Maybe Tomorrow

As you  may recall, I decided to try online dating, since real live dating was not happening.  So I signed up with an LDS site, posted the best picture I could find, had my friend review and edit my profile, and waited for the magic to begin. (My friend, who has had some success with online dating, said she would usually chat with 4-5 guys at a time to figure out which of them were of interest to her.  She's a lot more outgoing than I am, so I figured I would just try for 2-3 at a time.)

I kept waiting - no magic.  I talked to my friend, and found out you actually have to work at online dating.  If you want men to look at your profile, you need to actually be online on a regular basis so your profile will be one of the first ones to show up.  And you should also be searching for potentially interesting men.  So I started working - I did some searching and found a lot of middle aged divorced men from Utah.  Oh wait, maybe that's an overgeneralization.  There were also younger, non-Utah men on there, but not nearly as many as in the Utah contingent.  I also made sure to go on more frequently.

The results? A couple of flirts from guys who refused to post pictures, including one who's ideal woman was a cross between Anna Karenina and some other fictional character, and the suggestion that I hook up with my cousin, who was also on the site.  None of which interested me.  Needless to say, I did not renew my subscription.

Now, maybe I just didn't go into this with the right attitude.  After all, there are tons of stories about people who have success with online dating, who meet their eternal companion and live happily ever after.  And maybe it's possible.  But personally, I prefer live interaction.  It's easier for me to be accepting of differences if the first thing I learn about you isn't that you have horrible spelling and worse grammar.

Not long after I decided not to renew, I found this article that says the whole online thing is still just a game of chance, and you would do just as well trying to pick someone up in a bar.  Well, I pondered that, as drunk men seem to think I have really nice eyes (even if I can't immediately smell the alcohol on the guys at the shelter where I volunteer, when they give me the same compliment ten times in three minutes, it's a pretty good sign that they're no longer sober).  But since drunk men are an immediate turn-off for me, I figured I'd have even less success in the bar than I did online.   The fact that I don't go to bars may have figured in there somewhere as well.

So for now, I'll just keep looking for dates the old fashioned way. 

I am more than my job

I've been to various singles conferences before, and most of them have had some sort of speed dating activity.  Which, in a slightly twisted way, brings some of the most entertaining moments of the conference.  When you only have a few minutes to get to know someone, most people start with the basic questions, one of which is "what do you do for work?"  The majority of my speed dating experiences have ended rather abruptly, with the guy sitting stupefied on his chair, at a loss once he hears that I'm well educated and have a professional job.    I find this phenomenon very interesting - obviously it is not a universal reaction, since I've dated men who didn't care about my job, many of whom did not have professional jobs.

So what is it about a woman with a professional job that men find so disconcerting?  Steve Harvey, in his book "Straight Talk, no chaser: How to find, keep and understand a man" (yes, I've been doing research), says that men are not intimidated by women with good careers.  Given my speed dating experiences, I was sceptical of this statement at first, but as I continued to read, what he said made sense.   According to Steve, men are looking for women who need them.  While we don't have to need men for everything, if we appear not to need them for anything, they will not be interested in us.  And somehow men seem to translate 'stable professional woman' into 'woman who doesn't need me'. 

A logical conclusion?  Perhaps.  But one often reached much to quickly.  Especially in speed dating - when you've only talked for two minutes how can you tell whether someone has needs?  And let's be realistic.  God put people on the earth - not one person, but people.  We all need someone for something, even if it's just to get something down from the top shelf (although realistically we need people for much more than that).

Steve's statement helped me make sense of an earlier experience, where I was having dinner with three single women, all in good stable jobs, and the brother of one of the women.  He made a comment that has stuck with me, something along the lines of "no wonder you girls are not married - you don't need anyone."  At the time I thought his comment was silly.  Of course we had learned to do things ourselves; as a single person, whether male or female, you learn to do something or you do without.  But being able to do things for yourself doesn't mean you don't need someone.  How often have you wished you had someone to talk over a decision with?  How often have you wanted someone to be there when you get home, or someone to come home to you?  Someone to cook dinner for? (Cooking for one seems like such a waste.)  Someone to hold your hand, tell you they love you, tell you when you're being ridiculous, or when you did something well?  And even with physical jobs, there are lots of jobs I put off or avoid completely because I know I can't do it myself, or in some cases just don't want to. (Which is why, when my dad came to visit me recently, I had a nice list of household handyman tasks for him to do - thanks dad!) 

