Where the boys are

One year my friend got me a book entitled “An LDS Woman’s Guide to Getting a Date”, by Dr. Brent Barlow.  In it, Dr. Barlow presents some very useful tips for getting males to ask you out.  However, the book appears to be geared towards students at BYU, or people living in some other utopia where the single men are plentiful, as there is nothing in the book on where to find men on whom you can practice these useful tips (more on the tips in a future post).

So I've put together my own theories on where the men are - now in these theories, "men" refers to people who meet the criteria on The List.  Unfortunately, most of my theories actually relate to where the men are not; as in, they are not at the single adult activities where I used to live.  Not that there were no single men in that town, even single, active LDS men.  They just generally didn't attend activities.  I'll leave the question of why they didn't attend for someone else to figure out.  Single men are also generally not in the temple sessions I attend, although I keep hoping that one day I'll attend and there HE will be, just waiting for me (yes, I know, that's really hoping for the easy way out, where I don't actually have to apply any of Dr. Barlow's tips).

Single men are rarely at my workplace, and rarely in my ward (although there are apparently a lot of them on my ward list).  Single men do not work at my car repair shop, they do not wait for the bus with me, they don't even ride the elevator with me (yes, I often check).

So where are the men?  We've all heard the rumours that they're in Alaska.  I've never been there to follow up on this rumour, but I met some ladies from Alaska at a singles event, and they were having trouble finding men there.  I've come up with a few places where you really can find men.  The first, and my favourite, is China.  The combination of their one child policy and their cultural priority placed on male children has resulted in a skewed male female ratio.  I read an article the other day about a man in China who went on over a hundred dates, and none of the women would have anything further to do with him, because they could afford to be picky and hold out for someone 'better'.  Some other places you can find a very high male : female ratio are in jails and homeless shelters.  The question then arises - do you really want a man you might find in those places?

Working the room

A few years ago I attended a marketing seminar through my work, put on by networking consultant and marketing coach, Mark Maraia.  The purpose of the seminar was to get us excited about, and therefore actively doing,  marketing.  Now, I will hand it to Mark, he does a very interesting presentation, and it did get me excited.  But not about marketing.  Instead, as Mark gave his speech, I thought about how everything he was saying applied to dating. 

Mark's biggest focus is that we need to reframe marketing into networking.  Marketing is not about getting work now, it is about building relationships so we can get referrals and have ongoing work.  Translate that into dating.  It is not about getting that one date tonight, it is about building relationships so we can get referrals and have dates over time.

Mark has written a couple of books about networking.  If you're interested in marketing, or dating, I'd suggest reading them.  They are well written, with fairly short chapters that get right to the point and give examples on how to hone and focus your networking efforts.  As an example of how the precepts he teaches might apply to dating, here are a few of the chapter titles from his book, "Rainmaking Made Simple", with a few strategic word replacements.

• Your attitude is everything: How can I change my attitude toward dating?
• Learning from rejection
• Living your priorities: how do I make dating a priority?
• Keeping dates satisfied: How do I keep dates coming back for more?
• Generating referrals
• Avoid random acts of lunch: How can I avoid wasting my dating effort in random, unplanned dates?
• The myth of asking for the date: Do I have to ask for the date right away?
• Networking during social events
• Getting in front of the right audience

I think you get the picture.  Basically, he says you need to meet lots of people, have real conversations with them by asking "high energy" questions that will get the other person talking, be enthusiastic about your product (which, in the case of dating, is yourself), and maintain those relationships.  The more relationships you have, the more business (dates) you will get.

Mark also has a chapter called 'Conferencing with a purpose'.  He suggests that you will get a lot more out of a conference if you set goals for yourself before you go.  So I applied this principle and set a goal for myself at the last singles conference I attended - meet a male and develop a relationship to the point that we exchange contact information.  Well, having that goal gave me a purpose and direction.  I selected a couple of potential targets (is it bad to refer to potential dates as targets?), and set to work.  I accomplished my goal, only to realize that I need to be more specific next time, and try to exchange contact information with someone I'm actually interested in.  Apparently I need more practice in applying the Maraia principles.

