I went to a single adult fireside tonight and some of the comments got me thinking. In one of my earlier posts I talked about similarities and differences, and how nice it would be if married people viewed us as individuals with the same eternal goals. Tonight someone commented that they originally felt excluded in their family ward, until they started making the effort to treat married people as individuals. At that point, they returned the favour and started treating her as an individual.
Another sister made the comment that really started me thinking. In what I'm sure is a gross misquote, she said that we bring this separation between single and married on ourselves. In a lot of ways it's true. Think about all of the labels we apply in the church without even thinking about it - young single adult, mid single, single adult, young married, and even the term "family ward". While "family ward" is a very appropriate term, since we all belong to the family of Christ, that is likely not what people are thinking when they use that term. They are probably thinking "family ward" as in "ward full of married people with children". Whatever the label, the effect is often to divide, rather than to unite.
Thinking about all of these labels in turn got me thinking about some scriptures. There are multiple references throughout the scriptures reminding us that the Lord is no respecter of persons.
In 2 Nephi 26:33 we are taught that "he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile." I expect that we could easily add "single and married" to this list.
This same concept is repeated earlier in the same chapter, in verse 28.
"Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden."
But one of my favourite ways this concept is expressed is in 4 Nephi. As you will recall, this chapter describes life after the resurrected Saviour has visited the people in the Americas. All who heard his word,whether by His mouth or by the mouth of others, were converted. This is how they describe their society at that point.
17There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God.
And so I invite you to join me in removing the modern day "ites" from our vocabulary. Stop focusing on the labels, and focus instead on being "in one".
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Why me?
When I was younger, one of my sisters and I used to have a list of reasons why we didn't date, mostly made up of what we thought boys might see as personality flaws or physical flaws. As the years have passed, I've either forgotten or blocked out whatever was on that list, although if you asked my sister I'm sure she could come up with a few reasons why I'm not dating.
I know a number of single people who seem to focus on that point - why am I still single? While I recognize that it is an issue that should not be ignored, since there may be something simple (like actually talking to boys?) that could greatly increase my chances for marriage, I prefer not to make it my exclusive focus. When I do ask myself the question, why am I still single, there is a ready answer. Statistically speaking, someone's got to be single. Looking at the microcosm that is my family, I believe that I was chosen to still be single because, of the three girls in my family, I am best able to handle my single status without becoming bitter, depressed, or disillusioned.
My sisters both married a little bit later than they had planned, but they did end up with husbands and then children, and they now have their own challenges. If being single is my challenge, then I see it as another piece of evidence that God knows me personally, as this challenge is one I can easily deal with. In fact, it took me a long time before I realized that it might actually be a challenge. (Yes, this could be one of the reasons why I'm not married.) But even for people who are a bit quicker than I am and realized early on that being single can be a challenge, instead of asking, why me, try asking, why not me? See your single state as a sign that God not only know you, but that He trusts you, and has given you sufficient strength of character so you can deal with life's other challenges without the support of a spouse. And expect that once you've passed the test of being single, God will have saved you some pretty amazing man for you to spend eternity with.
I know a number of single people who seem to focus on that point - why am I still single? While I recognize that it is an issue that should not be ignored, since there may be something simple (like actually talking to boys?) that could greatly increase my chances for marriage, I prefer not to make it my exclusive focus. When I do ask myself the question, why am I still single, there is a ready answer. Statistically speaking, someone's got to be single. Looking at the microcosm that is my family, I believe that I was chosen to still be single because, of the three girls in my family, I am best able to handle my single status without becoming bitter, depressed, or disillusioned.
My sisters both married a little bit later than they had planned, but they did end up with husbands and then children, and they now have their own challenges. If being single is my challenge, then I see it as another piece of evidence that God knows me personally, as this challenge is one I can easily deal with. In fact, it took me a long time before I realized that it might actually be a challenge. (Yes, this could be one of the reasons why I'm not married.) But even for people who are a bit quicker than I am and realized early on that being single can be a challenge, instead of asking, why me, try asking, why not me? See your single state as a sign that God not only know you, but that He trusts you, and has given you sufficient strength of character so you can deal with life's other challenges without the support of a spouse. And expect that once you've passed the test of being single, God will have saved you some pretty amazing man for you to spend eternity with.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
You are loved
I had a bit of a pity party this past weekend - sorry, I didn't invite any of you. But if I had, it would have ruined the party, since it was all about feeling alone. I was thinking about some heavy things, and then got a heavy calling, and really wanted someone there to support me, or to talk to, or even just to laugh at me and tell me to suck it up. (Thanks to my good friend DB for eventually telling me just that.) Now, I am familiar with the concept of prayer. I understand quite well that I can talk to Heavenly Father about anything and everything, and believe me, I talked to Him many times this weekend. I also know from numerous personal experiences that He will always support me in my righteous choices. But even with all of that, sometimes I think it would just be nice to have a physical body in front of me when I'm talking, and to be able to physically lean on someone.
