Marriage makes life better

At least, a lot of young single women (and maybe men) seem to think so.  They believe that once they get married, life will be just grand.  Let's examine this thought a little more deeply.  As a single person, I have one set of problems: my own.  I know my problems, I know my reactions, my resources, and my ability to deal with these issues.  I also have control over my reactions.  Money troubles?  I can control how much I spend and how much I make (to a certain extent).  Someone's dirty socks are on the floor?  No problem, they're my socks, I left them there, and if they bother me I can pick them up.  I'm grumpy?  It's OK, there's no one at home to be impacted by my bad mood.

On the other hand, married people have two sets of problems - his and hers.  Wait, make that three sets - his, hers, and theirs.  But each partner still only has control over themselves.  So if there are money troubles, I can reduce my spending but can't control what he spends.  And if I do something silly that causes those money problems (say, for example, get lots of speeding tickets), my actions impact more than just me.  And I am similarly impacted by my spouse's actions. 

Not only does marriage bring in other people's problems to my life and reduce the amount of control I have to remedy those problems, it can make you look weird and do silly things, like this.

So how can multiple sets of problems be better than just one set of problems?  Because even though you may have more problems, you've also got more resources to throw at those problems.  Instead of one person worrying about things, you've got two.  And you know the saying, two heads are better than one.  And if I get grumpy, there is someone there to help me be happy.  Of course, there is also someone there to make me grumpier.  Oh wait, I have control over how grumpy I am.  In situations where the problem can't be fixed, or in times of sadness, or times of great joy, there is someone to share the feelings with.  There is someone there to play with and consult with and to look weird and be silly with.  And of course, there's someone there to kill the spiders you don't want to deal with.  So maybe marriage can be better than single life.

Perfectly Imperfect

Living the single life is great.  There is no one to point out your quirks.  You can leave your socks on the floor, or stack the dishes in the sink and only wash them once a week all in the name of efficiency.  You can wear your Mickey Mouse ears around the house, and have a different colour of fuzzy bunny slippers for every day of the week. You can have ketchup on your peanut butter sandwiches  and double dip your chips. You can basically do whatever you want, and no one will tell you you are weird.

It is only through interaction with others, relatively close and ongoing interaction, that you start to realize, maybe what is normal to you isn't quite so normal to the rest of the world.  Living with roommates can provide this type of interaction, but it's not always effective.  When I was younger and had roommates, I just assumed that they were the weird ones.  And then as I got older (I'd say "more mature", but I'm sure someone would dispute that), I just got better roommates who were too polite to point out most of my oddities.  Thanks DB.  Although the more I think about it, the more I realize that it is may not just be politeness that kept some of my roommates quiet.  It may also be the unvoiced, probably unrecognized fear that, if I point out their oddities, they might point out mine.  And I really don't want to know how weird I am.  Because I can call myself weird, and sort of recognize that I may have some habits that are different from most people, but until I start truly noticing what others do in different situations, and comparing myself, or being compared to, others, I don't know exactly how weird I am.  Which means I can be happy in my weirdness.  I can be completely normal, because I define what normal is, and as a single, my main frame of reference for "normal" is what ever I like. 

While there is nothing wrong with being weird, I have found that maintaining such a limited frame of reference can make it really easy to overlook my shortcomings.  When I don't notice, or just blatantly ignore my weaknesses because I think it's not impacting anyone else, I am losing opportunities for growth and becoming stagnant.  I need to interact with others, and do so with an open mind. Without the opportunity to see how others work, I may miss out on a better way to do things.  Without seeing what other people eat, I may miss some delicious foods.   Without listening to, and truly hearing, the opinions and ideas of others, I will almost certainly end up with an extremely limited perspective on life, and will miss the joy that comes from increasing in wisdom and understanding.  And without watching how others serve and worship and keep their covenants, I will certainly miss out on ways to improve my relationship with my Saviour and better see how I can reach my potential as a daughter of God.  But even as I expand my frame of reference for "normal", I'm sure there are some quirks I will hold onto.  Not because I necessarily like to be quirky (although sometimes it's fun), but because I just like to be me.  And becoming perfect does not mean becoming just like everyone else.

Action

I almost forgot to share a part of my trip.  On my way home from the conference I met a neurologist.  He's single, and we talked for an hour and a half, then exchanged contact information.  And when we said goodbye, he gave me a kiss!

A few more details will change the story.  He's divorced, at least 70, and he sat next to me on the plane, so there was no escaping the conversation.  Which was quite interesting.  And the kiss was a grandfatherly peck on the cheek.  It sounds so much better though to just say "I met a single doctor and he kissed me."

Awkward Questions

You all know the ones - for singles the most common one is "why are you still single?"  (although people often try to phrase it in a 'nice' way, like "you're such a great girl, why hasn't some man snapped you up yet?")  For married people, there are ones like "when are you going to have kids?", or "when are you going to stop having kids?", or "when are your kids going to start behaving better?"

