks, which was suggested to me by the lovely DB. 

Sister Oaks talks about family influence, and I'll quote the part that made me grateful.

"I know from personal experience as a daughter who deeply loves her parents how frustrated and inadequate I felt in their eyes because I did not marry in the time that they expected.  ... My singleness was only one fact about me, but in my family it seemed to have become the dominant fact.  My parents felt my pain and mirrored it back to me and even intensified it - which was never their intention."

I am grateful for a family who accepts  me exactly as I am (well, there may be a few things about me they'd like to change), and never makes me feel less welcome, less important, or less anything because I am not married and everyone else in the family is.  Now, they may feel frustrated at my single state, and I'm sure they all will be thrilled when I meet and marry a nice man, but I've never sensed any anxiety on their part for me.  Now, that could be because I'm not very sensitive (something else to be grateful for on most days), but I like to think that it is because my family also has faith and hope, and they trust that God knows what is best for me and will provide for me in His time.  So thank you, family for being who you are, and for accepting me for who I am.

For anyone who's wondering about the book, I'm not very far into it yet, so I'm sure I'll have more posts in the future about my thoughts as I keep reading.  If you've read it and would like to comment on it or do a guest post, just let me know.

Goal!

In sport speak, the word goal indicates something to be celebrated, and is generally said with great excitement.  In the rest of life, at least in my life, the word 'goal' is said with much less excitement.

While I recognize the importance of setting goals in order to improve, I also recognize that goals require work, which I don't always enjoy.  But I set goals anyway, and for the last few years have even written them down so I would remember and hopefully accomplish them.

Last year I had a goal to go on a specific number of dates.  Now, I recognize that this is not an ideal goal, since my ability to accomplish it depends in large part on the choices of others.  However, setting the goal does motivate me to work towards it, remembering that I need to try to look my best, and smile, and actually talk to men.  I only achieved 60% of last year's goal, so for this year I decided not to set a specific number, but instead to have the goal of going on more dates than last year.

A few days ago I realized that it has been almost a year since my last date, which means that I am sadly failing at my goal.  But miracles have not ceased - shortly after I had that thought, I got asked out on a date by someone who meets all of the criteria on my list!  Including being younger than my dad.

Children are an heritage of the Lord

Along with attending baby blessings for two new nephews in the last month, this weekend I got to go to a birthday party for one of my nieces and see all of my nieces and nephews together. Of course, they are all cute, and it has been a great experience watching them grow and develop their own personalities.  It is also neat watching their parents grow and develop as they raise their children.

Elder Anderson gave a wonderful talk on children at the last general conference.  And this afternoon I was listening to one of the sessions from last April's conference, where Elder Lynn G. Robbins gave some comments about children and parenting.  In particular, he talked about the patience that parents develop.  Watching my siblings and their spouses with my nieces and nephews I am continually amazed at their ability to be patient with their children as they deal with the same issues and the same behaviours over and over and over again.  Are they perfectly patient?  Probably not, but their kids are still young, they've got time to learn.

I'm grateful for their willingness to let me play with and babysit their kids so that I can experience the joy of influencing a child for good (which is different from messing with their minds, although I may have occasionally tried that as well).  I'm also grateful for the opportunities that gives me to develop patience.  Because although I am working on having patience with God's timing, I think that having patience with little kids requires a whole different level of patience.

I am perhaps most grateful that my nieces and nephews love me enough to give me hugs and kisses without prompting from their parents.  Children (which we all were once, and in an eternal sense still are) truly are a heritage and a blessing from God, regardless of who gave birth to them.

Temporal v. Spiritual, Part 2

I was visiting with a friend this weekend, and she shared her List with me, which really got me thinking.  Now, to be clear, my List is of the qualities required for a first date, and her List is for the qualities required for marriage, so there are some obvious differences between Lists.

I have struggled to keep my List short, trying to balance my desire for a great mate with the realization that if I only look for perfection, I may end up overlooking greatness.  But when my friend told me her List, it helped me see things from a better perspective. 

For her eternal companion, she is seeking someone who can meet the following four criteria:
- spiritually compatible
- mentally compatible
- physically attractive
- moral integrity

Some of the things I struggle to keep off my list, like minimum height requirements (I admit, I want someone taller than I am, which shouldn't be hard), some sort of post secondary education, and and mental health, are important to me.  But when seen in light of my friend's list, I realize that they are very temporal.  In the eternities, I believe we will all be physically and mentally healthy.  We will all be learning continually.  And height won't matter.

So thank you, my friend, for helping me realize that, if I truly want an eternal relationship, I need to focus more on the spiritual, or eternal, qualities when looking for an eternal companion, because the temporal qualities are just that, temporary.

