You are loved

I had a bit of a pity party this past weekend - sorry, I didn't invite any of you.  But if I had, it would have ruined the party, since it was all about feeling alone.  I was thinking about some heavy things, and then got a heavy calling, and really wanted someone there to support me, or to talk to, or even just to laugh at me and tell me to suck it up. (Thanks to my good friend DB for eventually telling me just that.)  Now, I am familiar with the concept of prayer.  I understand quite well that I can talk to Heavenly Father about anything and everything, and believe me, I talked to Him many times this weekend.  I also know from numerous personal experiences that He will always support me in my righteous choices.  But even with all of that, sometimes I think it would just be nice to have a physical body in front of me when I'm talking, and to be able to physically lean on someone.

I'm sure there were several people around who would have been glad to listen to me or put their arm around me if I had just asked.  But in my pity party, I didn't want to ask, I wanted someone to volunteer.

After a rather pathetic round of "who can whine the loudest" (I guess I won, since I was the only one playing), I kicked myself out of the pity party, and was immediately reminded that I am loved.  Not just liked, but loved, and loved perfectly.  By someone who knows everything about me, and loves me anyway.  By someone who sees more good in me than I see in myself.  By someone who will always love me, no matter how many dumb things I do.  By someone who loves each one of you just as much, because He created us.  To feel of His love is a very heady thing, and one that I wish for all of you.

Shopping vs. Shopping

Last weekend I took myself to an outlet mall to shop for clothes, this weekend I attended a single adult conference to "shop for men".  You'd think that my weekend of clothes shopping might prep me for a weekend of man shopping.  Although the two forms of shopping are based on some of the same basic principles, man shopping requires some skills you just can't develop while shopping for clothes.

When I go outlet shopping, I generally have a list of what I'm looking for.  Kind of like The List, it contains very broad terms - work clothes that don't require ironing or dry cleaning, shoes that look good but don't hurt my feet - I don't decide specific details until I've had a chance to check out what's available.  Once I've found something that fits the basic criteria, I get to try it on and see how it looks.  Because there are no outlet malls close to where I live, when I go outlet shopping, I'm not planning on doing any returns.  This no-return principle also applies to man shopping. 

Just like there are all shapes, sizes and styles of clothes, there are all shapes, sizes and styles of men.  When shopping for clothes, you find a style you like, go through until you find a size you think you will fit, then take it to the dressing room and try it on.  If it fits and makes you look good, you buy it.  This theory is readily transferable to man shopping, since most of us are looking for a man who makes us look good, or in other words, brings out the best in us.  But unlike at a clothing store, you can't just sort through a stack of men, find a few you like, and take them to the dressing room (i.e., go on a date) to check for fit.

After you've sorted through the men, the wonderful principle of agency that allows you to pick the ones you like also prevents you from simply putting them in a cart and taking them to the dressing room.  Instead, you have to make them want to go to the dressing room with you.  So how do you do this?  Once we get past the initial "look hot, but not so hot he thinks you're too good for him", I think we can fall back on some basic missionary tools.  After you have built a relationship of trust, then you need to help him feel and recognize the attraction, then follow up.  Once you've done this (using Brother Barton's three steps of Animation, Closeness and Touch helps), then in theory the man in question will choose to go to the dressing room with you, and you can decide whether or not to make the final purchase, or return him to the stack and try on another one.  Just beware that, while you're man shopping, he's also woman shopping, which can complicate your attempts to BRT.

Burst my bubble

I generally try to focus on the benefits of being single because frankly, I'd rather be happy than not.  But last night at our Relief Society meeting, one of the drawbacks of being single became glaringly obvious.  We were talking about being organized, and the speaker suggested that one way to get more done is to delegate work to those in your family, like having your kids clean the bathroom or dust or whatever.  I was crushed to realize that I have no one to delegate things to!  Given my recent post on wanting someone to help carry in the groceries, maybe this is something I should have figured out long ago.  I guess I always just thought of it as not having someone to help out with things.  Maybe it's more like what my sister does in her family - she does the "pink" jobs (her term, not mine), and delegates all the "blue" jobs to her husband.  Now that I know what I'm missing, I may have to start a list of things that I want to delegate to my husband, wherever he is.