I heard a new one this weekend at a single adult conference.  The sad part is, the questioner was only recently married herself, so she should have been fully aware of the awkwardness of her question.  The funny part was, none of the participants in the conversation seemed to find it awkward (maybe this is a sign that I'm a little bit odd, but I'm not admitting to anything).  The newly married woman was talking to a man and a woman who were obviously dating, and she asked them, "so, are you guys going to get engaged soon?"  Seriously?  Who asks that?  I mean, maybe your parents, but a new or casual acquaintance?  Didn't she realize that is a very personal, and possibly dangerous question? 

What if the answer was no, we're actually going to break up at the end of the night?  Or what if one of them answered yes and the other one answered no?  What if they'd never talked about it, or thought about it?  I'm sure her question was a motivator in some way.  Maybe they talked about it after she walked away and were engaged by the end of the conference. Or maybe they talked about it and broke up by the end of the conference.  If I had been one of the couple, it might have motivated me to say something rude to her, along the lines of "mind your own business".   Which is probably about as polite as my standard answer to "why are you still single?"  If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't still be single, would I?

As a side note, I enjoyed the conference, (thanks for going with me CJ).  Of all the people I met, only two or three asked me what I do for work, and only one of those was visibly intimidated by my job.  The two most memorable moments were getting very seriously hit on, in part because I don't wear much makeup (good thing I've managed to resist all of my mother's efforts to get me to 'at least wear some lipstick'), and hiking with some other single ladies over 35 on Cougar Mountain.  That's right, cougars on Cougar Mountain.  Sadly, there was no prey in sight.  The only single males we saw were under the age of 12, well below the age cut off for a cougar companion.

Accessorizing

I recently read a very interesting article in the Globe and Mail about women "not dating", but instead having a "gaggle" of male friends, one for every occasion.  It made me laugh, and think that perhaps Mormons are ahead of the trend, as we've apparently been "hanging out" for years without dating. (See Elder Oaks' fantastic CES broadcast from May 2005, as condensed in the June 2006 Ensign, where he talks about dating versus hanging out)

According to the article, you can have a gaggle of men and still have a boyfriend.  That's fabulous news - I'd get right on it, if I had any idea where (or how) to pick up a gaggle.  But truthfully, I do have a gaggle of one (can it really be a gaggle if there's only one member? I think he'd just be a goose, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being called a goose.)  DD, thanks for being a great non-date.

Brain Freeze

I have discovered another benefit to not being single - increased mental activity, or a broader scope of awareness and understanding.  I live alone (DB, I know, you're thinking, 'it's your own fault for moving away'), mostly work alone, do some solitary sporting activities, often vacation alone.  As you might imagine, that results in a whole lot of talking to myself.  As you might also imagine, that gets pretty boring after a while.  I'm an OK conversationalist when I have someone to work with and feed off of - when I'm just talking to myself, the conversations can get pretty repetitive and simple.  Even when Me, Myself and I have the occasional debate or even heated discussion, I can pretty much tell who's going to win, so there's no suspense.

But having someone else to talk to, ahhhh, that's refreshing.  New ideas, fresh points of view - it can be very invigorating.  Like tonight.  All my blog thoughts are on serious subjects.  Unfortunately, I don't want to be serious right now, I'd rather laugh.  And so I am soliciting your humorous thoughts - please share a joke, a funny story, a non sequitur.  I look forward to hearing from you and laughing with you (or if not exactly with you, at least laughing at the same things).

Comfort Food

I've done a few posts about why I'm still single.  It's not something I think about on any sort of regular basis, but it's not a topic I can completely ignore.  It's kind of like going back to look in the fridge, hoping that some new, tempting food will suddenly appear, even though you haven't gone shopping since you last looked in the fridge.  I think maybe I subconsciously hope that someday I will figure out "the" reason, the easy fix that I can take care of today and tomorrow I'll get married.

But consciously, I know that is completely unrealistic.  Especially given my most recent thought on why I'm still single, and I give credit to DB for facilitating this thought.  I am still single because it is the life I know.  It is easy for me to be single.  I can do it all by myself, I'm extremely competent at it, I know exactly how my life as a single person works, and I'm very comfortable with it.  Possibly too comfortable.

On the other hand, I have no idea how life as a married person works.  At least how it would work for me.  Sure, I've watched my parents and my siblings and my friends, all sorts of married couples, and I can see, at least at a surface level, how their marriages work, or don't work, as the case may be.  But I've never been there.  I don't know what I will be like as a married person, how I will handle living with a man.  While I've had and enjoyed long term roommate relationships and friendships, everybody knows that men are Different.  which means living with one will be Different, and completely unknown.  And sadly,  I have a fear of the unknown.

