I'm still making my way through Sister Oaks' book. She talks about the holidays, and how hard Christmas can be for single people and for married people. I love Christmas. Since we decided not to do any sort of sibling gift exchange, my Decembers are usually stress free (except for this year, when I was in charge of the ward Christmas party - thank goodness for delegation and wonderful ward members!). I avoid the malls, sing in various Christmas music presentations, and enjoy my time to focus on the real meaning of Christmas rather than on the hustle and bustle and material things.
Other than the food, of course, Christmas day is not actually my favourite part of the holiday - possibly a result of too many fights over who got more than who (or should that be whom?), or maybe its even leftover disappointment from the year I searched for, and found, my presents before Christmas - that was a horrible morning.
My favourite is Christmas eve. We get together with family, sing, eat, read the Christmas story from the bible, have a little white elephant gift exchange game, and eat some more. And after everyone is gone, and those who are left have gone to bed, I go quietly into the TV room and watch the Nativity video. It makes me tear up every time, and always at the same point. When the wise man looks up and sees the new star and his chin starts to tremble as he's holding back tears, I remember the immeasurable greatness of our Saviour, that the gift He has given us is truly worth searching for through our entire lives. I am blessed because I have found Him. My private moments during the Nativity video renew my determination to do all I can to stay close to Him, that when He comes, I will be like Him and see Him as He is.
I love my Saviour and wish for all of you this Christmas the peace of knowing He lives for each one of you.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
One of the crowd
Some single people feel out of place in a family ward, particularly as they look around and see so many married people with children. I too sometimes feel out of place in my family ward, but it has nothing to do with my marital status and everything to do with my creative abilities. Seriously, have you ever noticed the high degree of creative crafting among LDS women? It seems like half of them have their own photography business, and the other half (admittedly there is lots of overlap here) scrapbook, quilt, do vinyl lettering or make fancy knickknacks for their homes. Or to sell and supplement their husband's income.
Sadly for me, art class was never my forte. My homemade cards always look homemade, and I don't actually like knickknacks, so I try to avoid those. I've been in charge of RS weekday meetings for two years now in my current ward, and have managed to completely avoid having any sort of super Saturday or other type of craft night. There is no need for me to broadcast my differences to the rest of the ward.
But as I was visiting my aunt last month, she showed me the crafts she had been working on, and one of them jumped out at me and said "you can do this!" So I tried. Here is the result - my effort is on the left, the sample is on the right.
Sadly for me, art class was never my forte. My homemade cards always look homemade, and I don't actually like knickknacks, so I try to avoid those. I've been in charge of RS weekday meetings for two years now in my current ward, and have managed to completely avoid having any sort of super Saturday or other type of craft night. There is no need for me to broadcast my differences to the rest of the ward.
But as I was visiting my aunt last month, she showed me the crafts she had been working on, and one of them jumped out at me and said "you can do this!" So I tried. Here is the result - my effort is on the left, the sample is on the right.
Although the shine in the picture suggests a strong possibility of failure as a professional photographer, just looking at the craft makes me think I might be able to fit in to a family ward after all ! (It's a napkin in case you are wondering. And if any of you reading this happen to get some Christmas tree napkins from me for Christmas, try to act surprised.)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Gratitude
I could write a post about this topic every day (or at least compose one in my head). The current gratitude train comes from a book I'm reading - A Single Voice, by Kristen M. Oaks, which was suggested to me by the lovely DB.
Sister Oaks talks about family influence, and I'll quote the part that made me grateful.
"I know from personal experience as a daughter who deeply loves her parents how frustrated and inadequate I felt in their eyes because I did not marry in the time that they expected. ... My singleness was only one fact about me, but in my family it seemed to have become the dominant fact. My parents felt my pain and mirrored it back to me and even intensified it - which was never their intention."
I am grateful for a family who accepts me exactly as I am (well, there may be a few things about me they'd like to change), and never makes me feel less welcome, less important, or less anything because I am not married and everyone else in the family is. Now, they may feel frustrated at my single state, and I'm sure they all will be thrilled when I meet and marry a nice man, but I've never sensed any anxiety on their part for me. Now, that could be because I'm not very sensitive (something else to be grateful for on most days), but I like to think that it is because my family also has faith and hope, and they trust that God knows what is best for me and will provide for me in His time. So thank you, family for being who you are, and for accepting me for who I am.
For anyone who's wondering about the book, I'm not very far into it yet, so I'm sure I'll have more posts in the future about my thoughts as I keep reading. If you've read it and would like to comment on it or do a guest post, just let me know.
Sister Oaks talks about family influence, and I'll quote the part that made me grateful.
"I know from personal experience as a daughter who deeply loves her parents how frustrated and inadequate I felt in their eyes because I did not marry in the time that they expected. ... My singleness was only one fact about me, but in my family it seemed to have become the dominant fact. My parents felt my pain and mirrored it back to me and even intensified it - which was never their intention."
I am grateful for a family who accepts me exactly as I am (well, there may be a few things about me they'd like to change), and never makes me feel less welcome, less important, or less anything because I am not married and everyone else in the family is. Now, they may feel frustrated at my single state, and I'm sure they all will be thrilled when I meet and marry a nice man, but I've never sensed any anxiety on their part for me. Now, that could be because I'm not very sensitive (something else to be grateful for on most days), but I like to think that it is because my family also has faith and hope, and they trust that God knows what is best for me and will provide for me in His time. So thank you, family for being who you are, and for accepting me for who I am.
For anyone who's wondering about the book, I'm not very far into it yet, so I'm sure I'll have more posts in the future about my thoughts as I keep reading. If you've read it and would like to comment on it or do a guest post, just let me know.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Goal!
In sport speak, the word goal indicates something to be celebrated, and is generally said with great excitement. In the rest of life, at least in my life, the word 'goal' is said with much less excitement.
While I recognize the importance of setting goals in order to improve, I also recognize that goals require work, which I don't always enjoy. But I set goals anyway, and for the last few years have even written them down so I would remember and hopefully accomplish them.
Last year I had a goal to go on a specific number of dates. Now, I recognize that this is not an ideal goal, since my ability to accomplish it depends in large part on the choices of others. However, setting the goal does motivate me to work towards it, remembering that I need to try to look my best, and smile, and actually talk to men. I only achieved 60% of last year's goal, so for this year I decided not to set a specific number, but instead to have the goal of going on more dates than last year.
A few days ago I realized that it has been almost a year since my last date, which means that I am sadly failing at my goal. But miracles have not ceased - shortly after I had that thought, I got asked out on a date by someone who meets all of the criteria on my list! Including being younger than my dad.
While I recognize the importance of setting goals in order to improve, I also recognize that goals require work, which I don't always enjoy. But I set goals anyway, and for the last few years have even written them down so I would remember and hopefully accomplish them.
Last year I had a goal to go on a specific number of dates. Now, I recognize that this is not an ideal goal, since my ability to accomplish it depends in large part on the choices of others. However, setting the goal does motivate me to work towards it, remembering that I need to try to look my best, and smile, and actually talk to men. I only achieved 60% of last year's goal, so for this year I decided not to set a specific number, but instead to have the goal of going on more dates than last year.
A few days ago I realized that it has been almost a year since my last date, which means that I am sadly failing at my goal. But miracles have not ceased - shortly after I had that thought, I got asked out on a date by someone who meets all of the criteria on my list! Including being younger than my dad.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Children are an heritage of the Lord
Along with attending baby blessings for two new nephews in the last month, this weekend I got to go to a birthday party for one of my nieces and see all of my nieces and nephews together. Of course, they are all cute, and it has been a great experience watching them grow and develop their own personalities. It is also neat watching their parents grow and develop as they raise their children.
Elder Anderson gave a wonderful talk on children at the last general conference. And this afternoon I was listening to one of the sessions from last April's conference, where Elder Lynn G. Robbins gave some comments about children and parenting. In particular, he talked about the patience that parents develop. Watching my siblings and their spouses with my nieces and nephews I am continually amazed at their ability to be patient with their children as they deal with the same issues and the same behaviours over and over and over again. Are they perfectly patient? Probably not, but their kids are still young, they've got time to learn.
I'm grateful for their willingness to let me play with and babysit their kids so that I can experience the joy of influencing a child for good (which is different from messing with their minds, although I may have occasionally tried that as well). I'm also grateful for the opportunities that gives me to develop patience. Because although I am working on having patience with God's timing, I think that having patience with little kids requires a whole different level of patience.
I am perhaps most grateful that my nieces and nephews love me enough to give me hugs and kisses without prompting from their parents. Children (which we all were once, and in an eternal sense still are) truly are a heritage and a blessing from God, regardless of who gave birth to them.
Elder Anderson gave a wonderful talk on children at the last general conference. And this afternoon I was listening to one of the sessions from last April's conference, where Elder Lynn G. Robbins gave some comments about children and parenting. In particular, he talked about the patience that parents develop. Watching my siblings and their spouses with my nieces and nephews I am continually amazed at their ability to be patient with their children as they deal with the same issues and the same behaviours over and over and over again. Are they perfectly patient? Probably not, but their kids are still young, they've got time to learn.
I'm grateful for their willingness to let me play with and babysit their kids so that I can experience the joy of influencing a child for good (which is different from messing with their minds, although I may have occasionally tried that as well). I'm also grateful for the opportunities that gives me to develop patience. Because although I am working on having patience with God's timing, I think that having patience with little kids requires a whole different level of patience.
I am perhaps most grateful that my nieces and nephews love me enough to give me hugs and kisses without prompting from their parents. Children (which we all were once, and in an eternal sense still are) truly are a heritage and a blessing from God, regardless of who gave birth to them.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Temporal v. Spiritual, Part 2
I was visiting with a friend this weekend, and she shared her List with me, which really got me thinking. Now, to be clear, my List is of the qualities required for a first date, and her List is for the qualities required for marriage, so there are some obvious differences between Lists.
I have struggled to keep my List short, trying to balance my desire for a great mate with the realization that if I only look for perfection, I may end up overlooking greatness. But when my friend told me her List, it helped me see things from a better perspective.
For her eternal companion, she is seeking someone who can meet the following four criteria:
- spiritually compatible
- mentally compatible
- physically attractive
- moral integrity
Some of the things I struggle to keep off my list, like minimum height requirements (I admit, I want someone taller than I am, which shouldn't be hard), some sort of post secondary education, and and mental health, are important to me. But when seen in light of my friend's list, I realize that they are very temporal. In the eternities, I believe we will all be physically and mentally healthy. We will all be learning continually. And height won't matter.
