Goin' Shopping

I've often asked myself whether I am doing everything I can to find a husband.  The answer is invariably "no".  (I don't smile enough, I don't wear lipstick (according to my mom, this could be a key to getting dates), etc.) One of the things I haven't done is on-line dating.  It's always seemed really odd to me, as I wonder what is wrong with those men that they can't find someone in "real life".  But then, what is wrong with me, that I can't find someone in "real life"?  I've also got issues with putting myself and my personal information (which is whatever I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone other than my few closest friends) out on the web for total strangers to see.  (Yes, this could explain why I write as "Fran"'.)

Anyway, for a while now I've felt like, if I'm really serious about wanting to get married, I need to actually start looking for a husband.  And what better place to look than in the man store, otherwise known as on-line dating?  Seriously, I finally signed up a couple weeks ago, and after figuring out that the men weren't going to start hunting me down simply because I signed up, I actually signed in and did some browsing.  It is the weirdest thing - kind of like on-line shopping.  You can browse the merchandise (search for men) for whatever you're interested in, make a wish list (flirt), but you don't have the ability to singlehandedly put merchandise in your shopping cart. You have to ask the merchandise if it wants to get into your shopping cart.  If the merchandise agrees, then i suppose you'd have to ask the merchandise again at checkout whether it was OK for you to complete the purchase.  Or maybe somewhere in the process the roles shift, and you become the merchandise in someone else's cart, and he will ask you if it's OK to complete the purchase.

However it works, it's certainly a different experience.  Will it work for me?  Who knows.  I've heard plenty of stories about people who have met on-line and have wonderful relationships.  Perhaps the most convincing story is one I discovered myself - as I was "browsing the merchandise", I came across my cousin's profile.  This particular cousin hasn't had a serious (or possibly any?) girlfriend for far longer than I haven't had a serious (or non-serious) boyfriend.  His profile now says something along the lines of "I'm now in a relationship with a lovely lady, thanks for your interest".  If he can get merchandise in his shopping cart, so can I.

The Importance of Being Happy (and Earnest)

My brother once told me, "if you're not happy, you're doing something wrong."  As you might imagine, hearing this did not make me happy.  Although I eventually accepted that he was right.  And I am learning that he was right in terms of meeting men as well.

Through my incredibly scientific research (watching the men at the homeless shelter where I volunteer), I have discovered that being happy (or at the very least appearing to be happy), can have great benefits in terms of developing relationships with the opposite gender.  I don't do much at the shelter besides open lockers, so a while ago I decided that my real job there is to be nice, which I accomplish mainly by smiling at the clients.  The response is wonderful; of the ones who are aware enough to notice me smiling, I'd say 95% smile back and either attempt to engage me in conversation, or respond to my attempts to engage them in conversation.  Lesson learned?  If I want a guy to talk to me, I should start by smiling at him.

On a completely unrelated note, notwithstanding all of my great efforts, my shower still leaks.  But I can still be happy because a) my renovation scab has healed, b) my dad may be coming to visit soon and he can fix it for me, and c) (probably the best one) I have another shower I can use.

Why I need to get married

Or, the worst little home reno project ever.

So, a few months ago I realized that my bathroom shower was leaking and needed to be recaulked.  Since I have another shower, there was no hurry for me to get around to it, but I finally tried it. 

