Winds of Change

I often hear of women who make changes to their lives, their dress size, their hair colour, their recreational preferences, because they think it will make some specific guy either like them or stay with them.  This saddens me.

Several years ago, when I was in my last fit phase, I was dating a guy who in essence told me I was not very comfortable to cuddle with and could use a little more meat on my bones.  While I'm sure he'd find me much more comfortable now, the change occurred because I like eating more than I like exercising, and not because he asked me to change. 

So do I think it's wrong to change for a guy?  Not at all.  But I think it's very sad to change because you think it will make someone like you.  If you are changing because you truly think it will make you a better person, that is great, but if some guy doesn't like you the way you are, he's probably not going to like you no matter how much you change for him.  He will just learn that you have little self confidence and are an easy mark for a power trip.

Another time I dated a guy who was very tactile and visual - he liked soft things and shiny things.  While he never asked me to, I found myself buying softer clothes and shinier earrings because I knew he would like it.  Why did I change?  Because he already liked me the way I was, and because I liked him, and knew that my simple actions could make him happy without changing who I am.  I also knew that he was also making little changes in his life to make me happy.  In retrospect, I did not feel the same way about the other guy, as I had no desire to change any aspect of my life for him, and didn't see any of that desire in him either.

So if you find yourself thinking about making some changes related to a man, think about whether you're changing to get him to like you, or because he likes you.  You might also want to think about whether you would make those changes if he wasn't in the picture.  If there's no way you would make the change on your own, you might want to think twice about making it with him. (Although I recognize that change instigated by another person can be a good thing - sometimes you need some external impetus.)