Working the room

A few years ago I attended a marketing seminar through my work, put on by networking consultant and marketing coach, Mark Maraia.  The purpose of the seminar was to get us excited about, and therefore actively doing,  marketing.  Now, I will hand it to Mark, he does a very interesting presentation, and it did get me excited.  But not about marketing.  Instead, as Mark gave his speech, I thought about how everything he was saying applied to dating. 

Mark's biggest focus is that we need to reframe marketing into networking.  Marketing is not about getting work now, it is about building relationships so we can get referrals and have ongoing work.  Translate that into dating.  It is not about getting that one date tonight, it is about building relationships so we can get referrals and have dates over time.

Mark has written a couple of books about networking.  If you're interested in marketing, or dating, I'd suggest reading them.  They are well written, with fairly short chapters that get right to the point and give examples on how to hone and focus your networking efforts.  As an example of how the precepts he teaches might apply to dating, here are a few of the chapter titles from his book, "Rainmaking Made Simple", with a few strategic word replacements.

• Your attitude is everything: How can I change my attitude toward dating?
• Learning from rejection
• Living your priorities: how do I make dating a priority?
• Keeping dates satisfied: How do I keep dates coming back for more?
• Generating referrals
• Avoid random acts of lunch: How can I avoid wasting my dating effort in random, unplanned dates?
• The myth of asking for the date: Do I have to ask for the date right away?
• Networking during social events
• Getting in front of the right audience

I think you get the picture.  Basically, he says you need to meet lots of people, have real conversations with them by asking "high energy" questions that will get the other person talking, be enthusiastic about your product (which, in the case of dating, is yourself), and maintain those relationships.  The more relationships you have, the more business (dates) you will get.

Mark also has a chapter called 'Conferencing with a purpose'.  He suggests that you will get a lot more out of a conference if you set goals for yourself before you go.  So I applied this principle and set a goal for myself at the last singles conference I attended - meet a male and develop a relationship to the point that we exchange contact information.  Well, having that goal gave me a purpose and direction.  I selected a couple of potential targets (is it bad to refer to potential dates as targets?), and set to work.  I accomplished my goal, only to realize that I need to be more specific next time, and try to exchange contact information with someone I'm actually interested in.  Apparently I need more practice in applying the Maraia principles.

Wondering where you can go to work the room?  Check out this site for a list of LDS single adult conferences. http://theldssinglessite.com/sa_usa_sc.html

One of these things is not like the others ...

I recently heard a friend, who attends a family ward, describing her feelings about her ward.  Although the members were good people, she felt very excluded, as no one had reached out to her to invite her to dinner or parties or other small group activities.  She felt that this lack of friendship was a direct result of her single status. 

I can empathize with her.  I have attended a variety of family wards.  I have enjoyed each one of them, and have learned many important things from my fellow ward members.  But I have also often been excluded from social gatherings organized by married people.  I have come up with two main reasons why this might occur (I'm sure there are many others); either the party planner would feel uncomfortable having a single person at their married people party, or the party planner thinks the single person would feel uncomfortable attending a married people party.  If it's the first reason, I would ask the party planner to think about why they feel uncomfortable - being single is not catching, being around couples will not make me break down and cry, I'm not looking to steal anyone's husband, and it is definitely possible to play games or do activities that don't require an even number of people.  (I admit here that I'm very glad to be left off the invitation list for some of the "newlywed" parties my sister and her husband have attended.  I'm sure we all would have felt rather uncomfortable if I, or any other single person, had been in attendance.)  If it is the second reason, thank you party planner for thinking of my tender feelings, but your concern is misplaced.  On the few occasions I have been invited to activities attended mainly by married couples, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself, and when married people attend my parties, we always have a good time together.

Most of my party invitation lists include a mix of married and single people, because that's who I know and who I enjoy spending time with.  When I'm not partying, which, admittedly, is most of the time, I am surrounded by a mix of single people and married people, and we all manage to get along just fine.  And not only do we manage, we actually help each other.  Can you imagine only being around people who were in the same situation or stage of life as you?  How would you learn how to get through that situation when none of your compatriots had accomplished it?  Who would you pass on your own advice to?  By spending time with different types of people, we can learn from each other and increase our understanding of others and our ability to feel and show compassion.  Also, if you hang around married people, they might have some thoughts or advice that would help you get closer to marriage.  While most of you reading this probably already realize this, it seems that when some people get married, they forget this basic principle.

So it was with pleasure that I read the article Similarities and Differences in the February Ensign.  The author very simply and very clearly points out that the similarities between sisters far outweigh any differences resulting from our marital status. As both single and married people remember this, we will be able to enrich each other's lives and help each other progress.