One is not the loneliest number

Sitting in church a while ago, I was looking around at all of the other single women in the congregation.  It hit me that there are a number of women in my ward who are only single at church, meaning they have a husband at home who chooses not to join them at church, whether he's a member or not.  That got me to thinking, would I rather be single, or married to someone who didn't support me in my beliefs?  What would it be like to attend church and be uplifted and strengthened by the Holy Ghost, and go home to someone who hasn't had that?  What would it be like if I was growing closer to God and my husband wasn't?  How does that impact your ability to grow together as a family?

And what about the sisters who come to church with their spouses, but are still practically speaking alone?  you can attend the same church without actually supporting each other.  you can make a show of supporting your spouse at church, then completely change once you leave the building.

Combine these thoughts with a couple of conversations with women who are now in happy second marriages following a less than positive first marriage.  Both of these women advised that it is better to be single than to be married to the wrong man.  I dated a guy once who was definitely a wrong man for me.  I'm sure he'll be great for someone, but even though he had many wonderful characteristics, our life plans and expectations were far too different, and I knew that if we ever got married, I would spend more time alone than I did as a single person, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Which is not what I am looking for in a husband.

And so I continue to be patient, preferring to be happily single than unhappily married. 

Nobody's perfect

Here's a (bad) shot of a card I got recently. (note the modesty towel to cover what his low rise underwear didn't) 

The punch line of the card is " with his mommy.  So close."  There's always something.  But it doesn't have to be a roadblock.  I mean really, maybe Trent is living with his mommy because she's sick and he's taking care of her.  He looks like the compassionate, helpful type, doesn't he?  Or maybe she can't afford the rent on her own and he's helping her out.  Just look for the positive.

Another Reason

I recently discovered another potential reason for getting married.  The lease on our office space expires in the next year or so, and we will be moving to a new building.  The new space is located in the same building as the Holt Renfrew store, which is a very high end, very expensive clothing store.  I was joking with one of the senior guys at work and asked if one of the conditions of the new lease was that we'd have to shop at Holt Renfrew once we moved to the new building.  He said, no, what you need to do is get a man, so when you go shopping there, there's someone at home who can look at the bills and be shocked and appalled at how much you spent and how little you got for it.  Implicit in his response is that the husband would also be paying the horrifically high bill.  While I've certainly thought about having a husband who earned a sufficient income that I could stay home and take care of the kids, it never would have occurred to me to get a husband so I can shop at Holt Renfrew.  I'm actually really good at being shocked and appalled at high prices all by myself, so I think I'll stick with the more basic reasons to get married - companionship, fulfilling the commandments, etc.

Two-fer

In honour of my friend's recent visit, thought I'd share one of her pet peeves about being single - the two for one coupon.  What good is a two-fer for a single person, she asks.  I'm a one-fer!  Agreed!  What good is a free hamburger if you won't eat it? (Let's face it, the majority of the two-fer coupons come from fast food restaurants - DB, if you ever see a two-fer on something healthy and/or useful, let me know and I'll share it with you.)  Two-fers are probably great for couples or families on a limited budget, but they tend to be pretty useless for the singles I know. (This may be gender specific - there may be guys out there who love the two-fer fast food coupons.)

Now for some of my own, more recent thoughts on the two-fer.  Some people might look at the "two-fer" scheme as simply a marketing gimmick, a way to get people to buy more, or at least to try more of a company's product so they will get sucked in and want to keep buying when the product is no longer on sale.  But what if the two-fer is not really a product of our consumeristic society?  What if it's actually some sort of diabolical scheme to get us to talk to other people?  Or even worse, spend time with them?  What if, when I saw a two-fer coupon, instead of immediately throwing it out, I saved it and found a friend to share the deal with  me?  I'm feeling sick already, thinking about the number of fast food meals I'd end up having to eat.  Which may be why I've never invited anyone to join me in taking advantage of the many two-fer coupons that magically appear in my mailbox - I can't stand fast food.

But maybe I can try this whole 'talking to people' and 'spending time with them' without a two-fer.  Maybe I can just call someone up and say, hey, I'm going for a walk, would you like to join me?  It's a risky plan, but I might just try it.  Because really, the two-fer coupons are just a marketing gimmick, trying to get me to buy more of a product that I didn't need in the first place. Companionship, on the other hand, is something I do need, and lucky for me, I can get it without a coupon.  Even if I have to make two or three (or more) calls before finding someone who can join me for that walk. 

Miss not-so-Independent

I remember having dinner with my roommate and her brother and some other friends.  He looked at us ladies and said something along the lines of "It's no wonder you girls aren't married.  You can do everything yourselves.  You don't need a husband."  More recently, I was helping to set up for a party at the church and was carrying a bunch of stuff in from my car.  A brother came in behind me and made some sort of joking comment about getting the door for me, after I had already opened it myself despite both hands and arms being very full.

I think about these things, and I think, to some extent, they are right - I can do, and do do, a lot of things by myself.  Because if I didn't do them, who would?  When I come back from grocery shopping, there is no one around to help me carry in the groceries, or to open the door while I carry them in.  And since I'm too lazy to make multiple trips, I usually have my hands and arms pretty full when I come in from the car, but I still manage to open the door without putting anything down (I like to think of it as an art form that I have perfected over many years of practice).  There is no-one else to change the light bulb when it burns out (this is unfortunate, as my last light bulb changing attempt was actually a failure - it's not that I couldn't get the old bulb out and the new bulb in, apparently I bought the wrong kind of bulb, so even though the new bulb looks right, it doesn't give any light.  Good thing it's a two-bulb fixture so I'm not completely in the dark.)