Temporal vs. Spiritual

I was talking with a friend recently who has just been invited to sit on a stake single adult committee.  He couldn't understand why some of the married people in the room seemed to feel sorry for him because he was still single.  He thinks being single is great, and focuses on the benefits of being single.  I agree with him, there are a lot of good things about being single, like being able to go wherever you want on vacation whenever you want, not having to wash the dishes if you don't want to, being able to eat the entire batch of chocolate chip cookies, being able to set the thermostat at whatever temperature you like, and so on.

But as I was thinking about it, I realized that the majority of the good things I usually notice about being single are very self centered.  They often seem to be good things because they appeal to my "natural woman".  And they are generally very temporally based.  In the eternities, none of the "benefits" listed above will matter (although it would be really nice if they have cookies).

The Lord has told us that all things unto him are spiritual (D&C 29:34).  So are there any spiritual benefits to being single?  Absolutely.  Like having time to study my scriptures and pray regularly without interruption.  Like being able to visit my family whenever I want to, or whenever they need someone to help out (or whenever I get a new niece or nephew, like I did twice last month!). 

How do the spiritual benefits available to singles in this life compare with those available to married people? I don't know that you can do an exact comparison, but given that we have been promised that no blessing will be denied to us if we live righteously, I believe that the same level of spiritual growth must be available to singles and marrieds in this life, although the areas of growth may be different.  Of course, the number of benefits available does not often equal the number of benefits actually accessed, regardless of whether you are married or single.

When it comes to spiritual benefits in the eternities, there is no question in my mind that the opportunities available to married people will be far greater than those available to singles.  Which is why it is such a blessing to have the promise that opportunities for marriage are not limited to mortality.

Holiday Lessons

Well, there's been a bit of a break between postings.  I'm using my recent vacation as an excuse, and totally ignoring any impact the laziness factor may have had.

I spent two weeks on vacation in Europe and learned some important lessons.  Like two weeks is too much time for me to spend alone.

One of my sisters noticed my Shopping post and asked whether my trip was to meet someone I had met in "The Store".  The quick answer is no, although on the advice of a friend, I did look in the European aisle of the store before I left, but didn't see anyone in the right areas of Europe.  I did, however, get hit on in Spain.  Normally I don't spend much time speaking to strangers on the street, but I think by this point in my vacation I was desperate for conversation, and rather excited to find someone who spoke English .  He was a nice enough man, but he kept wanting to hold my hand.  Now, there's nothing wrong with holding hands, but really, I had just met the guy!

We did have a nice chat, which he kept interspersing with comments about how nice and beautiful I am.  When he figured out that I was serious when I said I needed to know him much better before I would let him touch me, he left, after telling me I was basically overthinking things and should just listen to my instincts like he did.  Well, since my instincts (or maybe it's just my naturally suspicious nature) said he was just looking for some action.  As I was thinking about it later, I was able to more clearly explain (to myself, anyway) why I wouldn't hold hands with him.  It was not that I needed to know everything about him from where he went to school to what his favourite vegetable is.  The real thing I need to know about someone before I would let them touch me is that I will be safe with them, not just physically, but that my virtue would be safe.  That if I said stop, they would stop.  Or if I didn't say stop when I should have, they would stop anyway.  So if I ever get hit on by a stranger again, now I know how to explain it.

The second lesson I learned, or I should say, relearned, was from the scriptures.  I was reading 3 Nephi 23, where Christ is reminding the Nephites that everything the prophets have said, and everything the Lord has said, will be fulfilled.  It was a wonderful reminder that the Lord fulfills his promises, so as long as I am living properly, I don't need to worry about when I get married.  I don't need to stress about looking for a husband, I can just focus on living a righteous life, and God will make sure that things fall into place whenever they are supposed to.

Wearing Blinders

I was at a conference this weekend and was pleasantly surprised by the number of women.  Which is when it hit me, I work in a very male dominated industry - I've been swimming in a pool full of fish for seven years and haven't even noticed!  Well, I noticed there were fish, but I had automatically discounted them because I assumed that they were all non-members who drink too much alcohol (apparently quite common in the industry) and/or were married or in a relationship.

So, maybe it's time for me to take the blinders off and actually look at the fish swimming around me.  Although when I finally checked out the fish at the conference, they all seemed to be wearing rings.  (I know, fish don't have fingers, so how could they wear rings, right?  Just humour me here, pretend it works.)

I will try to do better at seeing what is right in front of me.  Because really, if I'm meeting them through work, as long as they are ringless, they would most likely meet all the rest of the criteria on the list.  Once they've passed that first check, then I can use Elder Hales' test on them.

Single members of the Church often ask, “How do I find the right person to marry?” Let me suggest an approach. Measure the spiritual level of your potential future companions. First, if they are members of the Church, are they active and fully committed, or are they passive or antagonistic? Second, if they are not members, are they receptive to the gospel and its teachings, or are they noncommittal or antagonistic?