Two-fer

In honour of my friend's recent visit, thought I'd share one of her pet peeves about being single - the two for one coupon.  What good is a two-fer for a single person, she asks.  I'm a one-fer!  Agreed!  What good is a free hamburger if you won't eat it? (Let's face it, the majority of the two-fer coupons come from fast food restaurants - DB, if you ever see a two-fer on something healthy and/or useful, let me know and I'll share it with you.)  Two-fers are probably great for couples or families on a limited budget, but they tend to be pretty useless for the singles I know. (This may be gender specific - there may be guys out there who love the two-fer fast food coupons.)

Now for some of my own, more recent thoughts on the two-fer.  Some people might look at the "two-fer" scheme as simply a marketing gimmick, a way to get people to buy more, or at least to try more of a company's product so they will get sucked in and want to keep buying when the product is no longer on sale.  But what if the two-fer is not really a product of our consumeristic society?  What if it's actually some sort of diabolical scheme to get us to talk to other people?  Or even worse, spend time with them?  What if, when I saw a two-fer coupon, instead of immediately throwing it out, I saved it and found a friend to share the deal with  me?  I'm feeling sick already, thinking about the number of fast food meals I'd end up having to eat.  Which may be why I've never invited anyone to join me in taking advantage of the many two-fer coupons that magically appear in my mailbox - I can't stand fast food.

But maybe I can try this whole 'talking to people' and 'spending time with them' without a two-fer.  Maybe I can just call someone up and say, hey, I'm going for a walk, would you like to join me?  It's a risky plan, but I might just try it.  Because really, the two-fer coupons are just a marketing gimmick, trying to get me to buy more of a product that I didn't need in the first place. Companionship, on the other hand, is something I do need, and lucky for me, I can get it without a coupon.  Even if I have to make two or three (or more) calls before finding someone who can join me for that walk. 

Miss not-so-Independent

I remember having dinner with my roommate and her brother and some other friends.  He looked at us ladies and said something along the lines of "It's no wonder you girls aren't married.  You can do everything yourselves.  You don't need a husband."  More recently, I was helping to set up for a party at the church and was carrying a bunch of stuff in from my car.  A brother came in behind me and made some sort of joking comment about getting the door for me, after I had already opened it myself despite both hands and arms being very full.

I think about these things, and I think, to some extent, they are right - I can do, and do do, a lot of things by myself.  Because if I didn't do them, who would?  When I come back from grocery shopping, there is no one around to help me carry in the groceries, or to open the door while I carry them in.  And since I'm too lazy to make multiple trips, I usually have my hands and arms pretty full when I come in from the car, but I still manage to open the door without putting anything down (I like to think of it as an art form that I have perfected over many years of practice).  There is no-one else to change the light bulb when it burns out (this is unfortunate, as my last light bulb changing attempt was actually a failure - it's not that I couldn't get the old bulb out and the new bulb in, apparently I bought the wrong kind of bulb, so even though the new bulb looks right, it doesn't give any light.  Good thing it's a two-bulb fixture so I'm not completely in the dark.)

But does that mean I don't need a husband?  Of course not.  I used to think that one of the (many) great things about having a husband would be that I could get him to take out the garbage and take care of the car and kill the spiders and basically do all of the jobs I don't like doing.  Then I realized that's not very fair to him, if he doesn't like any of those jobs either, and it would actually have to be a more equitable distribution of work.  But there would be a distribution of work, so neither of us would have to do everything, and I expect that will be very nice.

However, I have recently realized (or maybe re-realized) another reason having a husband would be great.  You have a built in friend, someone to talk to and do things with.  The importance of this factor was brought home to me in the Tale of Two Holidays.  Last fall I took a lovely holiday to Europe by myself, and I did not love it.  It was nice, I saw some cool things, but I was bored with myself and really wanted someone to talk to and to share my interesting discoveries with and to discuss the neat things I was seeing.  or the bad driving, or crazy people.  I also realized that I am more adventurous when I am with someone else.
I recently got back from the second of the two holidays.  This time I went to visit a friend, and got to stay with her family for the entire vacation.  It was great to have someone to spend time with, to talk to, ask questions of, get opinions from, etc.   The comparison between my two holidays and the way I felt while away confirmed for me the truth of the saying "no man (or woman) is an island" (although I was on an island when I realized this, greatly enjoying the beach and the sunshine).  It doesn't matter whether I can take care of myself all by myself, or whether my future husband can do the same (I really hope he can, by this stage in life).  Our lives will be more enjoyable together.

