It's not you, it's me

Special guest post by DB

Caveat: This guest blogger feels she should be upfront with her dating/relationship knowledge and activity.

Dating/relationship knowledge –theoretical – 7

Dating/relationship knowledge-actual – 2

Dating activity – I shoot for a goal of at least one date/year

Several weeks ago I attended a mid-singles conference.  On the Saturday night there was a dinner and dance.  Between the two there was “entertainment”.  Usually providing the entertainment is tough but expected in order to segue between the two activities, but nobody is really interested in it, they just want to go from food to dance.

However, at this conference the entertainment was a video montage featuring some couples who had met and married due to mid-singles activities as well as some absolutely phenomenally written and acted satire on Mormon dating/relationship practices.  My favourite, although they were all really good, was the couple walking down a trail where he had a surprise picnic waiting for her and she was trying to have the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation with him.  I laughed and laughed and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since the conference.  Basically her breakup conversation went something along the lines of: it’s not you, it’s me – no really, it’s you. 

Really it is both parties and that line so commonly used, and which I’ve used in the relationships that I’ve been in is really the poorest excuse, and truth, to end a relationship.  The last relationship I was kinda in-when it ended I told my few close friends that I would recommend that they date the guy, that it wasn’t his fault really so much as it was mine.  I’ve determined that I’m out of my mind and delusional to think or say that.  If a relationship didn’t work don’t fob it off on “it’s not me” or “it’s you”.  Really, why didn’t it work?  If I had been honest I would have communicated with the guy.  I would have told him that some of the things he said made me really uncomfortable, and the head game he played with me, which in turn I used as an excuse to end the relationship, was wild and I, to this day, am still completely baffled by it.  It isn’t fair if only one party knows why a relationship is ending. 

How can either person in a relationship grow and change for the better if mistakes are not carefully and as charitably as possible pointed out.  I’m also quick to realize that what one person sees as a lacking quality, another potential relationship may flourish around, so all things should be taken with a grain of salt and a cup of sugar.  He could have just as easily told me you are stiff, cold and a prude.  This would have hurt, but it would have been oh so true.  If the relationship was one I wanted to foster I would have told him it is all true, but please be patient with me.  I am trying.  After so many years of living, working and being alone I am not yet comfortable with touch, affection, and what seem like to my “relationship passed over” self as effusive and insincere compliments

Okay, so that is the “it’s you” portion of the end of the relationship.  The “it’s me” portion is way bigger. 1) everything I mentioned in the previous paragraph about my own personal faults that hinder or may bring down a relationship I need to work on, but as so many of them are in play only when I’m in a relationship it is hard to work on them outside a relationship.  Hard, but not impossible.  2) I never engaged in honest communication with him when I didn’t tell him that you make me uncomfortable with your personal or suggestive comments.  Family and friends tell me that men are very physical and are often quicker to show or desire physical attention than women.  I on the other hand seek out affection or think about physical intimacy with a man a couple of times a decade, maybe.  We really may be on two completely different levels when it comes to acceptable or expected affection, physical intimacy and comfort levels in personal or suggestive comments.  3) I never confronted him about the head game he played on me, even if he possibly did it unwittingly he left me confused and unsure. 4) He also lives really far away and it would take great physical effort on his part, but most importantly on my part to make this relationship work and hard work is-well it is hard work.

The take away from this for me is that if I/we ever think to use the “it’s not me”, or “it’s you” excuse again I/we had better hike our self right over to a mirror and really take a look inside.  What is it about you or me that is stopping this relationship from progressing and is it confrontable and solvable.  My guess is that most things are but likely it is just way easier to be offended or unsatisfied with an imperfect person/relationship and continue to be alone than it is to be humble, communicate from the heart and continually work to perfect a relationship. 

We should ask ourselves if we truly believe that Heavenly Father wants ME to be happy in a family relationship.  After being strong enough to be single, the bigger and way harder challenge is to be strong enough, selfless enough to be part of a couple and part of a family after we have spent so many years learning to compensate and find ways to be happy, healthy and satisfied with being single.

Like I said before, accepting and being part of a couple after years, decades even, is harder than being or staying single.  Are we strong enough, courageous enough even, to throw away the right to say “it’s not me”, or “it’s not you” and grab hold when an opportunity arises to develop a possible celestial relationship?

Big Fat Hippo

As in, hypocrite.  Probably even with a capital "H".  After reading my last entry, I realized that of all the things I spend time on, looking for a date/future spouse is by far the lowest priority.  Except for maybe housework.  Seriously though, if I were to make a bar graph of all that I do in a week, looking for a date would be such a small bar it would be almost invisible.  So even though I may have a good attitude in terms of not being complacent in my singleness, if I only act on that attitude once in a blue moon, it's really not going to get me very far.

Which got me to thinking about Elder Oaks' talk on desire from the recent general conference.  The entire talk is excellent, but I'd just like to quote (or misquote) one small part of it here.

"We should remember that righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary. They must be heartfelt, unwavering, and permanent ...
...
As important as it is to lose every desire [to remain single], eternal life requires more. To achieve our eternal destiny, we will desire and work for the qualities required to become an eternal being. "

Apparently getting a date will require more than the paltry number of positive thoughts I give the matter each month.

Attitude

I was talking to a friend after a fireside the other night, and of course the topic turned to dating, or more accurately, not dating.  I'm a big fan of the idea of the single adult program as a way to meet people and hopefully get dates, but in order for the program to be successful, all (or at least most) of the participants need to have the right attitude.

I believe that those who attend activities with an open mind, looking to meet new people and develop new relationships, have a much greater chance of actually entering into a relationship.  However, these chances are diminished by those who attend the activities with a different attitude, like the activities are some sort of support group.  "Hi, my name is Fran, and I'm single".  Only unlike AA, or other programs where the point is to overcome the issue that brought you to the meeting, the "singles support group" often seems to be used as a validation of one's single status rather than an attempt to change that status.  If there are so many other single people around, it must not be bad thing, right?  Right, in a way.  There's nothing wrong with being single, as long as you're not avoiding any possibility of changing that status, or worse, actively trying to maintain it. 

Now, there may be some women who try to validate their single status, but I've mostly seen it in men, who often seem content to make lots of female friends without ever trying to take any of those relationships to the next level.  When you stop trying to meet new people and stop wondering what a relationship with them would be like, when you cease all efforts to get a date, or to make someone want to date you, I think there's a problem.  We should always be trying to progress spiritually, and since marriage is part of that spiritual progression, I think that to stop trying for it would likely have some sort of impact on the rest of your spiritual progression.  Now, I may rethink this as I get older, but until then, my plan is to keep following the program and eventually graduate to the next level.  If I try long enough and hard enough, I may just get it right.