But does that mean I don't need a husband?  Of course not.  I used to think that one of the (many) great things about having a husband would be that I could get him to take out the garbage and take care of the car and kill the spiders and basically do all of the jobs I don't like doing.  Then I realized that's not very fair to him, if he doesn't like any of those jobs either, and it would actually have to be a more equitable distribution of work.  But there would be a distribution of work, so neither of us would have to do everything, and I expect that will be very nice.

However, I have recently realized (or maybe re-realized) another reason having a husband would be great.  You have a built in friend, someone to talk to and do things with.  The importance of this factor was brought home to me in the Tale of Two Holidays.  Last fall I took a lovely holiday to Europe by myself, and I did not love it.  It was nice, I saw some cool things, but I was bored with myself and really wanted someone to talk to and to share my interesting discoveries with and to discuss the neat things I was seeing.  or the bad driving, or crazy people.  I also realized that I am more adventurous when I am with someone else.
I recently got back from the second of the two holidays.  This time I went to visit a friend, and got to stay with her family for the entire vacation.  It was great to have someone to spend time with, to talk to, ask questions of, get opinions from, etc.   The comparison between my two holidays and the way I felt while away confirmed for me the truth of the saying "no man (or woman) is an island" (although I was on an island when I realized this, greatly enjoying the beach and the sunshine).  It doesn't matter whether I can take care of myself all by myself, or whether my future husband can do the same (I really hope he can, by this stage in life).  Our lives will be more enjoyable together.

Maybe Tomorrow

As you  may recall, I decided to try online dating, since real live dating was not happening.  So I signed up with an LDS site, posted the best picture I could find, had my friend review and edit my profile, and waited for the magic to begin. (My friend, who has had some success with online dating, said she would usually chat with 4-5 guys at a time to figure out which of them were of interest to her.  She's a lot more outgoing than I am, so I figured I would just try for 2-3 at a time.)

I kept waiting - no magic.  I talked to my friend, and found out you actually have to work at online dating.  If you want men to look at your profile, you need to actually be online on a regular basis so your profile will be one of the first ones to show up.  And you should also be searching for potentially interesting men.  So I started working - I did some searching and found a lot of middle aged divorced men from Utah.  Oh wait, maybe that's an overgeneralization.  There were also younger, non-Utah men on there, but not nearly as many as in the Utah contingent.  I also made sure to go on more frequently.

The results? A couple of flirts from guys who refused to post pictures, including one who's ideal woman was a cross between Anna Karenina and some other fictional character, and the suggestion that I hook up with my cousin, who was also on the site.  None of which interested me.  Needless to say, I did not renew my subscription.

Now, maybe I just didn't go into this with the right attitude.  After all, there are tons of stories about people who have success with online dating, who meet their eternal companion and live happily ever after.  And maybe it's possible.  But personally, I prefer live interaction.  It's easier for me to be accepting of differences if the first thing I learn about you isn't that you have horrible spelling and worse grammar.

Not long after I decided not to renew, I found this article that says the whole online thing is still just a game of chance, and you would do just as well trying to pick someone up in a bar.  Well, I pondered that, as drunk men seem to think I have really nice eyes (even if I can't immediately smell the alcohol on the guys at the shelter where I volunteer, when they give me the same compliment ten times in three minutes, it's a pretty good sign that they're no longer sober).  But since drunk men are an immediate turn-off for me, I figured I'd have even less success in the bar than I did online.   The fact that I don't go to bars may have figured in there somewhere as well.

So for now, I'll just keep looking for dates the old fashioned way. 

Love and Romance

Happy Valentine's Day!  I am aware that there are some single people who find this a difficult holiday to deal with.  Here's my theory on that - they associate today with romance, and feel sad because they don't have any romance in their life.

I do not associate today with romance.  This could be because I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, or it could just be because I'm weird.   But I think the real reason is because I associate today not with an expression of emotion, but with an actual emotion - love - that I give and receive regardless of whether I'm in a romantic relationship.

When I was growing up, my mom would always make cookies for Valentine's Day.  And not just any cookies, we're talking plate-sized heart shaped sugar cookies complete with pink icing and usually our names written on them.  I like to think our names were on them because we are each special, but it may also have had a practical purpose in keeping us kids from eating each other's cookies.  Anyway, my memories of Valentine's Day are associated with cookies, and knowing that my mom loved me enough to make me my own special cookie.

All the kids have moved out, so my mom doesn't make the heart cookies anymore.  I have taken up the tradition for myself (although I admit, mine are much smaller and not personalized).  I have no kids, but there are plenty of people I love, and making special cookies for them is one way to show it.  Interestingly enough, when I came home tonight from delivering my little gifts of love, I found that someone had left me my own gift of love.  Yes, there was a plate of heart shaped cookies complete with pink icing left on my doorstep.  But even without the cookies, I know that I am loved, not only by my parents, my family and friends, but by my Saviour, who makes all things bearable, and through whom all things are possible.