Maybe Tomorrow

As you  may recall, I decided to try online dating, since real live dating was not happening.  So I signed up with an LDS site, posted the best picture I could find, had my friend review and edit my profile, and waited for the magic to begin. (My friend, who has had some success with online dating, said she would usually chat with 4-5 guys at a time to figure out which of them were of interest to her.  She's a lot more outgoing than I am, so I figured I would just try for 2-3 at a time.)

I kept waiting - no magic.  I talked to my friend, and found out you actually have to work at online dating.  If you want men to look at your profile, you need to actually be online on a regular basis so your profile will be one of the first ones to show up.  And you should also be searching for potentially interesting men.  So I started working - I did some searching and found a lot of middle aged divorced men from Utah.  Oh wait, maybe that's an overgeneralization.  There were also younger, non-Utah men on there, but not nearly as many as in the Utah contingent.  I also made sure to go on more frequently.

The results? A couple of flirts from guys who refused to post pictures, including one who's ideal woman was a cross between Anna Karenina and some other fictional character, and the suggestion that I hook up with my cousin, who was also on the site.  None of which interested me.  Needless to say, I did not renew my subscription.

Now, maybe I just didn't go into this with the right attitude.  After all, there are tons of stories about people who have success with online dating, who meet their eternal companion and live happily ever after.  And maybe it's possible.  But personally, I prefer live interaction.  It's easier for me to be accepting of differences if the first thing I learn about you isn't that you have horrible spelling and worse grammar.

Not long after I decided not to renew, I found this article that says the whole online thing is still just a game of chance, and you would do just as well trying to pick someone up in a bar.  Well, I pondered that, as drunk men seem to think I have really nice eyes (even if I can't immediately smell the alcohol on the guys at the shelter where I volunteer, when they give me the same compliment ten times in three minutes, it's a pretty good sign that they're no longer sober).  But since drunk men are an immediate turn-off for me, I figured I'd have even less success in the bar than I did online.   The fact that I don't go to bars may have figured in there somewhere as well.

So for now, I'll just keep looking for dates the old fashioned way. 

Love and Romance

Happy Valentine's Day!  I am aware that there are some single people who find this a difficult holiday to deal with.  Here's my theory on that - they associate today with romance, and feel sad because they don't have any romance in their life.

I do not associate today with romance.  This could be because I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, or it could just be because I'm weird.   But I think the real reason is because I associate today not with an expression of emotion, but with an actual emotion - love - that I give and receive regardless of whether I'm in a romantic relationship.

When I was growing up, my mom would always make cookies for Valentine's Day.  And not just any cookies, we're talking plate-sized heart shaped sugar cookies complete with pink icing and usually our names written on them.  I like to think our names were on them because we are each special, but it may also have had a practical purpose in keeping us kids from eating each other's cookies.  Anyway, my memories of Valentine's Day are associated with cookies, and knowing that my mom loved me enough to make me my own special cookie.

All the kids have moved out, so my mom doesn't make the heart cookies anymore.  I have taken up the tradition for myself (although I admit, mine are much smaller and not personalized).  I have no kids, but there are plenty of people I love, and making special cookies for them is one way to show it.  Interestingly enough, when I came home tonight from delivering my little gifts of love, I found that someone had left me my own gift of love.  Yes, there was a plate of heart shaped cookies complete with pink icing left on my doorstep.  But even without the cookies, I know that I am loved, not only by my parents, my family and friends, but by my Saviour, who makes all things bearable, and through whom all things are possible.

Owner of a Lonely Heart?