So thank you, my friend, for helping me realize that, if I truly want an eternal relationship, I need to focus more on the spiritual, or eternal, qualities when looking for an eternal companion, because the temporal qualities are just that, temporary.
I have struggled to keep my List short, trying to balance my desire for a great mate with the realization that if I only look for perfection, I may end up overlooking greatness. But when my friend told me her List, it helped me see things from a better perspective.
For her eternal companion, she is seeking someone who can meet the following four criteria:
- spiritually compatible
- mentally compatible
- physically attractive
- moral integrity
Some of the things I struggle to keep off my list, like minimum height requirements (I admit, I want someone taller than I am, which shouldn't be hard), some sort of post secondary education, and and mental health, are important to me. But when seen in light of my friend's list, I realize that they are very temporal. In the eternities, I believe we will all be physically and mentally healthy. We will all be learning continually. And height won't matter.
So thank you, my friend, for helping me realize that, if I truly want an eternal relationship, I need to focus more on the spiritual, or eternal, qualities when looking for an eternal companion, because the temporal qualities are just that, temporary.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Temporal vs. Spiritual
I was talking with a friend recently who has just been invited to sit on a stake single adult committee. He couldn't understand why some of the married people in the room seemed to feel sorry for him because he was still single. He thinks being single is great, and focuses on the benefits of being single. I agree with him, there are a lot of good things about being single, like being able to go wherever you want on vacation whenever you want, not having to wash the dishes if you don't want to, being able to eat the entire batch of chocolate chip cookies, being able to set the thermostat at whatever temperature you like, and so on.
But as I was thinking about it, I realized that the majority of the good things I usually notice about being single are very self centered. They often seem to be good things because they appeal to my "natural woman". And they are generally very temporally based. In the eternities, none of the "benefits" listed above will matter (although it would be really nice if they have cookies).
The Lord has told us that all things unto him are spiritual (D&C 29:34). So are there any spiritual benefits to being single? Absolutely. Like having time to study my scriptures and pray regularly without interruption. Like being able to visit my family whenever I want to, or whenever they need someone to help out (or whenever I get a new niece or nephew, like I did twice last month!).
How do the spiritual benefits available to singles in this life compare with those available to married people? I don't know that you can do an exact comparison, but given that we have been promised that no blessing will be denied to us if we live righteously, I believe that the same level of spiritual growth must be available to singles and marrieds in this life, although the areas of growth may be different. Of course, the number of benefits available does not often equal the number of benefits actually accessed, regardless of whether you are married or single.
When it comes to spiritual benefits in the eternities, there is no question in my mind that the opportunities available to married people will be far greater than those available to singles. Which is why it is such a blessing to have the promise that opportunities for marriage are not limited to mortality.
But as I was thinking about it, I realized that the majority of the good things I usually notice about being single are very self centered. They often seem to be good things because they appeal to my "natural woman". And they are generally very temporally based. In the eternities, none of the "benefits" listed above will matter (although it would be really nice if they have cookies).
The Lord has told us that all things unto him are spiritual (D&C 29:34). So are there any spiritual benefits to being single? Absolutely. Like having time to study my scriptures and pray regularly without interruption. Like being able to visit my family whenever I want to, or whenever they need someone to help out (or whenever I get a new niece or nephew, like I did twice last month!).
How do the spiritual benefits available to singles in this life compare with those available to married people? I don't know that you can do an exact comparison, but given that we have been promised that no blessing will be denied to us if we live righteously, I believe that the same level of spiritual growth must be available to singles and marrieds in this life, although the areas of growth may be different. Of course, the number of benefits available does not often equal the number of benefits actually accessed, regardless of whether you are married or single.
When it comes to spiritual benefits in the eternities, there is no question in my mind that the opportunities available to married people will be far greater than those available to singles. Which is why it is such a blessing to have the promise that opportunities for marriage are not limited to mortality.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Holiday Lessons
Well, there's been a bit of a break between postings. I'm using my recent vacation as an excuse, and totally ignoring any impact the laziness factor may have had.
I spent two weeks on vacation in Europe and learned some important lessons. Like two weeks is too much time for me to spend alone.
One of my sisters noticed my Shopping post and asked whether my trip was to meet someone I had met in "The Store". The quick answer is no, although on the advice of a friend, I did look in the European aisle of the store before I left, but didn't see anyone in the right areas of Europe. I did, however, get hit on in Spain. Normally I don't spend much time speaking to strangers on the street, but I think by this point in my vacation I was desperate for conversation, and rather excited to find someone who spoke English . He was a nice enough man, but he kept wanting to hold my hand. Now, there's nothing wrong with holding hands, but really, I had just met the guy!
We did have a nice chat, which he kept interspersing with comments about how nice and beautiful I am. When he figured out that I was serious when I said I needed to know him much better before I would let him touch me, he left, after telling me I was basically overthinking things and should just listen to my instincts like he did. Well, since my instincts (or maybe it's just my naturally suspicious nature) said he was just looking for some action. As I was thinking about it later, I was able to more clearly explain (to myself, anyway) why I wouldn't hold hands with him. It was not that I needed to know everything about him from where he went to school to what his favourite vegetable is. The real thing I need to know about someone before I would let them touch me is that I will be safe with them, not just physically, but that my virtue would be safe. That if I said stop, they would stop. Or if I didn't say stop when I should have, they would stop anyway. So if I ever get hit on by a stranger again, now I know how to explain it.
The second lesson I learned, or I should say, relearned, was from the scriptures. I was reading 3 Nephi 23, where Christ is reminding the Nephites that everything the prophets have said, and everything the Lord has said, will be fulfilled. It was a wonderful reminder that the Lord fulfills his promises, so as long as I am living properly, I don't need to worry about when I get married. I don't need to stress about looking for a husband, I can just focus on living a righteous life, and God will make sure that things fall into place whenever they are supposed to.
I spent two weeks on vacation in Europe and learned some important lessons. Like two weeks is too much time for me to spend alone.
One of my sisters noticed my Shopping post and asked whether my trip was to meet someone I had met in "The Store". The quick answer is no, although on the advice of a friend, I did look in the European aisle of the store before I left, but didn't see anyone in the right areas of Europe. I did, however, get hit on in Spain. Normally I don't spend much time speaking to strangers on the street, but I think by this point in my vacation I was desperate for conversation, and rather excited to find someone who spoke English . He was a nice enough man, but he kept wanting to hold my hand. Now, there's nothing wrong with holding hands, but really, I had just met the guy!
We did have a nice chat, which he kept interspersing with comments about how nice and beautiful I am. When he figured out that I was serious when I said I needed to know him much better before I would let him touch me, he left, after telling me I was basically overthinking things and should just listen to my instincts like he did. Well, since my instincts (or maybe it's just my naturally suspicious nature) said he was just looking for some action. As I was thinking about it later, I was able to more clearly explain (to myself, anyway) why I wouldn't hold hands with him. It was not that I needed to know everything about him from where he went to school to what his favourite vegetable is. The real thing I need to know about someone before I would let them touch me is that I will be safe with them, not just physically, but that my virtue would be safe. That if I said stop, they would stop. Or if I didn't say stop when I should have, they would stop anyway. So if I ever get hit on by a stranger again, now I know how to explain it.
The second lesson I learned, or I should say, relearned, was from the scriptures. I was reading 3 Nephi 23, where Christ is reminding the Nephites that everything the prophets have said, and everything the Lord has said, will be fulfilled. It was a wonderful reminder that the Lord fulfills his promises, so as long as I am living properly, I don't need to worry about when I get married. I don't need to stress about looking for a husband, I can just focus on living a righteous life, and God will make sure that things fall into place whenever they are supposed to.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Wearing Blinders
I was at a conference this weekend and was pleasantly surprised by the number of women. Which is when it hit me, I work in a very male dominated industry - I've been swimming in a pool full of fish for seven years and haven't even noticed! Well, I noticed there were fish, but I had automatically discounted them because I assumed that they were all non-members who drink too much alcohol (apparently quite common in the industry) and/or were married or in a relationship.
So, maybe it's time for me to take the blinders off and actually look at the fish swimming around me. Although when I finally checked out the fish at the conference, they all seemed to be wearing rings. (I know, fish don't have fingers, so how could they wear rings, right? Just humour me here, pretend it works.)
I will try to do better at seeing what is right in front of me. Because really, if I'm meeting them through work, as long as they are ringless, they would most likely meet all the rest of the criteria on the list. Once they've passed that first check, then I can use Elder Hales' test on them.
So, maybe it's time for me to take the blinders off and actually look at the fish swimming around me. Although when I finally checked out the fish at the conference, they all seemed to be wearing rings. (I know, fish don't have fingers, so how could they wear rings, right? Just humour me here, pretend it works.)
I will try to do better at seeing what is right in front of me. Because really, if I'm meeting them through work, as long as they are ringless, they would most likely meet all the rest of the criteria on the list. Once they've passed that first check, then I can use Elder Hales' test on them.
Single members of the Church often ask, “How do I find the right person to marry?” Let me suggest an approach. Measure the spiritual level of your potential future companions. First, if they are members of the Church, are they active and fully committed, or are they passive or antagonistic? Second, if they are not members, are they receptive to the gospel and its teachings, or are they noncommittal or antagonistic?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Goin' Shopping
I've often asked myself whether I am doing everything I can to find a husband. The answer is invariably "no". (I don't smile enough, I don't wear lipstick (according to my mom, this could be a key to getting dates), etc.) One of the things I haven't done is on-line dating. It's always seemed really odd to me, as I wonder what is wrong with those men that they can't find someone in "real life". But then, what is wrong with me, that I can't find someone in "real life"? I've also got issues with putting myself and my personal information (which is whatever I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone other than my few closest friends) out on the web for total strangers to see. (Yes, this could explain why I write as "Fran"'.)