Step 1: buy caulking - pretty simple, I knew from watching my dad what kind to get.
Step 2: open caulking - little more difficult, ended up with a lovely gash in my hand from cutting the top off the tube.
Step 3: get caulking out of tube - I thought it could be done without a caulking gun, I was wrong.
Step 4: buy caulking gun - found one at the second store I tried.
Step 5: install caulking tube in caulking gun - even without any instructions on the tube or the gun, I figured this one out.
Return to Step 4: get caulking out of tube - in theory, it should be easier now that I have a caulking gun. But either I'm an idiot, or I have bought myself the world's worst caulking gun.  Instead of coming out of the tip of the tube, the caulking is coming out the butt end, and is now getting all over the caulking gun.  No matter how hard I try, I can't get the caulking to come out of the top.  So, being the resourceful person I am, I move on to Step 6 anyway.
Step 6: - apply caulking to shower - since the caulking I can access is in a big lump at the wrong end of the tube, I get some on my finger to rub it where it needs to go.  I've seen my dad use his finger to smooth caulking before, so it should be fine.  And it is, except my finger is bigger than the space where the caulking needs to go, so it looks pretty bad.  Frustrated, i return to step 5.
Step 5: get caulking out of tube - in desperation, I break off the entire top of the tube.  The caulking now comes out of the top, but instead of being lumpy from the bottom, now it's lumpy from the top, which is still no help in getting the caulking in the right amount on the right spot.
Take a break before going back to Step 6 to try Step 7: - try to get caulking off finger.  Note to all - water doesn't do much to get rid of waterproof caulking.  Thankfully, I had some paint remover that did the trick.
Back to Step 6.  I got a bit smarter this time, and put a plastic bag over my hand this time.
Final result: caulking gun and caulking tube in the garbage, base of shower covered in caulking and looking extremely messy.  But I did manage to avoid getting any on the floor.  Now I just have to wait to see whether it will be effective in keeping the shower from leaking.

What does this have to do with needing a husband?  If I had one, he could have applied the caulking for me.  Or he could have told me what a decent caulking gun looks like, or at the very least, he could have stopped me as soon as he saw the mess I was making and made me call someone who could do it right.  Or better yet, he would have had me call someone before I got started on the whole mess.  But then I wouldn't have learned that not all caulking guns are created equal.

More List

So, I went to a dance last night.  I had a good time, but it made me think about the list.  I may need to add another item - "younger than my dad".  In theory, a sugar daddy sounds kind of nice, but in reality, I'm just not sure I could do it.  Even ( or perhaps especially if?) he's in better shape than I am.

Dry spell v. Drought

How does a climatologist, or a farmer, decide when things have moved from a dry spell (a period of no precipitation) to a drought (an extended period where abnormally low water availability adversely affects growing or living conditions)?  I have no idea.  I'm more interested in deciding whether my own dry spell (a period of few or no dates) is actually a drought (an extended period where abnormally low date availability adversely affects social development).  I think at this point, if I call it anything other than a drought, I'm probably lying to myself. 

Which leads me to think of Joseph of Egypt, and the dream he interpreted about the 7 fat years and the 7 lean years.  Have I had my "fat" dating years and am heading into a period of lean dating years?  Unfortunately, I haven't figured out any way to store up anything from the "fat" years to keep me going through the lean years.  At least not in terms of dates.  But there are plenty of other things that keep me going, like good friends, family, great ward members, learning new things, and of course, my relationship with my Heavenly Father and with my Saviour.   Since I'm not distracted by romantic relationships (either actual or potential), I have lots of time to make these lean dating years become fat spiritual years.

It's not you, it's me

Special guest post by DB

Caveat: This guest blogger feels she should be upfront with her dating/relationship knowledge and activity.

Dating/relationship knowledge –theoretical – 7

Dating/relationship knowledge-actual – 2

Dating activity – I shoot for a goal of at least one date/year

Several weeks ago I attended a mid-singles conference.  On the Saturday night there was a dinner and dance.  Between the two there was “entertainment”.  Usually providing the entertainment is tough but expected in order to segue between the two activities, but nobody is really interested in it, they just want to go from food to dance.

However, at this conference the entertainment was a video montage featuring some couples who had met and married due to mid-singles activities as well as some absolutely phenomenally written and acted satire on Mormon dating/relationship practices.  My favourite, although they were all really good, was the couple walking down a trail where he had a surprise picnic waiting for her and she was trying to have the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation with him.  I laughed and laughed and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since the conference.  Basically her breakup conversation went something along the lines of: it’s not you, it’s me – no really, it’s you. 