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning during sacrament meeting - note to self, church is not a good place for a successful pity party.  I'm generally not prone to pity parties, although it's occasionally fun to crash someone else's.  I'm blaming this one on the fact that I didn't get enough sleep last night, so all I wanted to do was lean on someone's shoulder and sleep, but I didn't have any shoulder to lean on.  Instead of immediately being grateful for the lack of shoulder, as it would prevent me from sleeping in sacrament, I chose to feel lonely instead.

But then I was reminded of a hymn - I know That my Redeemer Lives.  I've always loved the music to this hymn, but often don't pay enough attention to the lyrics.  Today I was struck by parts of the second verse:
He lives to grant me rich supply.
...
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.
...
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.

Even though it ensures the end of the party, there is no better guest than the Saviour to have during a pity party.  He does grant me rich supply - what He knows I need, not what I think I need (listening to the talks was definitely more important than sleeping through them).  He hears my complaints and comforts me in times of sadness or loneliness, and so long as I am worthy, He will impart all blessings to me in His own time.  I expect this reminder was much more beneficial for me in the long run than the male shoulder I was wishing for.   And when you add to it the lovely nap after church, overall it's been a wonderful day.

Winds of Change

I often hear of women who make changes to their lives, their dress size, their hair colour, their recreational preferences, because they think it will make some specific guy either like them or stay with them.  This saddens me.

Several years ago, when I was in my last fit phase, I was dating a guy who in essence told me I was not very comfortable to cuddle with and could use a little more meat on my bones.  While I'm sure he'd find me much more comfortable now, the change occurred because I like eating more than I like exercising, and not because he asked me to change. 

So do I think it's wrong to change for a guy?  Not at all.  But I think it's very sad to change because you think it will make someone like you.  If you are changing because you truly think it will make you a better person, that is great, but if some guy doesn't like you the way you are, he's probably not going to like you no matter how much you change for him.  He will just learn that you have little self confidence and are an easy mark for a power trip.

Another time I dated a guy who was very tactile and visual - he liked soft things and shiny things.  While he never asked me to, I found myself buying softer clothes and shinier earrings because I knew he would like it.  Why did I change?  Because he already liked me the way I was, and because I liked him, and knew that my simple actions could make him happy without changing who I am.  I also knew that he was also making little changes in his life to make me happy.  In retrospect, I did not feel the same way about the other guy, as I had no desire to change any aspect of my life for him, and didn't see any of that desire in him either.

So if you find yourself thinking about making some changes related to a man, think about whether you're changing to get him to like you, or because he likes you.  You might also want to think about whether you would make those changes if he wasn't in the picture.  If there's no way you would make the change on your own, you might want to think twice about making it with him. (Although I recognize that change instigated by another person can be a good thing - sometimes you need some external impetus.)

Feelin' hot, hot hot!

Do you ever have days where you look in the mirror and think, "I look goooood today"?  And then you think, "who can I share these good looks with?  Who will appreciate them?"  Then you look around your house, and what do you know, there's no one there to tell you how hot you look.  And maybe you think, "if I had a husband, he would tell me how hot I look."  

Do you ever wish you had someone to ask "do these pants make my butt look fat?" (personally, if you have to ask, you shouldn't be wearing them.  Either that, or you've got some self confidence issues.)  Or have a great day at work, or accomplish a personal best and really want someone to share it with who will truly appreciate what you have done and celebrate with you?

If you had a husband, he could do all of those things for you.  Not saying he would, but he certainly could.   My thought is, why wait for a husband?  Hopefully you've got friends who can tell you all of those things.  But there's something even better.  If you can learn to recognize your own beauty, whether internal or external, celebrate your own achievements, and figure out what looks good on you without assistance (it only took me about 10 years of running my clothing purchases past my sister for approval before I finally figured out for myself what works for me), you will not need to depend on someone else for your happiness.  And then when you do find a husband who can give you complements and celebrate with you, you've got a bonus.

So how do you learn this? Remember the very first line of the Young Women's theme - "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us..."  He made you beautiful, talented, and capable of being happy - whatever your situation in life.