Anyway, for a while now I've felt like, if I'm really serious about wanting to get married, I need to actually start looking for a husband. And what better place to look than in the man store, otherwise known as on-line dating? Seriously, I finally signed up a couple weeks ago, and after figuring out that the men weren't going to start hunting me down simply because I signed up, I actually signed in and did some browsing. It is the weirdest thing - kind of like on-line shopping. You can browse the merchandise (search for men) for whatever you're interested in, make a wish list (flirt), but you don't have the ability to singlehandedly put merchandise in your shopping cart. You have to ask the merchandise if it wants to get into your shopping cart. If the merchandise agrees, then i suppose you'd have to ask the merchandise again at checkout whether it was OK for you to complete the purchase. Or maybe somewhere in the process the roles shift, and you become the merchandise in someone else's cart, and he will ask you if it's OK to complete the purchase.
However it works, it's certainly a different experience. Will it work for me? Who knows. I've heard plenty of stories about people who have met on-line and have wonderful relationships. Perhaps the most convincing story is one I discovered myself - as I was "browsing the merchandise", I came across my cousin's profile. This particular cousin hasn't had a serious (or possibly any?) girlfriend for far longer than I haven't had a serious (or non-serious) boyfriend. His profile now says something along the lines of "I'm now in a relationship with a lovely lady, thanks for your interest". If he can get merchandise in his shopping cart, so can I.
Anyway, for a while now I've felt like, if I'm really serious about wanting to get married, I need to actually start looking for a husband. And what better place to look than in the man store, otherwise known as on-line dating? Seriously, I finally signed up a couple weeks ago, and after figuring out that the men weren't going to start hunting me down simply because I signed up, I actually signed in and did some browsing. It is the weirdest thing - kind of like on-line shopping. You can browse the merchandise (search for men) for whatever you're interested in, make a wish list (flirt), but you don't have the ability to singlehandedly put merchandise in your shopping cart. You have to ask the merchandise if it wants to get into your shopping cart. If the merchandise agrees, then i suppose you'd have to ask the merchandise again at checkout whether it was OK for you to complete the purchase. Or maybe somewhere in the process the roles shift, and you become the merchandise in someone else's cart, and he will ask you if it's OK to complete the purchase.
However it works, it's certainly a different experience. Will it work for me? Who knows. I've heard plenty of stories about people who have met on-line and have wonderful relationships. Perhaps the most convincing story is one I discovered myself - as I was "browsing the merchandise", I came across my cousin's profile. This particular cousin hasn't had a serious (or possibly any?) girlfriend for far longer than I haven't had a serious (or non-serious) boyfriend. His profile now says something along the lines of "I'm now in a relationship with a lovely lady, thanks for your interest". If he can get merchandise in his shopping cart, so can I.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
The Importance of Being Happy (and Earnest)
My brother once told me, "if you're not happy, you're doing something wrong." As you might imagine, hearing this did not make me happy. Although I eventually accepted that he was right. And I am learning that he was right in terms of meeting men as well.
Through my incredibly scientific research (watching the men at the homeless shelter where I volunteer), I have discovered that being happy (or at the very least appearing to be happy), can have great benefits in terms of developing relationships with the opposite gender. I don't do much at the shelter besides open lockers, so a while ago I decided that my real job there is to be nice, which I accomplish mainly by smiling at the clients. The response is wonderful; of the ones who are aware enough to notice me smiling, I'd say 95% smile back and either attempt to engage me in conversation, or respond to my attempts to engage them in conversation. Lesson learned? If I want a guy to talk to me, I should start by smiling at him.
On a completely unrelated note, notwithstanding all of my great efforts, my shower still leaks. But I can still be happy because a) my renovation scab has healed, b) my dad may be coming to visit soon and he can fix it for me, and c) (probably the best one) I have another shower I can use.
Through my incredibly scientific research (watching the men at the homeless shelter where I volunteer), I have discovered that being happy (or at the very least appearing to be happy), can have great benefits in terms of developing relationships with the opposite gender. I don't do much at the shelter besides open lockers, so a while ago I decided that my real job there is to be nice, which I accomplish mainly by smiling at the clients. The response is wonderful; of the ones who are aware enough to notice me smiling, I'd say 95% smile back and either attempt to engage me in conversation, or respond to my attempts to engage them in conversation. Lesson learned? If I want a guy to talk to me, I should start by smiling at him.
On a completely unrelated note, notwithstanding all of my great efforts, my shower still leaks. But I can still be happy because a) my renovation scab has healed, b) my dad may be coming to visit soon and he can fix it for me, and c) (probably the best one) I have another shower I can use.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Why I need to get married
Or, the worst little home reno project ever.
So, a few months ago I realized that my bathroom shower was leaking and needed to be recaulked. Since I have another shower, there was no hurry for me to get around to it, but I finally tried it.
Step 1: buy caulking - pretty simple, I knew from watching my dad what kind to get.
Step 2: open caulking - little more difficult, ended up with a lovely gash in my hand from cutting the top off the tube.
Step 3: get caulking out of tube - I thought it could be done without a caulking gun, I was wrong.
Step 4: buy caulking gun - found one at the second store I tried.
Step 5: install caulking tube in caulking gun - even without any instructions on the tube or the gun, I figured this one out.
Return to Step 4: get caulking out of tube - in theory, it should be easier now that I have a caulking gun. But either I'm an idiot, or I have bought myself the world's worst caulking gun. Instead of coming out of the tip of the tube, the caulking is coming out the butt end, and is now getting all over the caulking gun. No matter how hard I try, I can't get the caulking to come out of the top. So, being the resourceful person I am, I move on to Step 6 anyway.
Step 6: - apply caulking to shower - since the caulking I can access is in a big lump at the wrong end of the tube, I get some on my finger to rub it where it needs to go. I've seen my dad use his finger to smooth caulking before, so it should be fine. And it is, except my finger is bigger than the space where the caulking needs to go, so it looks pretty bad. Frustrated, i return to step 5.
Step 5: get caulking out of tube - in desperation, I break off the entire top of the tube. The caulking now comes out of the top, but instead of being lumpy from the bottom, now it's lumpy from the top, which is still no help in getting the caulking in the right amount on the right spot.
Take a break before going back to Step 6 to try Step 7: - try to get caulking off finger. Note to all - water doesn't do much to get rid of waterproof caulking. Thankfully, I had some paint remover that did the trick.
Back to Step 6. I got a bit smarter this time, and put a plastic bag over my hand this time.
Final result: caulking gun and caulking tube in the garbage, base of shower covered in caulking and looking extremely messy. But I did manage to avoid getting any on the floor. Now I just have to wait to see whether it will be effective in keeping the shower from leaking.
What does this have to do with needing a husband? If I had one, he could have applied the caulking for me. Or he could have told me what a decent caulking gun looks like, or at the very least, he could have stopped me as soon as he saw the mess I was making and made me call someone who could do it right. Or better yet, he would have had me call someone before I got started on the whole mess. But then I wouldn't have learned that not all caulking guns are created equal.
So, a few months ago I realized that my bathroom shower was leaking and needed to be recaulked. Since I have another shower, there was no hurry for me to get around to it, but I finally tried it.
Step 1: buy caulking - pretty simple, I knew from watching my dad what kind to get.
Step 2: open caulking - little more difficult, ended up with a lovely gash in my hand from cutting the top off the tube.
Step 3: get caulking out of tube - I thought it could be done without a caulking gun, I was wrong.
Step 4: buy caulking gun - found one at the second store I tried.
Step 5: install caulking tube in caulking gun - even without any instructions on the tube or the gun, I figured this one out.
Return to Step 4: get caulking out of tube - in theory, it should be easier now that I have a caulking gun. But either I'm an idiot, or I have bought myself the world's worst caulking gun. Instead of coming out of the tip of the tube, the caulking is coming out the butt end, and is now getting all over the caulking gun. No matter how hard I try, I can't get the caulking to come out of the top. So, being the resourceful person I am, I move on to Step 6 anyway.
Step 6: - apply caulking to shower - since the caulking I can access is in a big lump at the wrong end of the tube, I get some on my finger to rub it where it needs to go. I've seen my dad use his finger to smooth caulking before, so it should be fine. And it is, except my finger is bigger than the space where the caulking needs to go, so it looks pretty bad. Frustrated, i return to step 5.
Step 5: get caulking out of tube - in desperation, I break off the entire top of the tube. The caulking now comes out of the top, but instead of being lumpy from the bottom, now it's lumpy from the top, which is still no help in getting the caulking in the right amount on the right spot.
Take a break before going back to Step 6 to try Step 7: - try to get caulking off finger. Note to all - water doesn't do much to get rid of waterproof caulking. Thankfully, I had some paint remover that did the trick.
Back to Step 6. I got a bit smarter this time, and put a plastic bag over my hand this time.
Final result: caulking gun and caulking tube in the garbage, base of shower covered in caulking and looking extremely messy. But I did manage to avoid getting any on the floor. Now I just have to wait to see whether it will be effective in keeping the shower from leaking.
What does this have to do with needing a husband? If I had one, he could have applied the caulking for me. Or he could have told me what a decent caulking gun looks like, or at the very least, he could have stopped me as soon as he saw the mess I was making and made me call someone who could do it right. Or better yet, he would have had me call someone before I got started on the whole mess. But then I wouldn't have learned that not all caulking guns are created equal.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
More List
So, I went to a dance last night. I had a good time, but it made me think about the list. I may need to add another item - "younger than my dad". In theory, a sugar daddy sounds kind of nice, but in reality, I'm just not sure I could do it. Even ( or perhaps especially if?) he's in better shape than I am.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Dry spell v. Drought
How does a climatologist, or a farmer, decide when things have moved from a dry spell (a period of no precipitation) to a drought (an extended period where abnormally low water availability adversely affects growing or living conditions)? I have no idea. I'm more interested in deciding whether my own dry spell (a period of few or no dates) is actually a drought (an extended period where abnormally low date availability adversely affects social development). I think at this point, if I call it anything other than a drought, I'm probably lying to myself.
Which leads me to think of Joseph of Egypt, and the dream he interpreted about the 7 fat years and the 7 lean years. Have I had my "fat" dating years and am heading into a period of lean dating years? Unfortunately, I haven't figured out any way to store up anything from the "fat" years to keep me going through the lean years. At least not in terms of dates. But there are plenty of other things that keep me going, like good friends, family, great ward members, learning new things, and of course, my relationship with my Heavenly Father and with my Saviour. Since I'm not distracted by romantic relationships (either actual or potential), I have lots of time to make these lean dating years become fat spiritual years.