Perspective

As I came home from the grocery store the other day and was trying to lug in all of my groceries, I suddenly felt very tired of being alone.  Now, I generally try not to think about things like this, and I'm chalking this feeling up to the fact that I just wanted someone else to carry the groceries for me (they were particularly heavy that day).  But then I started to think about it a bit more.

Accepting that the Lord's promise is true, that all righteous people will have the opportunity to be married in the next life so they can achieve the highest degree of glory, then really, this life is the only time out of all eternity that we have to be single.  So instead of complaining about it, I should just continue to carry in my own groceries, enjoy it and give thanks for this extended time to be alone, to figure myself out, to learn about the plan of salvation, and to strengthen my relationship with my Saviour.  And whenever the time comes for me to exchange the blessing of being single for the blessing of being married, I'm sure I will enjoy that as well.

Things that make you go hmmmm

I think we've all heard it somewhere - if we don't find a husband in this life, as long as we live righteously, no blessings will be denied us, meaning we will have the opportunity to be married in the next life.  For the most part, this knowledge give me hope.  But the other day I had the random thought - if we don't get married here, are we going to have to go through the whole dating scene again?  I've got to tell you, that sort of scares me.  I mean really, look at the caliber of LDS women currently on the dating scene - it's pretty amazing.  So I can just imagine that the caliber of women in the celestial dating pool will be even better, meaning it will be even harder to stand out.

On the other hand, everyone in that dating pool would be celestial material, and motivated to get married, so it might not be so bad after all.  But still, I'd rather avoid it if at all possible, so I'll just put a little more effort into my current dating efforts.

The Mother in you

One of my friends recently had an experience that I thought was appropriate to share on this Mothers' Day.  The following is in her own words, with permission.

"My visiting teachers came over last night.  A comment was made that still has me thinking. 

"Basically one of my vt'ers was talking about being pregnant and creating life and the miracle of that and then having them and teaching and nuturing them and I'm sorry if this doesn't interest you because you aren't a mom and haven't had children. 

"I stopped her and said, "but I am a mother, I've never had a child of my own but I nuture and teach and mother other children, my siblings children and the youth through the church."

"She backed off and was worried that she had offended me.  I wasn't offended, I was just shocked that anyone would consider me less because I haven't had a child of my own.  I am not to be pitied because I'm single and don't have children, just like every other sister in the world, I'm to be included and loved because I am a daughter of god.  No more than you, no less than you."

And now it's back to me again.  I'm thrilled that my friend recognizes that her ability to fulfill her divine role as a nurturer does not depend on her marital status or whether she has borne or is raising children.

For more on this topic, check out Sister Dew's talk "Are we not all mothers?" from October 2001 General Conference.

Hope springs eternal

As I get older, I occasionally feel like my chances of getting married and having kids are drying up.  The last time I had such a thought was right around the time we were studying Luke 1 in Sunday school, which is where Zacharias and Elizabeth discover that they are going to have a baby, even though they were "both well stricken in years".  Of course, during class discussion we also talked about Sarah, who had Isaac after being well stricken in years.  Reading about these two women, about the important missions that they had to fulfill, and about the way their missions were fulfilled in the Lord's time, was the perfect reminder that I need to quit worrying about worldly timing restrictions, and "trust in the Lord with all my heart" (Proverbs 3:5).  I need to remember that He has an eternal perspective, and if I can let go of my own limited perspective, He will help me to see with my spiritual eyes and to understand His plan for me.  And if I can do that, then I will always have hope.

If you're interested in learning more about Sarah, or about other women who trusted in the Lord, you  might want to try Camilla Fronk Olson's book, "Women of the Old Testament."