Where the boys are

One year my friend got me a book entitled “An LDS Woman’s Guide to Getting a Date”, by Dr. Brent Barlow.  In it, Dr. Barlow presents some very useful tips for getting males to ask you out.  However, the book appears to be geared towards students at BYU, or people living in some other utopia where the single men are plentiful, as there is nothing in the book on where to find men on whom you can practice these useful tips (more on the tips in a future post).

So I've put together my own theories on where the men are - now in these theories, "men" refers to people who meet the criteria on The List.  Unfortunately, most of my theories actually relate to where the men are not; as in, they are not at the single adult activities where I used to live.  Not that there were no single men in that town, even single, active LDS men.  They just generally didn't attend activities.  I'll leave the question of why they didn't attend for someone else to figure out.  Single men are also generally not in the temple sessions I attend, although I keep hoping that one day I'll attend and there HE will be, just waiting for me (yes, I know, that's really hoping for the easy way out, where I don't actually have to apply any of Dr. Barlow's tips).

Single men are rarely at my workplace, and rarely in my ward (although there are apparently a lot of them on my ward list).  Single men do not work at my car repair shop, they do not wait for the bus with me, they don't even ride the elevator with me (yes, I often check).

So where are the men?  We've all heard the rumours that they're in Alaska.  I've never been there to follow up on this rumour, but I met some ladies from Alaska at a singles event, and they were having trouble finding men there.  I've come up with a few places where you really can find men.  The first, and my favourite, is China.  The combination of their one child policy and their cultural priority placed on male children has resulted in a skewed male female ratio.  I read an article the other day about a man in China who went on over a hundred dates, and none of the women would have anything further to do with him, because they could afford to be picky and hold out for someone 'better'.  Some other places you can find a very high male : female ratio are in jails and homeless shelters.  The question then arises - do you really want a man you might find in those places?

It takes two

As stated in The Family: a Proclamation to the World, there are two essential elements to any marriage: a man, and a woman.  Well, I've got one part for sure, the problem is finding the second part.  I'm a little bit slow at this part.  (No comments from the peanut gallery please about whether I might be slow in other areas as well.)  It took me a long time to realize that I was spending about 98% of my time with women and/or married men.  While I enjoy the company of both those groups, neither of them include prospects for the second ingredient of my marriage recipe.  And the 2% of my time where I was actually around single men, they were mostly around the same vintage as my dad.  I love my dad, but I'd prefer not to marry someone that old.  (On the other side of the coin, I'd prefer not to marry someone young enough to be my son.)

I have now resolved to change my ways.  I decided to volunteer on the planning committee for my regional single adult conference, thinking that would be a good way to meet people.  And it has been - I've met at least 10 new women, and exactly 2 new men.  Hmmm, does that male/female ratio seem familiar to any of you?  It's a good thing that was not my only strategy for change.  Instead of playing my team sports in women's leagues, I have joined a co-ed league.  I will also be trying activities that are not gender specific, or that actually require people of both genders (ball-room dancing anyone?).  While recognizing that not all of the males in these activities will necessarily be single, the benefits of this change of direction should be manifold.  Firstly, it will increase the number of single men in my acquaintance.  It will also increase the amount of time I spend in the company of single men.  I will be able to dust of my "interacting with males" social skills that have been sitting on a shelf in the closet for far too long.  And I will be able to watch and learn from the other single women involved as they flirt with whatever single men are there.

I'm not anticipating that any of the men I meet at these activities will be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which may lead some of you to wonder how this change of direction fits with my earlier statement regarding dating/marrying non-members.  It's all about networking - more on that in a future post.

One of these things is not like the others ...

I recently heard a friend, who attends a family ward, describing her feelings about her ward.  Although the members were good people, she felt very excluded, as no one had reached out to her to invite her to dinner or parties or other small group activities.  She felt that this lack of friendship was a direct result of her single status. 

I can empathize with her.  I have attended a variety of family wards.  I have enjoyed each one of them, and have learned many important things from my fellow ward members.  But I have also often been excluded from social gatherings organized by married people.  I have come up with two main reasons why this might occur (I'm sure there are many others); either the party planner would feel uncomfortable having a single person at their married people party, or the party planner thinks the single person would feel uncomfortable attending a married people party.  If it's the first reason, I would ask the party planner to think about why they feel uncomfortable - being single is not catching, being around couples will not make me break down and cry, I'm not looking to steal anyone's husband, and it is definitely possible to play games or do activities that don't require an even number of people.  (I admit here that I'm very glad to be left off the invitation list for some of the "newlywed" parties my sister and her husband have attended.  I'm sure we all would have felt rather uncomfortable if I, or any other single person, had been in attendance.)  If it is the second reason, thank you party planner for thinking of my tender feelings, but your concern is misplaced.  On the few occasions I have been invited to activities attended mainly by married couples, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself, and when married people attend my parties, we always have a good time together.