Which leads me to think of Joseph of Egypt, and the dream he interpreted about the 7 fat years and the 7 lean years. Have I had my "fat" dating years and am heading into a period of lean dating years? Unfortunately, I haven't figured out any way to store up anything from the "fat" years to keep me going through the lean years. At least not in terms of dates. But there are plenty of other things that keep me going, like good friends, family, great ward members, learning new things, and of course, my relationship with my Heavenly Father and with my Saviour. Since I'm not distracted by romantic relationships (either actual or potential), I have lots of time to make these lean dating years become fat spiritual years.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
It's not you, it's me
Special guest post by DB
Caveat: This guest blogger feels she should be upfront with her dating/relationship knowledge and activity.
Dating/relationship knowledge –theoretical – 7
Dating/relationship knowledge-actual – 2
Dating activity – I shoot for a goal of at least one date/year
Several weeks ago I attended a mid-singles conference. On the Saturday night there was a dinner and dance. Between the two there was “entertainment”. Usually providing the entertainment is tough but expected in order to segue between the two activities, but nobody is really interested in it, they just want to go from food to dance.
However, at this conference the entertainment was a video montage featuring some couples who had met and married due to mid-singles activities as well as some absolutely phenomenally written and acted satire on Mormon dating/relationship practices. My favourite, although they were all really good, was the couple walking down a trail where he had a surprise picnic waiting for her and she was trying to have the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation with him. I laughed and laughed and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since the conference. Basically her breakup conversation went something along the lines of: it’s not you, it’s me – no really, it’s you.
Really it is both parties and that line so commonly used, and which I’ve used in the relationships that I’ve been in is really the poorest excuse, and truth, to end a relationship. The last relationship I was kinda in-when it ended I told my few close friends that I would recommend that they date the guy, that it wasn’t his fault really so much as it was mine. I’ve determined that I’m out of my mind and delusional to think or say that. If a relationship didn’t work don’t fob it off on “it’s not me” or “it’s you”. Really, why didn’t it work? If I had been honest I would have communicated with the guy. I would have told him that some of the things he said made me really uncomfortable, and the head game he played with me, which in turn I used as an excuse to end the relationship, was wild and I, to this day, am still completely baffled by it. It isn’t fair if only one party knows why a relationship is ending.
How can either person in a relationship grow and change for the better if mistakes are not carefully and as charitably as possible pointed out. I’m also quick to realize that what one person sees as a lacking quality, another potential relationship may flourish around, so all things should be taken with a grain of salt and a cup of sugar. He could have just as easily told me you are stiff, cold and a prude. This would have hurt, but it would have been oh so true. If the relationship was one I wanted to foster I would have told him it is all true, but please be patient with me. I am trying. After so many years of living, working and being alone I am not yet comfortable with touch, affection, and what seem like to my “relationship passed over” self as effusive and insincere compliments
Okay, so that is the “it’s you” portion of the end of the relationship. The “it’s me” portion is way bigger. 1) everything I mentioned in the previous paragraph about my own personal faults that hinder or may bring down a relationship I need to work on, but as so many of them are in play only when I’m in a relationship it is hard to work on them outside a relationship. Hard, but not impossible. 2) I never engaged in honest communication with him when I didn’t tell him that you make me uncomfortable with your personal or suggestive comments. Family and friends tell me that men are very physical and are often quicker to show or desire physical attention than women. I on the other hand seek out affection or think about physical intimacy with a man a couple of times a decade, maybe. We really may be on two completely different levels when it comes to acceptable or expected affection, physical intimacy and comfort levels in personal or suggestive comments. 3) I never confronted him about the head game he played on me, even if he possibly did it unwittingly he left me confused and unsure. 4) He also lives really far away and it would take great physical effort on his part, but most importantly on my part to make this relationship work and hard work is-well it is hard work.
The take away from this for me is that if I/we ever think to use the “it’s not me”, or “it’s you” excuse again I/we had better hike our self right over to a mirror and really take a look inside. What is it about you or me that is stopping this relationship from progressing and is it confrontable and solvable. My guess is that most things are but likely it is just way easier to be offended or unsatisfied with an imperfect person/relationship and continue to be alone than it is to be humble, communicate from the heart and continually work to perfect a relationship.
We should ask ourselves if we truly believe that Heavenly Father wants ME to be happy in a family relationship. After being strong enough to be single, the bigger and way harder challenge is to be strong enough, selfless enough to be part of a couple and part of a family after we have spent so many years learning to compensate and find ways to be happy, healthy and satisfied with being single.
Like I said before, accepting and being part of a couple after years, decades even, is harder than being or staying single. Are we strong enough, courageous enough even, to throw away the right to say “it’s not me”, or “it’s not you” and grab hold when an opportunity arises to develop a possible celestial relationship?
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Big Fat Hippo
As in, hypocrite. Probably even with a capital "H". After reading my last entry, I realized that of all the things I spend time on, looking for a date/future spouse is by far the lowest priority. Except for maybe housework. Seriously though, if I were to make a bar graph of all that I do in a week, looking for a date would be such a small bar it would be almost invisible. So even though I may have a good attitude in terms of not being complacent in my singleness, if I only act on that attitude once in a blue moon, it's really not going to get me very far.
Which got me to thinking about Elder Oaks' talk on desire from the recent general conference. The entire talk is excellent, but I'd just like to quote (or misquote) one small part of it here.
"We should remember that righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary. They must be heartfelt, unwavering, and permanent ...
...
As important as it is to lose every desire [to remain single], eternal life requires more. To achieve our eternal destiny, we will desire and work for the qualities required to become an eternal being. "
Apparently getting a date will require more than the paltry number of positive thoughts I give the matter each month.
Which got me to thinking about Elder Oaks' talk on desire from the recent general conference. The entire talk is excellent, but I'd just like to quote (or misquote) one small part of it here.
"We should remember that righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary. They must be heartfelt, unwavering, and permanent ...
...
As important as it is to lose every desire [to remain single], eternal life requires more. To achieve our eternal destiny, we will desire and work for the qualities required to become an eternal being. "
Apparently getting a date will require more than the paltry number of positive thoughts I give the matter each month.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Attitude
I was talking to a friend after a fireside the other night, and of course the topic turned to dating, or more accurately, not dating. I'm a big fan of the idea of the single adult program as a way to meet people and hopefully get dates, but in order for the program to be successful, all (or at least most) of the participants need to have the right attitude.
I believe that those who attend activities with an open mind, looking to meet new people and develop new relationships, have a much greater chance of actually entering into a relationship. However, these chances are diminished by those who attend the activities with a different attitude, like the activities are some sort of support group. "Hi, my name is Fran, and I'm single". Only unlike AA, or other programs where the point is to overcome the issue that brought you to the meeting, the "singles support group" often seems to be used as a validation of one's single status rather than an attempt to change that status. If there are so many other single people around, it must not be bad thing, right? Right, in a way. There's nothing wrong with being single, as long as you're not avoiding any possibility of changing that status, or worse, actively trying to maintain it.
Now, there may be some women who try to validate their single status, but I've mostly seen it in men, who often seem content to make lots of female friends without ever trying to take any of those relationships to the next level. When you stop trying to meet new people and stop wondering what a relationship with them would be like, when you cease all efforts to get a date, or to make someone want to date you, I think there's a problem. We should always be trying to progress spiritually, and since marriage is part of that spiritual progression, I think that to stop trying for it would likely have some sort of impact on the rest of your spiritual progression. Now, I may rethink this as I get older, but until then, my plan is to keep following the program and eventually graduate to the next level. If I try long enough and hard enough, I may just get it right.
I believe that those who attend activities with an open mind, looking to meet new people and develop new relationships, have a much greater chance of actually entering into a relationship. However, these chances are diminished by those who attend the activities with a different attitude, like the activities are some sort of support group. "Hi, my name is Fran, and I'm single". Only unlike AA, or other programs where the point is to overcome the issue that brought you to the meeting, the "singles support group" often seems to be used as a validation of one's single status rather than an attempt to change that status. If there are so many other single people around, it must not be bad thing, right? Right, in a way. There's nothing wrong with being single, as long as you're not avoiding any possibility of changing that status, or worse, actively trying to maintain it.
Now, there may be some women who try to validate their single status, but I've mostly seen it in men, who often seem content to make lots of female friends without ever trying to take any of those relationships to the next level. When you stop trying to meet new people and stop wondering what a relationship with them would be like, when you cease all efforts to get a date, or to make someone want to date you, I think there's a problem. We should always be trying to progress spiritually, and since marriage is part of that spiritual progression, I think that to stop trying for it would likely have some sort of impact on the rest of your spiritual progression. Now, I may rethink this as I get older, but until then, my plan is to keep following the program and eventually graduate to the next level. If I try long enough and hard enough, I may just get it right.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
No Respecter of Persons
I went to a single adult fireside tonight and some of the comments got me thinking. In one of my earlier posts I talked about similarities and differences, and how nice it would be if married people viewed us as individuals with the same eternal goals. Tonight someone commented that they originally felt excluded in their family ward, until they started making the effort to treat married people as individuals. At that point, they returned the favour and started treating her as an individual.
Another sister made the comment that really started me thinking. In what I'm sure is a gross misquote, she said that we bring this separation between single and married on ourselves. In a lot of ways it's true. Think about all of the labels we apply in the church without even thinking about it - young single adult, mid single, single adult, young married, and even the term "family ward". While "family ward" is a very appropriate term, since we all belong to the family of Christ, that is likely not what people are thinking when they use that term. They are probably thinking "family ward" as in "ward full of married people with children". Whatever the label, the effect is often to divide, rather than to unite.
Thinking about all of these labels in turn got me thinking about some scriptures. There are multiple references throughout the scriptures reminding us that the Lord is no respecter of persons.
In 2 Nephi 26:33 we are taught that "he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile." I expect that we could easily add "single and married" to this list.
This same concept is repeated earlier in the same chapter, in verse 28.
"Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden."
But one of my favourite ways this concept is expressed is in 4 Nephi. As you will recall, this chapter describes life after the resurrected Saviour has visited the people in the Americas. All who heard his word,whether by His mouth or by the mouth of others, were converted. This is how they describe their society at that point.
17There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God.
And so I invite you to join me in removing the modern day "ites" from our vocabulary. Stop focusing on the labels, and focus instead on being "in one".