Really it is both parties and that line so commonly used, and which I’ve used in the relationships that I’ve been in is really the poorest excuse, and truth, to end a relationship.  The last relationship I was kinda in-when it ended I told my few close friends that I would recommend that they date the guy, that it wasn’t his fault really so much as it was mine.  I’ve determined that I’m out of my mind and delusional to think or say that.  If a relationship didn’t work don’t fob it off on “it’s not me” or “it’s you”.  Really, why didn’t it work?  If I had been honest I would have communicated with the guy.  I would have told him that some of the things he said made me really uncomfortable, and the head game he played with me, which in turn I used as an excuse to end the relationship, was wild and I, to this day, am still completely baffled by it.  It isn’t fair if only one party knows why a relationship is ending. 

How can either person in a relationship grow and change for the better if mistakes are not carefully and as charitably as possible pointed out.  I’m also quick to realize that what one person sees as a lacking quality, another potential relationship may flourish around, so all things should be taken with a grain of salt and a cup of sugar.  He could have just as easily told me you are stiff, cold and a prude.  This would have hurt, but it would have been oh so true.  If the relationship was one I wanted to foster I would have told him it is all true, but please be patient with me.  I am trying.  After so many years of living, working and being alone I am not yet comfortable with touch, affection, and what seem like to my “relationship passed over” self as effusive and insincere compliments

Okay, so that is the “it’s you” portion of the end of the relationship.  The “it’s me” portion is way bigger. 1) everything I mentioned in the previous paragraph about my own personal faults that hinder or may bring down a relationship I need to work on, but as so many of them are in play only when I’m in a relationship it is hard to work on them outside a relationship.  Hard, but not impossible.  2) I never engaged in honest communication with him when I didn’t tell him that you make me uncomfortable with your personal or suggestive comments.  Family and friends tell me that men are very physical and are often quicker to show or desire physical attention than women.  I on the other hand seek out affection or think about physical intimacy with a man a couple of times a decade, maybe.  We really may be on two completely different levels when it comes to acceptable or expected affection, physical intimacy and comfort levels in personal or suggestive comments.  3) I never confronted him about the head game he played on me, even if he possibly did it unwittingly he left me confused and unsure. 4) He also lives really far away and it would take great physical effort on his part, but most importantly on my part to make this relationship work and hard work is-well it is hard work.

The take away from this for me is that if I/we ever think to use the “it’s not me”, or “it’s you” excuse again I/we had better hike our self right over to a mirror and really take a look inside.  What is it about you or me that is stopping this relationship from progressing and is it confrontable and solvable.  My guess is that most things are but likely it is just way easier to be offended or unsatisfied with an imperfect person/relationship and continue to be alone than it is to be humble, communicate from the heart and continually work to perfect a relationship. 

We should ask ourselves if we truly believe that Heavenly Father wants ME to be happy in a family relationship.  After being strong enough to be single, the bigger and way harder challenge is to be strong enough, selfless enough to be part of a couple and part of a family after we have spent so many years learning to compensate and find ways to be happy, healthy and satisfied with being single.

Like I said before, accepting and being part of a couple after years, decades even, is harder than being or staying single.  Are we strong enough, courageous enough even, to throw away the right to say “it’s not me”, or “it’s not you” and grab hold when an opportunity arises to develop a possible celestial relationship?

Big Fat Hippo

As in, hypocrite.  Probably even with a capital "H".  After reading my last entry, I realized that of all the things I spend time on, looking for a date/future spouse is by far the lowest priority.  Except for maybe housework.  Seriously though, if I were to make a bar graph of all that I do in a week, looking for a date would be such a small bar it would be almost invisible.  So even though I may have a good attitude in terms of not being complacent in my singleness, if I only act on that attitude once in a blue moon, it's really not going to get me very far.

Which got me to thinking about Elder Oaks' talk on desire from the recent general conference.  The entire talk is excellent, but I'd just like to quote (or misquote) one small part of it here.

"We should remember that righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary. They must be heartfelt, unwavering, and permanent ...
...
As important as it is to lose every desire [to remain single], eternal life requires more. To achieve our eternal destiny, we will desire and work for the qualities required to become an eternal being. "

Apparently getting a date will require more than the paltry number of positive thoughts I give the matter each month.