I'm sure there were several people around who would have been glad to listen to me or put their arm around me if I had just asked. But in my pity party, I didn't want to ask, I wanted someone to volunteer.
After a rather pathetic round of "who can whine the loudest" (I guess I won, since I was the only one playing), I kicked myself out of the pity party, and was immediately reminded that I am loved. Not just liked, but loved, and loved perfectly. By someone who knows everything about me, and loves me anyway. By someone who sees more good in me than I see in myself. By someone who will always love me, no matter how many dumb things I do. By someone who loves each one of you just as much, because He created us. To feel of His love is a very heady thing, and one that I wish for all of you.
I'm sure there were several people around who would have been glad to listen to me or put their arm around me if I had just asked. But in my pity party, I didn't want to ask, I wanted someone to volunteer.
After a rather pathetic round of "who can whine the loudest" (I guess I won, since I was the only one playing), I kicked myself out of the pity party, and was immediately reminded that I am loved. Not just liked, but loved, and loved perfectly. By someone who knows everything about me, and loves me anyway. By someone who sees more good in me than I see in myself. By someone who will always love me, no matter how many dumb things I do. By someone who loves each one of you just as much, because He created us. To feel of His love is a very heady thing, and one that I wish for all of you.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Shopping vs. Shopping
Last weekend I took myself to an outlet mall to shop for clothes, this weekend I attended a single adult conference to "shop for men". You'd think that my weekend of clothes shopping might prep me for a weekend of man shopping. Although the two forms of shopping are based on some of the same basic principles, man shopping requires some skills you just can't develop while shopping for clothes.
When I go outlet shopping, I generally have a list of what I'm looking for. Kind of like The List, it contains very broad terms - work clothes that don't require ironing or dry cleaning, shoes that look good but don't hurt my feet - I don't decide specific details until I've had a chance to check out what's available. Once I've found something that fits the basic criteria, I get to try it on and see how it looks. Because there are no outlet malls close to where I live, when I go outlet shopping, I'm not planning on doing any returns. This no-return principle also applies to man shopping.
Just like there are all shapes, sizes and styles of clothes, there are all shapes, sizes and styles of men. When shopping for clothes, you find a style you like, go through until you find a size you think you will fit, then take it to the dressing room and try it on. If it fits and makes you look good, you buy it. This theory is readily transferable to man shopping, since most of us are looking for a man who makes us look good, or in other words, brings out the best in us. But unlike at a clothing store, you can't just sort through a stack of men, find a few you like, and take them to the dressing room (i.e., go on a date) to check for fit.
After you've sorted through the men, the wonderful principle of agency that allows you to pick the ones you like also prevents you from simply putting them in a cart and taking them to the dressing room. Instead, you have to make them want to go to the dressing room with you. So how do you do this? Once we get past the initial "look hot, but not so hot he thinks you're too good for him", I think we can fall back on some basic missionary tools. After you have built a relationship of trust, then you need to help him feel and recognize the attraction, then follow up. Once you've done this (using Brother Barton's three steps of Animation, Closeness and Touch helps), then in theory the man in question will choose to go to the dressing room with you, and you can decide whether or not to make the final purchase, or return him to the stack and try on another one. Just beware that, while you're man shopping, he's also woman shopping, which can complicate your attempts to BRT.
When I go outlet shopping, I generally have a list of what I'm looking for. Kind of like The List, it contains very broad terms - work clothes that don't require ironing or dry cleaning, shoes that look good but don't hurt my feet - I don't decide specific details until I've had a chance to check out what's available. Once I've found something that fits the basic criteria, I get to try it on and see how it looks. Because there are no outlet malls close to where I live, when I go outlet shopping, I'm not planning on doing any returns. This no-return principle also applies to man shopping.
Just like there are all shapes, sizes and styles of clothes, there are all shapes, sizes and styles of men. When shopping for clothes, you find a style you like, go through until you find a size you think you will fit, then take it to the dressing room and try it on. If it fits and makes you look good, you buy it. This theory is readily transferable to man shopping, since most of us are looking for a man who makes us look good, or in other words, brings out the best in us. But unlike at a clothing store, you can't just sort through a stack of men, find a few you like, and take them to the dressing room (i.e., go on a date) to check for fit.
After you've sorted through the men, the wonderful principle of agency that allows you to pick the ones you like also prevents you from simply putting them in a cart and taking them to the dressing room. Instead, you have to make them want to go to the dressing room with you. So how do you do this? Once we get past the initial "look hot, but not so hot he thinks you're too good for him", I think we can fall back on some basic missionary tools. After you have built a relationship of trust, then you need to help him feel and recognize the attraction, then follow up. Once you've done this (using Brother Barton's three steps of Animation, Closeness and Touch helps), then in theory the man in question will choose to go to the dressing room with you, and you can decide whether or not to make the final purchase, or return him to the stack and try on another one. Just beware that, while you're man shopping, he's also woman shopping, which can complicate your attempts to BRT.
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