Another sister made the comment that really started me thinking. In what I'm sure is a gross misquote, she said that we bring this separation between single and married on ourselves. In a lot of ways it's true. Think about all of the labels we apply in the church without even thinking about it - young single adult, mid single, single adult, young married, and even the term "family ward". While "family ward" is a very appropriate term, since we all belong to the family of Christ, that is likely not what people are thinking when they use that term. They are probably thinking "family ward" as in "ward full of married people with children". Whatever the label, the effect is often to divide, rather than to unite.
Thinking about all of these labels in turn got me thinking about some scriptures. There are multiple references throughout the scriptures reminding us that the Lord is no respecter of persons.
In 2 Nephi 26:33 we are taught that "he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile." I expect that we could easily add "single and married" to this list.
This same concept is repeated earlier in the same chapter, in verse 28.
"Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden."
But one of my favourite ways this concept is expressed is in 4 Nephi. As you will recall, this chapter describes life after the resurrected Saviour has visited the people in the Americas. All who heard his word,whether by His mouth or by the mouth of others, were converted. This is how they describe their society at that point.
17There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God.
And so I invite you to join me in removing the modern day "ites" from our vocabulary. Stop focusing on the labels, and focus instead on being "in one".
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Why me?
When I was younger, one of my sisters and I used to have a list of reasons why we didn't date, mostly made up of what we thought boys might see as personality flaws or physical flaws. As the years have passed, I've either forgotten or blocked out whatever was on that list, although if you asked my sister I'm sure she could come up with a few reasons why I'm not dating.
I know a number of single people who seem to focus on that point - why am I still single? While I recognize that it is an issue that should not be ignored, since there may be something simple (like actually talking to boys?) that could greatly increase my chances for marriage, I prefer not to make it my exclusive focus. When I do ask myself the question, why am I still single, there is a ready answer. Statistically speaking, someone's got to be single. Looking at the microcosm that is my family, I believe that I was chosen to still be single because, of the three girls in my family, I am best able to handle my single status without becoming bitter, depressed, or disillusioned.
My sisters both married a little bit later than they had planned, but they did end up with husbands and then children, and they now have their own challenges. If being single is my challenge, then I see it as another piece of evidence that God knows me personally, as this challenge is one I can easily deal with. In fact, it took me a long time before I realized that it might actually be a challenge. (Yes, this could be one of the reasons why I'm not married.) But even for people who are a bit quicker than I am and realized early on that being single can be a challenge, instead of asking, why me, try asking, why not me? See your single state as a sign that God not only know you, but that He trusts you, and has given you sufficient strength of character so you can deal with life's other challenges without the support of a spouse. And expect that once you've passed the test of being single, God will have saved you some pretty amazing man for you to spend eternity with.
I know a number of single people who seem to focus on that point - why am I still single? While I recognize that it is an issue that should not be ignored, since there may be something simple (like actually talking to boys?) that could greatly increase my chances for marriage, I prefer not to make it my exclusive focus. When I do ask myself the question, why am I still single, there is a ready answer. Statistically speaking, someone's got to be single. Looking at the microcosm that is my family, I believe that I was chosen to still be single because, of the three girls in my family, I am best able to handle my single status without becoming bitter, depressed, or disillusioned.
My sisters both married a little bit later than they had planned, but they did end up with husbands and then children, and they now have their own challenges. If being single is my challenge, then I see it as another piece of evidence that God knows me personally, as this challenge is one I can easily deal with. In fact, it took me a long time before I realized that it might actually be a challenge. (Yes, this could be one of the reasons why I'm not married.) But even for people who are a bit quicker than I am and realized early on that being single can be a challenge, instead of asking, why me, try asking, why not me? See your single state as a sign that God not only know you, but that He trusts you, and has given you sufficient strength of character so you can deal with life's other challenges without the support of a spouse. And expect that once you've passed the test of being single, God will have saved you some pretty amazing man for you to spend eternity with.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
You are loved
I had a bit of a pity party this past weekend - sorry, I didn't invite any of you. But if I had, it would have ruined the party, since it was all about feeling alone. I was thinking about some heavy things, and then got a heavy calling, and really wanted someone there to support me, or to talk to, or even just to laugh at me and tell me to suck it up. (Thanks to my good friend DB for eventually telling me just that.) Now, I am familiar with the concept of prayer. I understand quite well that I can talk to Heavenly Father about anything and everything, and believe me, I talked to Him many times this weekend. I also know from numerous personal experiences that He will always support me in my righteous choices. But even with all of that, sometimes I think it would just be nice to have a physical body in front of me when I'm talking, and to be able to physically lean on someone.
I'm sure there were several people around who would have been glad to listen to me or put their arm around me if I had just asked. But in my pity party, I didn't want to ask, I wanted someone to volunteer.
After a rather pathetic round of "who can whine the loudest" (I guess I won, since I was the only one playing), I kicked myself out of the pity party, and was immediately reminded that I am loved. Not just liked, but loved, and loved perfectly. By someone who knows everything about me, and loves me anyway. By someone who sees more good in me than I see in myself. By someone who will always love me, no matter how many dumb things I do. By someone who loves each one of you just as much, because He created us. To feel of His love is a very heady thing, and one that I wish for all of you.
I'm sure there were several people around who would have been glad to listen to me or put their arm around me if I had just asked. But in my pity party, I didn't want to ask, I wanted someone to volunteer.
After a rather pathetic round of "who can whine the loudest" (I guess I won, since I was the only one playing), I kicked myself out of the pity party, and was immediately reminded that I am loved. Not just liked, but loved, and loved perfectly. By someone who knows everything about me, and loves me anyway. By someone who sees more good in me than I see in myself. By someone who will always love me, no matter how many dumb things I do. By someone who loves each one of you just as much, because He created us. To feel of His love is a very heady thing, and one that I wish for all of you.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Shopping vs. Shopping
Last weekend I took myself to an outlet mall to shop for clothes, this weekend I attended a single adult conference to "shop for men". You'd think that my weekend of clothes shopping might prep me for a weekend of man shopping. Although the two forms of shopping are based on some of the same basic principles, man shopping requires some skills you just can't develop while shopping for clothes.
When I go outlet shopping, I generally have a list of what I'm looking for. Kind of like The List, it contains very broad terms - work clothes that don't require ironing or dry cleaning, shoes that look good but don't hurt my feet - I don't decide specific details until I've had a chance to check out what's available. Once I've found something that fits the basic criteria, I get to try it on and see how it looks. Because there are no outlet malls close to where I live, when I go outlet shopping, I'm not planning on doing any returns. This no-return principle also applies to man shopping.
Just like there are all shapes, sizes and styles of clothes, there are all shapes, sizes and styles of men. When shopping for clothes, you find a style you like, go through until you find a size you think you will fit, then take it to the dressing room and try it on. If it fits and makes you look good, you buy it. This theory is readily transferable to man shopping, since most of us are looking for a man who makes us look good, or in other words, brings out the best in us. But unlike at a clothing store, you can't just sort through a stack of men, find a few you like, and take them to the dressing room (i.e., go on a date) to check for fit.
After you've sorted through the men, the wonderful principle of agency that allows you to pick the ones you like also prevents you from simply putting them in a cart and taking them to the dressing room. Instead, you have to make them want to go to the dressing room with you. So how do you do this? Once we get past the initial "look hot, but not so hot he thinks you're too good for him", I think we can fall back on some basic missionary tools. After you have built a relationship of trust, then you need to help him feel and recognize the attraction, then follow up. Once you've done this (using Brother Barton's three steps of Animation, Closeness and Touch helps), then in theory the man in question will choose to go to the dressing room with you, and you can decide whether or not to make the final purchase, or return him to the stack and try on another one. Just beware that, while you're man shopping, he's also woman shopping, which can complicate your attempts to BRT.
When I go outlet shopping, I generally have a list of what I'm looking for. Kind of like The List, it contains very broad terms - work clothes that don't require ironing or dry cleaning, shoes that look good but don't hurt my feet - I don't decide specific details until I've had a chance to check out what's available. Once I've found something that fits the basic criteria, I get to try it on and see how it looks. Because there are no outlet malls close to where I live, when I go outlet shopping, I'm not planning on doing any returns. This no-return principle also applies to man shopping.
Just like there are all shapes, sizes and styles of clothes, there are all shapes, sizes and styles of men. When shopping for clothes, you find a style you like, go through until you find a size you think you will fit, then take it to the dressing room and try it on. If it fits and makes you look good, you buy it. This theory is readily transferable to man shopping, since most of us are looking for a man who makes us look good, or in other words, brings out the best in us. But unlike at a clothing store, you can't just sort through a stack of men, find a few you like, and take them to the dressing room (i.e., go on a date) to check for fit.
After you've sorted through the men, the wonderful principle of agency that allows you to pick the ones you like also prevents you from simply putting them in a cart and taking them to the dressing room. Instead, you have to make them want to go to the dressing room with you. So how do you do this? Once we get past the initial "look hot, but not so hot he thinks you're too good for him", I think we can fall back on some basic missionary tools. After you have built a relationship of trust, then you need to help him feel and recognize the attraction, then follow up. Once you've done this (using Brother Barton's three steps of Animation, Closeness and Touch helps), then in theory the man in question will choose to go to the dressing room with you, and you can decide whether or not to make the final purchase, or return him to the stack and try on another one. Just beware that, while you're man shopping, he's also woman shopping, which can complicate your attempts to BRT.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Burst my bubble
I generally try to focus on the benefits of being single because frankly, I'd rather be happy than not. But last night at our Relief Society meeting, one of the drawbacks of being single became glaringly obvious. We were talking about being organized, and the speaker suggested that one way to get more done is to delegate work to those in your family, like having your kids clean the bathroom or dust or whatever. I was crushed to realize that I have no one to delegate things to! Given my recent post on wanting someone to help carry in the groceries, maybe this is something I should have figured out long ago. I guess I always just thought of it as not having someone to help out with things. Maybe it's more like what my sister does in her family - she does the "pink" jobs (her term, not mine), and delegates all the "blue" jobs to her husband. Now that I know what I'm missing, I may have to start a list of things that I want to delegate to my husband, wherever he is.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Perspective
As I came home from the grocery store the other day and was trying to lug in all of my groceries, I suddenly felt very tired of being alone. Now, I generally try not to think about things like this, and I'm chalking this feeling up to the fact that I just wanted someone else to carry the groceries for me (they were particularly heavy that day). But then I started to think about it a bit more.
