To date or not to date... a non-member

That is the question.  Or at least it might be if I knew any single men who were non-members.   (I'm not counting the few at work, since passing in the halls once a week doesn't really put us anywhere near 'potential date' stage.)

I know a number of women who have answered yes to this question and decided to look outside the church when their dating prospects within the church have not amounted to anything.  It's like they have asked themselves the question "is it better to be married to a non-member than to be single", and have answered "yes".  I have some good friends who have chosen to marry non-members; some of these friends are still active in the church, and some of them are not.  I figure that the difference in religious beliefs will simply add to the existing challenges that come with any marriage.

Sometimes when I think about this question, I think "why not?  there are plenty of good men outside the church."  But then I think about it on a deeper level.  What do I really want, what is my ultimate goal in life?  It is an eternal one.  I don't want just an ordinary family, I want an eternal family.  The thought of having a family for mortality, of loving them completely, then not being with them for the rest of eternity, is heartbreaking to me. 

As my mother told me many, many times, you marry who you date.  So if you date non-members, you will probably end up married to one.  And the likelihood of marrying a non-member in the temple is pretty low.  Well, really, it's impossible to marry a non-member in the temple.  But you could date a non-member, they convert, and then you marry them in the temple - this is what I believe is less likely.  I know it happens, but is it something I'm willing to take a chance on?

Going back to The List.  If a man has faith in Christ (and of course, I'm assuming here that faith without works is dead), then that could be enough, at least for a date.  Since it's just for a date, as long as he's got faith in Christ and has strong moral standards, you can expect that he will treat you with respect and not try anything inappropriate, which would be one of my concerns about going on a date with a non-member. Also, if he has faith in Christ, there is clearly the possibility that he would eventually come to believe the true gospel of Jesus Christ.  Or as a man in my ward described it, to go from something true to something truer.  Which means that you could be the one to introduce him to the gospel.

But there's always the risk that he won't accept it.  Or that you'll be old and gray before he does.  Every time I've had a financial risk assessment, I always place in the risk averse category.  For the most part, this carries over to my dating and relationship thoughts as well.  But even with the risk involved, I can't categorically answer no to this question.  Do I want to date non-members? No.  But I recognize that God's vision is limitless, and mine is not, that He can see the hearts of men much better than I can.  So if an opportunity came along to go on a date with a non-member, I think I'd say yes.  But I'd have to think very hard before going on a second date.

I am more than my job

I've been to various singles conferences before, and most of them have had some sort of speed dating activity.  Which, in a slightly twisted way, brings some of the most entertaining moments of the conference.  When you only have a few minutes to get to know someone, most people start with the basic questions, one of which is "what do you do for work?"  The majority of my speed dating experiences have ended rather abruptly, with the guy sitting stupefied on his chair, at a loss once he hears that I'm well educated and have a professional job.    I find this phenomenon very interesting - obviously it is not a universal reaction, since I've dated men who didn't care about my job, many of whom did not have professional jobs.

So what is it about a woman with a professional job that men find so disconcerting?  Steve Harvey, in his book "Straight Talk, no chaser: How to find, keep and understand a man" (yes, I've been doing research), says that men are not intimidated by women with good careers.  Given my speed dating experiences, I was sceptical of this statement at first, but as I continued to read, what he said made sense.   According to Steve, men are looking for women who need them.  While we don't have to need men for everything, if we appear not to need them for anything, they will not be interested in us.  And somehow men seem to translate 'stable professional woman' into 'woman who doesn't need me'. 

A logical conclusion?  Perhaps.  But one often reached much to quickly.  Especially in speed dating - when you've only talked for two minutes how can you tell whether someone has needs?  And let's be realistic.  God put people on the earth - not one person, but people.  We all need someone for something, even if it's just to get something down from the top shelf (although realistically we need people for much more than that).

Steve's statement helped me make sense of an earlier experience, where I was having dinner with three single women, all in good stable jobs, and the brother of one of the women.  He made a comment that has stuck with me, something along the lines of "no wonder you girls are not married - you don't need anyone."  At the time I thought his comment was silly.  Of course we had learned to do things ourselves; as a single person, whether male or female, you learn to do something or you do without.  But being able to do things for yourself doesn't mean you don't need someone.  How often have you wished you had someone to talk over a decision with?  How often have you wanted someone to be there when you get home, or someone to come home to you?  Someone to cook dinner for? (Cooking for one seems like such a waste.)  Someone to hold your hand, tell you they love you, tell you when you're being ridiculous, or when you did something well?  And even with physical jobs, there are lots of jobs I put off or avoid completely because I know I can't do it myself, or in some cases just don't want to. (Which is why, when my dad came to visit me recently, I had a nice list of household handyman tasks for him to do - thanks dad!) 

So that raises the question; how do you express your neediness?  Right there you have a bit of a problem - who wants to appear "needy"?  I certainly don't want a needy companion, and I don't want to be one.  So the goal is to somehow express that having a specific man would make my life easier and better.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to do that at the getting to know you phase of a relationship, which is when it is apparently required in order to ensure that the relationship progresses to the next stage.  Apparently more research is required.  Maybe I should finish Steve's book.  Or ask my friend's brother.

The List

When I was 13, my Sunday School teacher invited us to make a list of the things we were looking for in a future spouse. I don't remember the lesson that led to us making the list, but it must have been a pretty good one, since some of the things I really wanted, like wavy brown hair and farsightedness to counteract my own nearsightedness, didn't make the list.  Here's what did make the cut:

·         Smart – well educated

·         Funny

·         Spiritual – strong in the church

·         Tall

·         Athletic

·         Has hair

·         Slightly feminist

·         Not above sharing the housework

·         Ambitious

·         Good with kids

·         Good taste

·         Nice voice

·         Likes to travel

·         Enjoys helping others

·         Likes to ski

As I look back over the years since I wrote it, I can definitely say that I’ve never dated anyone with all of the qualities on the list.  Yet somehow all the guys I've dated have still been decent human beings, and I've had enjoyable relationships with them.

Of course, as I’ve matured and clarified my priorities, some of the things I’m looking for have changed, and some of the things have dropped off, both from the written and the unwritten list.  And the older I get, the more males I meet, the shorter my list gets.  Right now, it looks like this:

·         Living

·         Male

·         Single

·         Good personal hygiene

·         Gainfully employed/employable

·         Faith in Christ

You may have noticed that it's much shorter than the original list.  In large part this is because the purpose of the list has changed.  Now, instead of setting out qualities I want in a future spouse, it sets out qualities I'm looking for in a date.  And as you can see, they're pretty basic.   Now, I definitely still have a long wish list for my future companion, but I’ve learned that I can like and have an enjoyable romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t meet all the criteria on it, and with someone who is quite different from what I used to see as my ideal man.  And really, given the limited number of contestants for Mr. Right, applying the "future spouse" checklist before we even go out to dinner will only limit my opportunities even more, and could prevent me from getting to know someone wonderful.  So I'll start with the basics, and add to the list from the qualities I see as the relationship develops.