Wondering where you can go to work the room?  Check out this site for a list of LDS single adult conferences. http://theldssinglessite.com/sa_usa_sc.html

It takes two

As stated in The Family: a Proclamation to the World, there are two essential elements to any marriage: a man, and a woman.  Well, I've got one part for sure, the problem is finding the second part.  I'm a little bit slow at this part.  (No comments from the peanut gallery please about whether I might be slow in other areas as well.)  It took me a long time to realize that I was spending about 98% of my time with women and/or married men.  While I enjoy the company of both those groups, neither of them include prospects for the second ingredient of my marriage recipe.  And the 2% of my time where I was actually around single men, they were mostly around the same vintage as my dad.  I love my dad, but I'd prefer not to marry someone that old.  (On the other side of the coin, I'd prefer not to marry someone young enough to be my son.)

I have now resolved to change my ways.  I decided to volunteer on the planning committee for my regional single adult conference, thinking that would be a good way to meet people.  And it has been - I've met at least 10 new women, and exactly 2 new men.  Hmmm, does that male/female ratio seem familiar to any of you?  It's a good thing that was not my only strategy for change.  Instead of playing my team sports in women's leagues, I have joined a co-ed league.  I will also be trying activities that are not gender specific, or that actually require people of both genders (ball-room dancing anyone?).  While recognizing that not all of the males in these activities will necessarily be single, the benefits of this change of direction should be manifold.  Firstly, it will increase the number of single men in my acquaintance.  It will also increase the amount of time I spend in the company of single men.  I will be able to dust of my "interacting with males" social skills that have been sitting on a shelf in the closet for far too long.  And I will be able to watch and learn from the other single women involved as they flirt with whatever single men are there.

I'm not anticipating that any of the men I meet at these activities will be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which may lead some of you to wonder how this change of direction fits with my earlier statement regarding dating/marrying non-members.  It's all about networking - more on that in a future post.

One of these things is not like the others ...

I recently heard a friend, who attends a family ward, describing her feelings about her ward.  Although the members were good people, she felt very excluded, as no one had reached out to her to invite her to dinner or parties or other small group activities.  She felt that this lack of friendship was a direct result of her single status. 

I can empathize with her.  I have attended a variety of family wards.  I have enjoyed each one of them, and have learned many important things from my fellow ward members.  But I have also often been excluded from social gatherings organized by married people.  I have come up with two main reasons why this might occur (I'm sure there are many others); either the party planner would feel uncomfortable having a single person at their married people party, or the party planner thinks the single person would feel uncomfortable attending a married people party.  If it's the first reason, I would ask the party planner to think about why they feel uncomfortable - being single is not catching, being around couples will not make me break down and cry, I'm not looking to steal anyone's husband, and it is definitely possible to play games or do activities that don't require an even number of people.  (I admit here that I'm very glad to be left off the invitation list for some of the "newlywed" parties my sister and her husband have attended.  I'm sure we all would have felt rather uncomfortable if I, or any other single person, had been in attendance.)  If it is the second reason, thank you party planner for thinking of my tender feelings, but your concern is misplaced.  On the few occasions I have been invited to activities attended mainly by married couples, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself, and when married people attend my parties, we always have a good time together.

Most of my party invitation lists include a mix of married and single people, because that's who I know and who I enjoy spending time with.  When I'm not partying, which, admittedly, is most of the time, I am surrounded by a mix of single people and married people, and we all manage to get along just fine.  And not only do we manage, we actually help each other.  Can you imagine only being around people who were in the same situation or stage of life as you?  How would you learn how to get through that situation when none of your compatriots had accomplished it?  Who would you pass on your own advice to?  By spending time with different types of people, we can learn from each other and increase our understanding of others and our ability to feel and show compassion.  Also, if you hang around married people, they might have some thoughts or advice that would help you get closer to marriage.  While most of you reading this probably already realize this, it seems that when some people get married, they forget this basic principle.

So it was with pleasure that I read the article Similarities and Differences in the February Ensign.  The author very simply and very clearly points out that the similarities between sisters far outweigh any differences resulting from our marital status. As both single and married people remember this, we will be able to enrich each other's lives and help each other progress.