Accepting that the Lord's promise is true, that all righteous people will have the opportunity to be married in the next life so they can achieve the highest degree of glory, then really, this life is the only time out of all eternity that we have to be single. So instead of complaining about it, I should just continue to carry in my own groceries, enjoy it and give thanks for this extended time to be alone, to figure myself out, to learn about the plan of salvation, and to strengthen my relationship with my Saviour. And whenever the time comes for me to exchange the blessing of being single for the blessing of being married, I'm sure I will enjoy that as well.
Accepting that the Lord's promise is true, that all righteous people will have the opportunity to be married in the next life so they can achieve the highest degree of glory, then really, this life is the only time out of all eternity that we have to be single. So instead of complaining about it, I should just continue to carry in my own groceries, enjoy it and give thanks for this extended time to be alone, to figure myself out, to learn about the plan of salvation, and to strengthen my relationship with my Saviour. And whenever the time comes for me to exchange the blessing of being single for the blessing of being married, I'm sure I will enjoy that as well.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Things that make you go hmmmm
I think we've all heard it somewhere - if we don't find a husband in this life, as long as we live righteously, no blessings will be denied us, meaning we will have the opportunity to be married in the next life. For the most part, this knowledge give me hope. But the other day I had the random thought - if we don't get married here, are we going to have to go through the whole dating scene again? I've got to tell you, that sort of scares me. I mean really, look at the caliber of LDS women currently on the dating scene - it's pretty amazing. So I can just imagine that the caliber of women in the celestial dating pool will be even better, meaning it will be even harder to stand out.
On the other hand, everyone in that dating pool would be celestial material, and motivated to get married, so it might not be so bad after all. But still, I'd rather avoid it if at all possible, so I'll just put a little more effort into my current dating efforts.
On the other hand, everyone in that dating pool would be celestial material, and motivated to get married, so it might not be so bad after all. But still, I'd rather avoid it if at all possible, so I'll just put a little more effort into my current dating efforts.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Mother in you
One of my friends recently had an experience that I thought was appropriate to share on this Mothers' Day. The following is in her own words, with permission.
"My visiting teachers came over last night. A comment was made that still has me thinking.
"Basically one of my vt'ers was talking about being pregnant and creating life and the miracle of that and then having them and teaching and nuturing them and I'm sorry if this doesn't interest you because you aren't a mom and haven't had children.
"I stopped her and said, "but I am a mother, I've never had a child of my own but I nuture and teach and mother other children, my siblings children and the youth through the church."
"She backed off and was worried that she had offended me. I wasn't offended, I was just shocked that anyone would consider me less because I haven't had a child of my own. I am not to be pitied because I'm single and don't have children, just like every other sister in the world, I'm to be included and loved because I am a daughter of god. No more than you, no less than you."
And now it's back to me again. I'm thrilled that my friend recognizes that her ability to fulfill her divine role as a nurturer does not depend on her marital status or whether she has borne or is raising children.
For more on this topic, check out Sister Dew's talk "Are we not all mothers?" from October 2001 General Conference.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Hope springs eternal
As I get older, I occasionally feel like my chances of getting married and having kids are drying up. The last time I had such a thought was right around the time we were studying Luke 1 in Sunday school, which is where Zacharias and Elizabeth discover that they are going to have a baby, even though they were "both well stricken in years". Of course, during class discussion we also talked about Sarah, who had Isaac after being well stricken in years. Reading about these two women, about the important missions that they had to fulfill, and about the way their missions were fulfilled in the Lord's time, was the perfect reminder that I need to quit worrying about worldly timing restrictions, and "trust in the Lord with all my heart" (Proverbs 3:5). I need to remember that He has an eternal perspective, and if I can let go of my own limited perspective, He will help me to see with my spiritual eyes and to understand His plan for me. And if I can do that, then I will always have hope.
If you're interested in learning more about Sarah, or about other women who trusted in the Lord, you might want to try Camilla Fronk Olson's book, "Women of the Old Testament."
If you're interested in learning more about Sarah, or about other women who trusted in the Lord, you might want to try Camilla Fronk Olson's book, "Women of the Old Testament."
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Where the boys are
One year my friend got me a book entitled “An LDS Woman’s Guide to Getting a Date”, by Dr. Brent Barlow. In it, Dr. Barlow presents some very useful tips for getting males to ask you out. However, the book appears to be geared towards students at BYU, or people living in some other utopia where the single men are plentiful, as there is nothing in the book on where to find men on whom you can practice these useful tips (more on the tips in a future post).
So I've put together my own theories on where the men are - now in these theories, "men" refers to people who meet the criteria on The List. Unfortunately, most of my theories actually relate to where the men are not; as in, they are not at the single adult activities where I used to live. Not that there were no single men in that town, even single, active LDS men. They just generally didn't attend activities. I'll leave the question of why they didn't attend for someone else to figure out. Single men are also generally not in the temple sessions I attend, although I keep hoping that one day I'll attend and there HE will be, just waiting for me (yes, I know, that's really hoping for the easy way out, where I don't actually have to apply any of Dr. Barlow's tips).
Single men are rarely at my workplace, and rarely in my ward (although there are apparently a lot of them on my ward list). Single men do not work at my car repair shop, they do not wait for the bus with me, they don't even ride the elevator with me (yes, I often check).
So where are the men? We've all heard the rumours that they're in Alaska. I've never been there to follow up on this rumour, but I met some ladies from Alaska at a singles event, and they were having trouble finding men there. I've come up with a few places where you really can find men. The first, and my favourite, is China. The combination of their one child policy and their cultural priority placed on male children has resulted in a skewed male female ratio. I read an article the other day about a man in China who went on over a hundred dates, and none of the women would have anything further to do with him, because they could afford to be picky and hold out for someone 'better'. Some other places you can find a very high male : female ratio are in jails and homeless shelters. The question then arises - do you really want a man you might find in those places?
So I've put together my own theories on where the men are - now in these theories, "men" refers to people who meet the criteria on The List. Unfortunately, most of my theories actually relate to where the men are not; as in, they are not at the single adult activities where I used to live. Not that there were no single men in that town, even single, active LDS men. They just generally didn't attend activities. I'll leave the question of why they didn't attend for someone else to figure out. Single men are also generally not in the temple sessions I attend, although I keep hoping that one day I'll attend and there HE will be, just waiting for me (yes, I know, that's really hoping for the easy way out, where I don't actually have to apply any of Dr. Barlow's tips).
Single men are rarely at my workplace, and rarely in my ward (although there are apparently a lot of them on my ward list). Single men do not work at my car repair shop, they do not wait for the bus with me, they don't even ride the elevator with me (yes, I often check).
So where are the men? We've all heard the rumours that they're in Alaska. I've never been there to follow up on this rumour, but I met some ladies from Alaska at a singles event, and they were having trouble finding men there. I've come up with a few places where you really can find men. The first, and my favourite, is China. The combination of their one child policy and their cultural priority placed on male children has resulted in a skewed male female ratio. I read an article the other day about a man in China who went on over a hundred dates, and none of the women would have anything further to do with him, because they could afford to be picky and hold out for someone 'better'. Some other places you can find a very high male : female ratio are in jails and homeless shelters. The question then arises - do you really want a man you might find in those places?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Working the room
A few years ago I attended a marketing seminar through my work, put on by networking consultant and marketing coach, Mark Maraia. The purpose of the seminar was to get us excited about, and therefore actively doing, marketing. Now, I will hand it to Mark, he does a very interesting presentation, and it did get me excited. But not about marketing. Instead, as Mark gave his speech, I thought about how everything he was saying applied to dating.
Mark has written a couple of books about networking. If you're interested in marketing, or dating, I'd suggest reading them. They are well written, with fairly short chapters that get right to the point and give examples on how to hone and focus your networking efforts. As an example of how the precepts he teaches might apply to dating, here are a few of the chapter titles from his book, "Rainmaking Made Simple", with a few strategic word replacements.
Mark also has a chapter called 'Conferencing with a purpose'. He suggests that you will get a lot more out of a conference if you set goals for yourself before you go. So I applied this principle and set a goal for myself at the last singles conference I attended - meet a male and develop a relationship to the point that we exchange contact information. Well, having that goal gave me a purpose and direction. I selected a couple of potential targets (is it bad to refer to potential dates as targets?), and set to work. I accomplished my goal, only to realize that I need to be more specific next time, and try to exchange contact information with someone I'm actually interested in. Apparently I need more practice in applying the Maraia principles.
Wondering where you can go to work the room? Check out this site for a list of LDS single adult conferences. http://theldssinglessite.com/sa_usa_sc.html
Mark's biggest focus is that we need to reframe marketing into networking. Marketing is not about getting work now, it is about building relationships so we can get referrals and have ongoing work. Translate that into dating. It is not about getting that one date tonight, it is about building relationships so we can get referrals and have dates over time.
Mark has written a couple of books about networking. If you're interested in marketing, or dating, I'd suggest reading them. They are well written, with fairly short chapters that get right to the point and give examples on how to hone and focus your networking efforts. As an example of how the precepts he teaches might apply to dating, here are a few of the chapter titles from his book, "Rainmaking Made Simple", with a few strategic word replacements.
- Your attitude is everything: How can I change my attitude toward dating?
- Learning from rejection
- Living your priorities: how do I make dating a priority?
- Keeping dates satisfied: How do I keep dates coming back for more?
- Generating referrals
- Avoid random acts of lunch: How can I avoid wasting my dating effort in random, unplanned dates?
- The myth of asking for the date: Do I have to ask for the date right away?
- Networking during social events
- Getting in front of the right audience
Mark also has a chapter called 'Conferencing with a purpose'. He suggests that you will get a lot more out of a conference if you set goals for yourself before you go. So I applied this principle and set a goal for myself at the last singles conference I attended - meet a male and develop a relationship to the point that we exchange contact information. Well, having that goal gave me a purpose and direction. I selected a couple of potential targets (is it bad to refer to potential dates as targets?), and set to work. I accomplished my goal, only to realize that I need to be more specific next time, and try to exchange contact information with someone I'm actually interested in. Apparently I need more practice in applying the Maraia principles.