So that raises the question; how do you express your neediness?  Right there you have a bit of a problem - who wants to appear "needy"?  I certainly don't want a needy companion, and I don't want to be one.  So the goal is to somehow express that having a specific man would make my life easier and better.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to do that at the getting to know you phase of a relationship, which is when it is apparently required in order to ensure that the relationship progresses to the next stage.  Apparently more research is required.  Maybe I should finish Steve's book.  Or ask my friend's brother.

The List

When I was 13, my Sunday School teacher invited us to make a list of the things we were looking for in a future spouse. I don't remember the lesson that led to us making the list, but it must have been a pretty good one, since some of the things I really wanted, like wavy brown hair and farsightedness to counteract my own nearsightedness, didn't make the list.  Here's what did make the cut:

·         Smart – well educated

·         Funny

·         Spiritual – strong in the church

·         Tall

·         Athletic

·         Has hair

·         Slightly feminist

·         Not above sharing the housework

·         Ambitious

·         Good with kids

·         Good taste

·         Nice voice

·         Likes to travel

·         Enjoys helping others

·         Likes to ski

As I look back over the years since I wrote it, I can definitely say that I’ve never dated anyone with all of the qualities on the list.  Yet somehow all the guys I've dated have still been decent human beings, and I've had enjoyable relationships with them.

Of course, as I’ve matured and clarified my priorities, some of the things I’m looking for have changed, and some of the things have dropped off, both from the written and the unwritten list.  And the older I get, the more males I meet, the shorter my list gets.  Right now, it looks like this:

·         Living

·         Male

·         Single

·         Good personal hygiene

·         Gainfully employed/employable

·         Faith in Christ

You may have noticed that it's much shorter than the original list.  In large part this is because the purpose of the list has changed.  Now, instead of setting out qualities I want in a future spouse, it sets out qualities I'm looking for in a date.  And as you can see, they're pretty basic.   Now, I definitely still have a long wish list for my future companion, but I’ve learned that I can like and have an enjoyable romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t meet all the criteria on it, and with someone who is quite different from what I used to see as my ideal man.  And really, given the limited number of contestants for Mr. Right, applying the "future spouse" checklist before we even go out to dinner will only limit my opportunities even more, and could prevent me from getting to know someone wonderful.  So I'll start with the basics, and add to the list from the qualities I see as the relationship develops.

What do I want?

“What do I want? I’ll tell you what I want.  I want Ken Railings to walk in here right now and say ‘Pam Short’s broken both her legs and I want to dance with you!’” 

So says Liz Holt in one of my favourite movies, Strictly Ballroom.  And much to her surprise, she soon gets exactly what she asked for.  Only to realize soon afterwards that what she thought she wanted is not all it’s cracked up to be. (Turns out Ken’s a bit of a lush.)

By the time I was 12  knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I had everything planned out, from my undergraduate degree, followed by missionary work, to my graduate degree, followed by a high-paid, high profile career complete with designer shoes and expensive suits.  Fast forward several years, and I am now living a slightly watered down version of the dream I had as a 12 year old.  Only, much like Liz, it turns out that what I dreamed about is not all it's cracked up to be.  Or, more accurately, it's a great dream, but I've changed a bit (hopefully a lot) since I was 12, and it no longer fits who I am.

So now that I'm slightly more mature than I was at 12, what do I want?   

What I really want is probably fairly similar to what most people want; lasting happiness in a positive relationship with a wonderful  man. I would love to be married and to have kids.  Who do I want to marry, and how many kids do I want?  I haven’t figured out the answer to the first one yet, and I expect the answer to the second one will be strongly influenced by discussions with whoever I do end up marrying.

  And my other desires are attainable with or without spouse.  I want to be healthy and physically active.  I want to learn new things, to use the intellect that God has given me and figure out how the world works.  I want to explore and enjoy the beauties of nature, the wonders of technology, and the many other marvels that surround me. 

I also, and probably more importantly, want to be involved with others, to be a part of their lives, and to have them be a part of mine.  To this end, I am trying to take advantage of the many relationships I am in by birth.  Just to clarify, that is “take advantage of the relationship”, not “take advantage of the relatives”, although I’m sure my parents would say that the distinction between the two is slightly blurred.  But I’ve convinced myself that they like it when I raid their fridge.  In other relationships, I’m trying to maintain regular and positive communication with my siblings and their spouses, and spend time with my nieces and nephews.  I’m also trying to meet new people and make sure that I spend time with others, even for activities that can just as easily be accomplished alone.  I figure that by working to obtain all of these other wants, I'll become a better, more well-rounded person, and a better potential spouse.