Comfort Food

I've done a few posts about why I'm still single.  It's not something I think about on any sort of regular basis, but it's not a topic I can completely ignore.  It's kind of like going back to look in the fridge, hoping that some new, tempting food will suddenly appear, even though you haven't gone shopping since you last looked in the fridge.  I think maybe I subconsciously hope that someday I will figure out "the" reason, the easy fix that I can take care of today and tomorrow I'll get married.

But consciously, I know that is completely unrealistic.  Especially given my most recent thought on why I'm still single, and I give credit to DB for facilitating this thought.  I am still single because it is the life I know.  It is easy for me to be single.  I can do it all by myself, I'm extremely competent at it, I know exactly how my life as a single person works, and I'm very comfortable with it.  Possibly too comfortable.

On the other hand, I have no idea how life as a married person works.  At least how it would work for me.  Sure, I've watched my parents and my siblings and my friends, all sorts of married couples, and I can see, at least at a surface level, how their marriages work, or don't work, as the case may be.  But I've never been there.  I don't know what I will be like as a married person, how I will handle living with a man.  While I've had and enjoyed long term roommate relationships and friendships, everybody knows that men are Different.  which means living with one will be Different, and completely unknown.  And sadly,  I have a fear of the unknown.

But then I read the scriptures.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart ... (Proverbs 3:5)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: (1 John 4:18)

If I can trust God with everything else in my life, I have to trust him in this as well, trust that the unknown will be good, will be worth all of the hard work involved, and will lead to the desired result of an eternal family.

One is not the loneliest number

Sitting in church a while ago, I was looking around at all of the other single women in the congregation.  It hit me that there are a number of women in my ward who are only single at church, meaning they have a husband at home who chooses not to join them at church, whether he's a member or not.  That got me to thinking, would I rather be single, or married to someone who didn't support me in my beliefs?  What would it be like to attend church and be uplifted and strengthened by the Holy Ghost, and go home to someone who hasn't had that?  What would it be like if I was growing closer to God and my husband wasn't?  How does that impact your ability to grow together as a family?

And what about the sisters who come to church with their spouses, but are still practically speaking alone?  you can attend the same church without actually supporting each other.  you can make a show of supporting your spouse at church, then completely change once you leave the building.

Combine these thoughts with a couple of conversations with women who are now in happy second marriages following a less than positive first marriage.  Both of these women advised that it is better to be single than to be married to the wrong man.  I dated a guy once who was definitely a wrong man for me.  I'm sure he'll be great for someone, but even though he had many wonderful characteristics, our life plans and expectations were far too different, and I knew that if we ever got married, I would spend more time alone than I did as a single person, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Which is not what I am looking for in a husband.

And so I continue to be patient, preferring to be happily single than unhappily married. 

The List

When I was 13, my Sunday School teacher invited us to make a list of the things we were looking for in a future spouse. I don't remember the lesson that led to us making the list, but it must have been a pretty good one, since some of the things I really wanted, like wavy brown hair and farsightedness to counteract my own nearsightedness, didn't make the list.  Here's what did make the cut:

·         Smart – well educated

·         Funny

·         Spiritual – strong in the church

·         Tall

·         Athletic

·         Has hair

·         Slightly feminist

·         Not above sharing the housework

·         Ambitious

·         Good with kids

·         Good taste

·         Nice voice

·         Likes to travel

·         Enjoys helping others

·         Likes to ski

As I look back over the years since I wrote it, I can definitely say that I’ve never dated anyone with all of the qualities on the list.  Yet somehow all the guys I've dated have still been decent human beings, and I've had enjoyable relationships with them.

Of course, as I’ve matured and clarified my priorities, some of the things I’m looking for have changed, and some of the things have dropped off, both from the written and the unwritten list.  And the older I get, the more males I meet, the shorter my list gets.  Right now, it looks like this:

·         Living

·         Male

·         Single

·         Good personal hygiene

·         Gainfully employed/employable

·         Faith in Christ

You may have noticed that it's much shorter than the original list.  In large part this is because the purpose of the list has changed.  Now, instead of setting out qualities I want in a future spouse, it sets out qualities I'm looking for in a date.  And as you can see, they're pretty basic.   Now, I definitely still have a long wish list for my future companion, but I’ve learned that I can like and have an enjoyable romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t meet all the criteria on it, and with someone who is quite different from what I used to see as my ideal man.  And really, given the limited number of contestants for Mr. Right, applying the "future spouse" checklist before we even go out to dinner will only limit my opportunities even more, and could prevent me from getting to know someone wonderful.  So I'll start with the basics, and add to the list from the qualities I see as the relationship develops.

What do I want?

“What do I want? I’ll tell you what I want.  I want Ken Railings to walk in here right now and say ‘Pam Short’s broken both her legs and I want to dance with you!’” 

So says Liz Holt in one of my favourite movies, Strictly Ballroom.  And much to her surprise, she soon gets exactly what she asked for.  Only to realize soon afterwards that what she thought she wanted is not all it’s cracked up to be. (Turns out Ken’s a bit of a lush.)

By the time I was 12  knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I had everything planned out, from my undergraduate degree, followed by missionary work, to my graduate degree, followed by a high-paid, high profile career complete with designer shoes and expensive suits.  Fast forward several years, and I am now living a slightly watered down version of the dream I had as a 12 year old.  Only, much like Liz, it turns out that what I dreamed about is not all it's cracked up to be.  Or, more accurately, it's a great dream, but I've changed a bit (hopefully a lot) since I was 12, and it no longer fits who I am.

So now that I'm slightly more mature than I was at 12, what do I want?   

What I really want is probably fairly similar to what most people want; lasting happiness in a positive relationship with a wonderful  man. I would love to be married and to have kids.  Who do I want to marry, and how many kids do I want?  I haven’t figured out the answer to the first one yet, and I expect the answer to the second one will be strongly influenced by discussions with whoever I do end up marrying.

  And my other desires are attainable with or without spouse.  I want to be healthy and physically active.  I want to learn new things, to use the intellect that God has given me and figure out how the world works.  I want to explore and enjoy the beauties of nature, the wonders of technology, and the many other marvels that surround me. 

I also, and probably more importantly, want to be involved with others, to be a part of their lives, and to have them be a part of mine.  To this end, I am trying to take advantage of the many relationships I am in by birth.  Just to clarify, that is “take advantage of the relationship”, not “take advantage of the relatives”, although I’m sure my parents would say that the distinction between the two is slightly blurred.  But I’ve convinced myself that they like it when I raid their fridge.  In other relationships, I’m trying to maintain regular and positive communication with my siblings and their spouses, and spend time with my nieces and nephews.  I’m also trying to meet new people and make sure that I spend time with others, even for activities that can just as easily be accomplished alone.  I figure that by working to obtain all of these other wants, I'll become a better, more well-rounded person, and a better potential spouse.