Wondering where you can go to work the room? Check out this site for a list of LDS single adult conferences. http://theldssinglessite.com/sa_usa_sc.html
Monday, April 11, 2011
It takes two
As stated in The Family: a Proclamation to the World, there are two essential elements to any marriage: a man, and a woman. Well, I've got one part for sure, the problem is finding the second part. I'm a little bit slow at this part. (No comments from the peanut gallery please about whether I might be slow in other areas as well.) It took me a long time to realize that I was spending about 98% of my time with women and/or married men. While I enjoy the company of both those groups, neither of them include prospects for the second ingredient of my marriage recipe. And the 2% of my time where I was actually around single men, they were mostly around the same vintage as my dad. I love my dad, but I'd prefer not to marry someone that old. (On the other side of the coin, I'd prefer not to marry someone young enough to be my son.)
I have now resolved to change my ways. I decided to volunteer on the planning committee for my regional single adult conference, thinking that would be a good way to meet people. And it has been - I've met at least 10 new women, and exactly 2 new men. Hmmm, does that male/female ratio seem familiar to any of you? It's a good thing that was not my only strategy for change. Instead of playing my team sports in women's leagues, I have joined a co-ed league. I will also be trying activities that are not gender specific, or that actually require people of both genders (ball-room dancing anyone?). While recognizing that not all of the males in these activities will necessarily be single, the benefits of this change of direction should be manifold. Firstly, it will increase the number of single men in my acquaintance. It will also increase the amount of time I spend in the company of single men. I will be able to dust of my "interacting with males" social skills that have been sitting on a shelf in the closet for far too long. And I will be able to watch and learn from the other single women involved as they flirt with whatever single men are there.
I'm not anticipating that any of the men I meet at these activities will be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which may lead some of you to wonder how this change of direction fits with my earlier statement regarding dating/marrying non-members. It's all about networking - more on that in a future post.
I have now resolved to change my ways. I decided to volunteer on the planning committee for my regional single adult conference, thinking that would be a good way to meet people. And it has been - I've met at least 10 new women, and exactly 2 new men. Hmmm, does that male/female ratio seem familiar to any of you? It's a good thing that was not my only strategy for change. Instead of playing my team sports in women's leagues, I have joined a co-ed league. I will also be trying activities that are not gender specific, or that actually require people of both genders (ball-room dancing anyone?). While recognizing that not all of the males in these activities will necessarily be single, the benefits of this change of direction should be manifold. Firstly, it will increase the number of single men in my acquaintance. It will also increase the amount of time I spend in the company of single men. I will be able to dust of my "interacting with males" social skills that have been sitting on a shelf in the closet for far too long. And I will be able to watch and learn from the other single women involved as they flirt with whatever single men are there.
I'm not anticipating that any of the men I meet at these activities will be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which may lead some of you to wonder how this change of direction fits with my earlier statement regarding dating/marrying non-members. It's all about networking - more on that in a future post.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
One of these things is not like the others ...
I recently heard a friend, who attends a family ward, describing her feelings about her ward. Although the members were good people, she felt very excluded, as no one had reached out to her to invite her to dinner or parties or other small group activities. She felt that this lack of friendship was a direct result of her single status.
I can empathize with her. I have attended a variety of family wards. I have enjoyed each one of them, and have learned many important things from my fellow ward members. But I have also often been excluded from social gatherings organized by married people. I have come up with two main reasons why this might occur (I'm sure there are many others); either the party planner would feel uncomfortable having a single person at their married people party, or the party planner thinks the single person would feel uncomfortable attending a married people party. If it's the first reason, I would ask the party planner to think about why they feel uncomfortable - being single is not catching, being around couples will not make me break down and cry, I'm not looking to steal anyone's husband, and it is definitely possible to play games or do activities that don't require an even number of people. (I admit here that I'm very glad to be left off the invitation list for some of the "newlywed" parties my sister and her husband have attended. I'm sure we all would have felt rather uncomfortable if I, or any other single person, had been in attendance.) If it is the second reason, thank you party planner for thinking of my tender feelings, but your concern is misplaced. On the few occasions I have been invited to activities attended mainly by married couples, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself, and when married people attend my parties, we always have a good time together.
Most of my party invitation lists include a mix of married and single people, because that's who I know and who I enjoy spending time with. When I'm not partying, which, admittedly, is most of the time, I am surrounded by a mix of single people and married people, and we all manage to get along just fine. And not only do we manage, we actually help each other. Can you imagine only being around people who were in the same situation or stage of life as you? How would you learn how to get through that situation when none of your compatriots had accomplished it? Who would you pass on your own advice to? By spending time with different types of people, we can learn from each other and increase our understanding of others and our ability to feel and show compassion. Also, if you hang around married people, they might have some thoughts or advice that would help you get closer to marriage. While most of you reading this probably already realize this, it seems that when some people get married, they forget this basic principle.
So it was with pleasure that I read the article Similarities and Differences in the February Ensign. The author very simply and very clearly points out that the similarities between sisters far outweigh any differences resulting from our marital status. As both single and married people remember this, we will be able to enrich each other's lives and help each other progress.
I can empathize with her. I have attended a variety of family wards. I have enjoyed each one of them, and have learned many important things from my fellow ward members. But I have also often been excluded from social gatherings organized by married people. I have come up with two main reasons why this might occur (I'm sure there are many others); either the party planner would feel uncomfortable having a single person at their married people party, or the party planner thinks the single person would feel uncomfortable attending a married people party. If it's the first reason, I would ask the party planner to think about why they feel uncomfortable - being single is not catching, being around couples will not make me break down and cry, I'm not looking to steal anyone's husband, and it is definitely possible to play games or do activities that don't require an even number of people. (I admit here that I'm very glad to be left off the invitation list for some of the "newlywed" parties my sister and her husband have attended. I'm sure we all would have felt rather uncomfortable if I, or any other single person, had been in attendance.) If it is the second reason, thank you party planner for thinking of my tender feelings, but your concern is misplaced. On the few occasions I have been invited to activities attended mainly by married couples, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself, and when married people attend my parties, we always have a good time together.
Most of my party invitation lists include a mix of married and single people, because that's who I know and who I enjoy spending time with. When I'm not partying, which, admittedly, is most of the time, I am surrounded by a mix of single people and married people, and we all manage to get along just fine. And not only do we manage, we actually help each other. Can you imagine only being around people who were in the same situation or stage of life as you? How would you learn how to get through that situation when none of your compatriots had accomplished it? Who would you pass on your own advice to? By spending time with different types of people, we can learn from each other and increase our understanding of others and our ability to feel and show compassion. Also, if you hang around married people, they might have some thoughts or advice that would help you get closer to marriage. While most of you reading this probably already realize this, it seems that when some people get married, they forget this basic principle.
So it was with pleasure that I read the article Similarities and Differences in the February Ensign. The author very simply and very clearly points out that the similarities between sisters far outweigh any differences resulting from our marital status. As both single and married people remember this, we will be able to enrich each other's lives and help each other progress.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
To date or not to date... a non-member
That is the question. Or at least it might be if I knew any single men who were non-members. (I'm not counting the few at work, since passing in the halls once a week doesn't really put us anywhere near 'potential date' stage.)
I know a number of women who have answered yes to this question and decided to look outside the church when their dating prospects within the church have not amounted to anything. It's like they have asked themselves the question "is it better to be married to a non-member than to be single", and have answered "yes". I have some good friends who have chosen to marry non-members; some of these friends are still active in the church, and some of them are not. I figure that the difference in religious beliefs will simply add to the existing challenges that come with any marriage.
Sometimes when I think about this question, I think "why not? there are plenty of good men outside the church." But then I think about it on a deeper level. What do I really want, what is my ultimate goal in life? It is an eternal one. I don't want just an ordinary family, I want an eternal family. The thought of having a family for mortality, of loving them completely, then not being with them for the rest of eternity, is heartbreaking to me.
As my mother told me many, many times, you marry who you date. So if you date non-members, you will probably end up married to one. And the likelihood of marrying a non-member in the temple is pretty low. Well, really, it's impossible to marry a non-member in the temple. But you could date a non-member, they convert, and then you marry them in the temple - this is what I believe is less likely. I know it happens, but is it something I'm willing to take a chance on?
Going back to The List. If a man has faith in Christ (and of course, I'm assuming here that faith without works is dead), then that could be enough, at least for a date. Since it's just for a date, as long as he's got faith in Christ and has strong moral standards, you can expect that he will treat you with respect and not try anything inappropriate, which would be one of my concerns about going on a date with a non-member. Also, if he has faith in Christ, there is clearly the possibility that he would eventually come to believe the true gospel of Jesus Christ. Or as a man in my ward described it, to go from something true to something truer. Which means that you could be the one to introduce him to the gospel.
But there's always the risk that he won't accept it. Or that you'll be old and gray before he does. Every time I've had a financial risk assessment, I always place in the risk averse category. For the most part, this carries over to my dating and relationship thoughts as well. But even with the risk involved, I can't categorically answer no to this question. Do I want to date non-members? No. But I recognize that God's vision is limitless, and mine is not, that He can see the hearts of men much better than I can. So if an opportunity came along to go on a date with a non-member, I think I'd say yes. But I'd have to think very hard before going on a second date.
I know a number of women who have answered yes to this question and decided to look outside the church when their dating prospects within the church have not amounted to anything. It's like they have asked themselves the question "is it better to be married to a non-member than to be single", and have answered "yes". I have some good friends who have chosen to marry non-members; some of these friends are still active in the church, and some of them are not. I figure that the difference in religious beliefs will simply add to the existing challenges that come with any marriage.
Sometimes when I think about this question, I think "why not? there are plenty of good men outside the church." But then I think about it on a deeper level. What do I really want, what is my ultimate goal in life? It is an eternal one. I don't want just an ordinary family, I want an eternal family. The thought of having a family for mortality, of loving them completely, then not being with them for the rest of eternity, is heartbreaking to me.
As my mother told me many, many times, you marry who you date. So if you date non-members, you will probably end up married to one. And the likelihood of marrying a non-member in the temple is pretty low. Well, really, it's impossible to marry a non-member in the temple. But you could date a non-member, they convert, and then you marry them in the temple - this is what I believe is less likely. I know it happens, but is it something I'm willing to take a chance on?
Going back to The List. If a man has faith in Christ (and of course, I'm assuming here that faith without works is dead), then that could be enough, at least for a date. Since it's just for a date, as long as he's got faith in Christ and has strong moral standards, you can expect that he will treat you with respect and not try anything inappropriate, which would be one of my concerns about going on a date with a non-member. Also, if he has faith in Christ, there is clearly the possibility that he would eventually come to believe the true gospel of Jesus Christ. Or as a man in my ward described it, to go from something true to something truer. Which means that you could be the one to introduce him to the gospel.
