Maybe Tomorrow

As you  may recall, I decided to try online dating, since real live dating was not happening.  So I signed up with an LDS site, posted the best picture I could find, had my friend review and edit my profile, and waited for the magic to begin. (My friend, who has had some success with online dating, said she would usually chat with 4-5 guys at a time to figure out which of them were of interest to her.  She's a lot more outgoing than I am, so I figured I would just try for 2-3 at a time.)

I kept waiting - no magic.  I talked to my friend, and found out you actually have to work at online dating.  If you want men to look at your profile, you need to actually be online on a regular basis so your profile will be one of the first ones to show up.  And you should also be searching for potentially interesting men.  So I started working - I did some searching and found a lot of middle aged divorced men from Utah.  Oh wait, maybe that's an overgeneralization.  There were also younger, non-Utah men on there, but not nearly as many as in the Utah contingent.  I also made sure to go on more frequently.

The results? A couple of flirts from guys who refused to post pictures, including one who's ideal woman was a cross between Anna Karenina and some other fictional character, and the suggestion that I hook up with my cousin, who was also on the site.  None of which interested me.  Needless to say, I did not renew my subscription.

Now, maybe I just didn't go into this with the right attitude.  After all, there are tons of stories about people who have success with online dating, who meet their eternal companion and live happily ever after.  And maybe it's possible.  But personally, I prefer live interaction.  It's easier for me to be accepting of differences if the first thing I learn about you isn't that you have horrible spelling and worse grammar.

Not long after I decided not to renew, I found this article that says the whole online thing is still just a game of chance, and you would do just as well trying to pick someone up in a bar.  Well, I pondered that, as drunk men seem to think I have really nice eyes (even if I can't immediately smell the alcohol on the guys at the shelter where I volunteer, when they give me the same compliment ten times in three minutes, it's a pretty good sign that they're no longer sober).  But since drunk men are an immediate turn-off for me, I figured I'd have even less success in the bar than I did online.   The fact that I don't go to bars may have figured in there somewhere as well.

So for now, I'll just keep looking for dates the old fashioned way. 

Love and Romance

Happy Valentine's Day!  I am aware that there are some single people who find this a difficult holiday to deal with.  Here's my theory on that - they associate today with romance, and feel sad because they don't have any romance in their life.

I do not associate today with romance.  This could be because I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, or it could just be because I'm weird.   But I think the real reason is because I associate today not with an expression of emotion, but with an actual emotion - love - that I give and receive regardless of whether I'm in a romantic relationship.

When I was growing up, my mom would always make cookies for Valentine's Day.  And not just any cookies, we're talking plate-sized heart shaped sugar cookies complete with pink icing and usually our names written on them.  I like to think our names were on them because we are each special, but it may also have had a practical purpose in keeping us kids from eating each other's cookies.  Anyway, my memories of Valentine's Day are associated with cookies, and knowing that my mom loved me enough to make me my own special cookie.

All the kids have moved out, so my mom doesn't make the heart cookies anymore.  I have taken up the tradition for myself (although I admit, mine are much smaller and not personalized).  I have no kids, but there are plenty of people I love, and making special cookies for them is one way to show it.  Interestingly enough, when I came home tonight from delivering my little gifts of love, I found that someone had left me my own gift of love.  Yes, there was a plate of heart shaped cookies complete with pink icing left on my doorstep.  But even without the cookies, I know that I am loved, not only by my parents, my family and friends, but by my Saviour, who makes all things bearable, and through whom all things are possible.

Owner of a Lonely Heart?

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning during sacrament meeting - note to self, church is not a good place for a successful pity party.  I'm generally not prone to pity parties, although it's occasionally fun to crash someone else's.  I'm blaming this one on the fact that I didn't get enough sleep last night, so all I wanted to do was lean on someone's shoulder and sleep, but I didn't have any shoulder to lean on.  Instead of immediately being grateful for the lack of shoulder, as it would prevent me from sleeping in sacrament, I chose to feel lonely instead.

But then I was reminded of a hymn - I know That my Redeemer Lives.  I've always loved the music to this hymn, but often don't pay enough attention to the lyrics.  Today I was struck by parts of the second verse:
He lives to grant me rich supply.
...
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.
...
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.

Even though it ensures the end of the party, there is no better guest than the Saviour to have during a pity party.  He does grant me rich supply - what He knows I need, not what I think I need (listening to the talks was definitely more important than sleeping through them).  He hears my complaints and comforts me in times of sadness or loneliness, and so long as I am worthy, He will impart all blessings to me in His own time.  I expect this reminder was much more beneficial for me in the long run than the male shoulder I was wishing for.   And when you add to it the lovely nap after church, overall it's been a wonderful day.

Winds of Change

I often hear of women who make changes to their lives, their dress size, their hair colour, their recreational preferences, because they think it will make some specific guy either like them or stay with them.  This saddens me.

Several years ago, when I was in my last fit phase, I was dating a guy who in essence told me I was not very comfortable to cuddle with and could use a little more meat on my bones.  While I'm sure he'd find me much more comfortable now, the change occurred because I like eating more than I like exercising, and not because he asked me to change. 

So do I think it's wrong to change for a guy?  Not at all.  But I think it's very sad to change because you think it will make someone like you.  If you are changing because you truly think it will make you a better person, that is great, but if some guy doesn't like you the way you are, he's probably not going to like you no matter how much you change for him.  He will just learn that you have little self confidence and are an easy mark for a power trip.

Another time I dated a guy who was very tactile and visual - he liked soft things and shiny things.  While he never asked me to, I found myself buying softer clothes and shinier earrings because I knew he would like it.  Why did I change?  Because he already liked me the way I was, and because I liked him, and knew that my simple actions could make him happy without changing who I am.  I also knew that he was also making little changes in his life to make me happy.  In retrospect, I did not feel the same way about the other guy, as I had no desire to change any aspect of my life for him, and didn't see any of that desire in him either.

So if you find yourself thinking about making some changes related to a man, think about whether you're changing to get him to like you, or because he likes you.  You might also want to think about whether you would make those changes if he wasn't in the picture.  If there's no way you would make the change on your own, you might want to think twice about making it with him. (Although I recognize that change instigated by another person can be a good thing - sometimes you need some external impetus.)