Most of my party invitation lists include a mix of married and single people, because that's who I know and who I enjoy spending time with.  When I'm not partying, which, admittedly, is most of the time, I am surrounded by a mix of single people and married people, and we all manage to get along just fine.  And not only do we manage, we actually help each other.  Can you imagine only being around people who were in the same situation or stage of life as you?  How would you learn how to get through that situation when none of your compatriots had accomplished it?  Who would you pass on your own advice to?  By spending time with different types of people, we can learn from each other and increase our understanding of others and our ability to feel and show compassion.  Also, if you hang around married people, they might have some thoughts or advice that would help you get closer to marriage.  While most of you reading this probably already realize this, it seems that when some people get married, they forget this basic principle.

So it was with pleasure that I read the article Similarities and Differences in the February Ensign.  The author very simply and very clearly points out that the similarities between sisters far outweigh any differences resulting from our marital status. As both single and married people remember this, we will be able to enrich each other's lives and help each other progress.

To date or not to date... a non-member

That is the question.  Or at least it might be if I knew any single men who were non-members.   (I'm not counting the few at work, since passing in the halls once a week doesn't really put us anywhere near 'potential date' stage.)

I know a number of women who have answered yes to this question and decided to look outside the church when their dating prospects within the church have not amounted to anything.  It's like they have asked themselves the question "is it better to be married to a non-member than to be single", and have answered "yes".  I have some good friends who have chosen to marry non-members; some of these friends are still active in the church, and some of them are not.  I figure that the difference in religious beliefs will simply add to the existing challenges that come with any marriage.

Sometimes when I think about this question, I think "why not?  there are plenty of good men outside the church."  But then I think about it on a deeper level.  What do I really want, what is my ultimate goal in life?  It is an eternal one.  I don't want just an ordinary family, I want an eternal family.  The thought of having a family for mortality, of loving them completely, then not being with them for the rest of eternity, is heartbreaking to me. 

As my mother told me many, many times, you marry who you date.  So if you date non-members, you will probably end up married to one.  And the likelihood of marrying a non-member in the temple is pretty low.  Well, really, it's impossible to marry a non-member in the temple.  But you could date a non-member, they convert, and then you marry them in the temple - this is what I believe is less likely.  I know it happens, but is it something I'm willing to take a chance on?

Going back to The List.  If a man has faith in Christ (and of course, I'm assuming here that faith without works is dead), then that could be enough, at least for a date.  Since it's just for a date, as long as he's got faith in Christ and has strong moral standards, you can expect that he will treat you with respect and not try anything inappropriate, which would be one of my concerns about going on a date with a non-member. Also, if he has faith in Christ, there is clearly the possibility that he would eventually come to believe the true gospel of Jesus Christ.  Or as a man in my ward described it, to go from something true to something truer.  Which means that you could be the one to introduce him to the gospel.

But there's always the risk that he won't accept it.  Or that you'll be old and gray before he does.  Every time I've had a financial risk assessment, I always place in the risk averse category.  For the most part, this carries over to my dating and relationship thoughts as well.  But even with the risk involved, I can't categorically answer no to this question.  Do I want to date non-members? No.  But I recognize that God's vision is limitless, and mine is not, that He can see the hearts of men much better than I can.  So if an opportunity came along to go on a date with a non-member, I think I'd say yes.  But I'd have to think very hard before going on a second date.

World's Longest Layover

On my way back from central Europe a few years ago I had a 24-hour layover in Paris.  While waiting for my next flight, I went up the Eiffel Tower, saw Notre Dame, Sacre Coeur, the Moulin Rouge, the Champs Elysees and wandered the banks of the River Seine.  I ate quiche, crepes and pain au chocolat.  Basically, I had a fantastic time during my layover, and caught my next flight feeling very glad for the layover (although a little tired from running all over the place).
Single life is kind of like a layover.  God's plan makes it pretty clear that being single is not the final destination, even though you generally don't know exactly when the next leg of your journey will start.  So you've got a couple of choices; you can sit in the figurative airport waiting for your next flight to be called, dragging your luggage with you every time you go to the bathroom and trying to find some way to sleep on those horrible lounge chairs,being interrupted every few minutes by announcements over the p.a. system, or you can make the most of your layover, see the sights and experience everything you can about wherever you are.  I can guarantee that wherever you are spending your layover, life will be way more interesting and enjoyable if you choose to leave the airport and take in the sights.