But there's always the risk that he won't accept it. Or that you'll be old and gray before he does. Every time I've had a financial risk assessment, I always place in the risk averse category. For the most part, this carries over to my dating and relationship thoughts as well. But even with the risk involved, I can't categorically answer no to this question. Do I want to date non-members? No. But I recognize that God's vision is limitless, and mine is not, that He can see the hearts of men much better than I can. So if an opportunity came along to go on a date with a non-member, I think I'd say yes. But I'd have to think very hard before going on a second date.
Monday, March 14, 2011
I am more than my job
I've been to various singles conferences before, and most of them have had some sort of speed dating activity. Which, in a slightly twisted way, brings some of the most entertaining moments of the conference. When you only have a few minutes to get to know someone, most people start with the basic questions, one of which is "what do you do for work?" The majority of my speed dating experiences have ended rather abruptly, with the guy sitting stupefied on his chair, at a loss once he hears that I'm well educated and have a professional job. I find this phenomenon very interesting - obviously it is not a universal reaction, since I've dated men who didn't care about my job, many of whom did not have professional jobs.
So what is it about a woman with a professional job that men find so disconcerting? Steve Harvey, in his book "Straight Talk, no chaser: How to find, keep and understand a man" (yes, I've been doing research), says that men are not intimidated by women with good careers. Given my speed dating experiences, I was sceptical of this statement at first, but as I continued to read, what he said made sense. According to Steve, men are looking for women who need them. While we don't have to need men for everything, if we appear not to need them for anything, they will not be interested in us. And somehow men seem to translate 'stable professional woman' into 'woman who doesn't need me'.
A logical conclusion? Perhaps. But one often reached much to quickly. Especially in speed dating - when you've only talked for two minutes how can you tell whether someone has needs? And let's be realistic. God put people on the earth - not one person, but people. We all need someone for something, even if it's just to get something down from the top shelf (although realistically we need people for much more than that).
Steve's statement helped me make sense of an earlier experience, where I was having dinner with three single women, all in good stable jobs, and the brother of one of the women. He made a comment that has stuck with me, something along the lines of "no wonder you girls are not married - you don't need anyone." At the time I thought his comment was silly. Of course we had learned to do things ourselves; as a single person, whether male or female, you learn to do something or you do without. But being able to do things for yourself doesn't mean you don't need someone. How often have you wished you had someone to talk over a decision with? How often have you wanted someone to be there when you get home, or someone to come home to you? Someone to cook dinner for? (Cooking for one seems like such a waste.) Someone to hold your hand, tell you they love you, tell you when you're being ridiculous, or when you did something well? And even with physical jobs, there are lots of jobs I put off or avoid completely because I know I can't do it myself, or in some cases just don't want to. (Which is why, when my dad came to visit me recently, I had a nice list of household handyman tasks for him to do - thanks dad!)
So that raises the question; how do you express your neediness? Right there you have a bit of a problem - who wants to appear "needy"? I certainly don't want a needy companion, and I don't want to be one. So the goal is to somehow express that having a specific man would make my life easier and better. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to do that at the getting to know you phase of a relationship, which is when it is apparently required in order to ensure that the relationship progresses to the next stage. Apparently more research is required. Maybe I should finish Steve's book. Or ask my friend's brother.
So what is it about a woman with a professional job that men find so disconcerting? Steve Harvey, in his book "Straight Talk, no chaser: How to find, keep and understand a man" (yes, I've been doing research), says that men are not intimidated by women with good careers. Given my speed dating experiences, I was sceptical of this statement at first, but as I continued to read, what he said made sense. According to Steve, men are looking for women who need them. While we don't have to need men for everything, if we appear not to need them for anything, they will not be interested in us. And somehow men seem to translate 'stable professional woman' into 'woman who doesn't need me'.
A logical conclusion? Perhaps. But one often reached much to quickly. Especially in speed dating - when you've only talked for two minutes how can you tell whether someone has needs? And let's be realistic. God put people on the earth - not one person, but people. We all need someone for something, even if it's just to get something down from the top shelf (although realistically we need people for much more than that).
Steve's statement helped me make sense of an earlier experience, where I was having dinner with three single women, all in good stable jobs, and the brother of one of the women. He made a comment that has stuck with me, something along the lines of "no wonder you girls are not married - you don't need anyone." At the time I thought his comment was silly. Of course we had learned to do things ourselves; as a single person, whether male or female, you learn to do something or you do without. But being able to do things for yourself doesn't mean you don't need someone. How often have you wished you had someone to talk over a decision with? How often have you wanted someone to be there when you get home, or someone to come home to you? Someone to cook dinner for? (Cooking for one seems like such a waste.) Someone to hold your hand, tell you they love you, tell you when you're being ridiculous, or when you did something well? And even with physical jobs, there are lots of jobs I put off or avoid completely because I know I can't do it myself, or in some cases just don't want to. (Which is why, when my dad came to visit me recently, I had a nice list of household handyman tasks for him to do - thanks dad!)
So that raises the question; how do you express your neediness? Right there you have a bit of a problem - who wants to appear "needy"? I certainly don't want a needy companion, and I don't want to be one. So the goal is to somehow express that having a specific man would make my life easier and better. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to do that at the getting to know you phase of a relationship, which is when it is apparently required in order to ensure that the relationship progresses to the next stage. Apparently more research is required. Maybe I should finish Steve's book. Or ask my friend's brother.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The List
When I was 13, my Sunday School teacher invited us to make a list of the things we were looking for in a future spouse. I don't remember the lesson that led to us making the list, but it must have been a pretty good one, since some of the things I really wanted, like wavy brown hair and farsightedness to counteract my own nearsightedness, didn't make the list. Here's what did make the cut:
· Smart – well educated
· Funny
· Spiritual – strong in the church
· Tall
· Athletic
· Has hair
· Slightly feminist
· Not above sharing the housework
· Ambitious
· Good with kids
· Good taste
· Nice voice
· Likes to travel
· Enjoys helping others
· Likes to ski
As I look back over the years since I wrote it, I can definitely say that I’ve never dated anyone with all of the qualities on the list. Yet somehow all the guys I've dated have still been decent human beings, and I've had enjoyable relationships with them.
Of course, as I’ve matured and clarified my priorities, some of the things I’m looking for have changed, and some of the things have dropped off, both from the written and the unwritten list. And the older I get, the more males I meet, the shorter my list gets. Right now, it looks like this:
· Living
· Male
· Single
· Good personal hygiene
· Gainfully employed/employable
· Faith in Christ
Monday, February 21, 2011
World's Longest Layover
On my way back from central Europe a few years ago I had a 24-hour layover in Paris. While waiting for my next flight, I went up the Eiffel Tower, saw Notre Dame, Sacre Coeur, the Moulin Rouge, the Champs Elysees and wandered the banks of the River Seine. I ate quiche, crepes and pain au chocolat. Basically, I had a fantastic time during my layover, and caught my next flight feeling very glad for the layover (although a little tired from running all over the place).
Single life is kind of like a layover. God's plan makes it pretty clear that being single is not the final destination, even though you generally don't know exactly when the next leg of your journey will start. So you've got a couple of choices; you can sit in the figurative airport waiting for your next flight to be called, dragging your luggage with you every time you go to the bathroom and trying to find some way to sleep on those horrible lounge chairs,being interrupted every few minutes by announcements over the p.a. system, or you can make the most of your layover, see the sights and experience everything you can about wherever you are. I can guarantee that wherever you are spending your layover, life will be way more interesting and enjoyable if you choose to leave the airport and take in the sights.
Single life is kind of like a layover. God's plan makes it pretty clear that being single is not the final destination, even though you generally don't know exactly when the next leg of your journey will start. So you've got a couple of choices; you can sit in the figurative airport waiting for your next flight to be called, dragging your luggage with you every time you go to the bathroom and trying to find some way to sleep on those horrible lounge chairs,being interrupted every few minutes by announcements over the p.a. system, or you can make the most of your layover, see the sights and experience everything you can about wherever you are. I can guarantee that wherever you are spending your layover, life will be way more interesting and enjoyable if you choose to leave the airport and take in the sights.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
What do I want?
“What do I want? I’ll tell you what I want. I want Ken Railings to walk in here right now and say ‘Pam Short’s broken both her legs and I want to dance with you!’”
So says Liz Holt in one of my favourite movies, Strictly Ballroom. And much to her surprise, she soon gets exactly what she asked for. Only to realize soon afterwards that what she thought she wanted is not all it’s cracked up to be. (Turns out Ken’s a bit of a lush.)
By the time I was 12 knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had everything planned out, from my undergraduate degree, followed by missionary work, to my graduate degree, followed by a high-paid, high profile career complete with designer shoes and expensive suits. Fast forward several years, and I am now living a slightly watered down version of the dream I had as a 12 year old. Only, much like Liz, it turns out that what I dreamed about is not all it's cracked up to be. Or, more accurately, it's a great dream, but I've changed a bit (hopefully a lot) since I was 12, and it no longer fits who I am.
So now that I'm slightly more mature than I was at 12, what do I want?
What I really want is probably fairly similar to what most people want; lasting happiness in a positive relationship with a wonderful man. I would love to be married and to have kids. Who do I want to marry, and how many kids do I want? I haven’t figured out the answer to the first one yet, and I expect the answer to the second one will be strongly influenced by discussions with whoever I do end up marrying.
And my other desires are attainable with or without spouse. I want to be healthy and physically active. I want to learn new things, to use the intellect that God has given me and figure out how the world works. I want to explore and enjoy the beauties of nature, the wonders of technology, and the many other marvels that surround me.
I also, and probably more importantly, want to be involved with others, to be a part of their lives, and to have them be a part of mine. To this end, I am trying to take advantage of the many relationships I am in by birth. Just to clarify, that is “take advantage of the relationship”, not “take advantage of the relatives”, although I’m sure my parents would say that the distinction between the two is slightly blurred. But I’ve convinced myself that they like it when I raid their fridge. In other relationships, I’m trying to maintain regular and positive communication with my siblings and their spouses, and spend time with my nieces and nephews. I’m also trying to meet new people and make sure that I spend time with others, even for activities that can just as easily be accomplished alone. I figure that by working to obtain all of these other wants, I'll become a better, more well-rounded person, and a better potential spouse.
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