But then I read the scriptures.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart ... (Proverbs 3:5)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: (1 John 4:18)

If I can trust God with everything else in my life, I have to trust him in this as well, trust that the unknown will be good, will be worth all of the hard work involved, and will lead to the desired result of an eternal family.

One is not the loneliest number

Sitting in church a while ago, I was looking around at all of the other single women in the congregation.  It hit me that there are a number of women in my ward who are only single at church, meaning they have a husband at home who chooses not to join them at church, whether he's a member or not.  That got me to thinking, would I rather be single, or married to someone who didn't support me in my beliefs?  What would it be like to attend church and be uplifted and strengthened by the Holy Ghost, and go home to someone who hasn't had that?  What would it be like if I was growing closer to God and my husband wasn't?  How does that impact your ability to grow together as a family?

And what about the sisters who come to church with their spouses, but are still practically speaking alone?  you can attend the same church without actually supporting each other.  you can make a show of supporting your spouse at church, then completely change once you leave the building.

Combine these thoughts with a couple of conversations with women who are now in happy second marriages following a less than positive first marriage.  Both of these women advised that it is better to be single than to be married to the wrong man.  I dated a guy once who was definitely a wrong man for me.  I'm sure he'll be great for someone, but even though he had many wonderful characteristics, our life plans and expectations were far too different, and I knew that if we ever got married, I would spend more time alone than I did as a single person, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Which is not what I am looking for in a husband.

And so I continue to be patient, preferring to be happily single than unhappily married. 

Nobody's perfect

Here's a (bad) shot of a card I got recently. (note the modesty towel to cover what his low rise underwear didn't) 

The punch line of the card is " with his mommy.  So close."  There's always something.  But it doesn't have to be a roadblock.  I mean really, maybe Trent is living with his mommy because she's sick and he's taking care of her.  He looks like the compassionate, helpful type, doesn't he?  Or maybe she can't afford the rent on her own and he's helping her out.  Just look for the positive.

Another Reason

I recently discovered another potential reason for getting married.  The lease on our office space expires in the next year or so, and we will be moving to a new building.  The new space is located in the same building as the Holt Renfrew store, which is a very high end, very expensive clothing store.  I was joking with one of the senior guys at work and asked if one of the conditions of the new lease was that we'd have to shop at Holt Renfrew once we moved to the new building.  He said, no, what you need to do is get a man, so when you go shopping there, there's someone at home who can look at the bills and be shocked and appalled at how much you spent and how little you got for it.  Implicit in his response is that the husband would also be paying the horrifically high bill.  While I've certainly thought about having a husband who earned a sufficient income that I could stay home and take care of the kids, it never would have occurred to me to get a husband so I can shop at Holt Renfrew.  I'm actually really good at being shocked and appalled at high prices all by myself, so I think I'll stick with the more basic reasons to get married - companionship, fulfilling the commandments, etc.

Two-fer

In honour of my friend's recent visit, thought I'd share one of her pet peeves about being single - the two for one coupon.  What good is a two-fer for a single person, she asks.  I'm a one-fer!  Agreed!  What good is a free hamburger if you won't eat it? (Let's face it, the majority of the two-fer coupons come from fast food restaurants - DB, if you ever see a two-fer on something healthy and/or useful, let me know and I'll share it with you.)  Two-fers are probably great for couples or families on a limited budget, but they tend to be pretty useless for the singles I know. (This may be gender specific - there may be guys out there who love the two-fer fast food coupons.)

Now for some of my own, more recent thoughts on the two-fer.  Some people might look at the "two-fer" scheme as simply a marketing gimmick, a way to get people to buy more, or at least to try more of a company's product so they will get sucked in and want to keep buying when the product is no longer on sale.  But what if the two-fer is not really a product of our consumeristic society?  What if it's actually some sort of diabolical scheme to get us to talk to other people?  Or even worse, spend time with them?  What if, when I saw a two-fer coupon, instead of immediately throwing it out, I saved it and found a friend to share the deal with  me?  I'm feeling sick already, thinking about the number of fast food meals I'd end up having to eat.  Which may be why I've never invited anyone to join me in taking advantage of the many two-fer coupons that magically appear in my mailbox - I can't stand fast food.

But maybe I can try this whole 'talking to people' and 'spending time with them' without a two-fer.  Maybe I can just call someone up and say, hey, I'm going for a walk, would you like to join me?  It's a risky plan, but I might just try it.  Because really, the two-fer coupons are just a marketing gimmick, trying to get me to buy more of a product that I didn't need in the first place. Companionship, on the other hand, is something I do need, and lucky for me, I can get it without a coupon.  Even if I have to make two or three (or more) calls before finding someone who can join me for that walk. 

Miss not-so-Independent

I remember having dinner with my roommate and her brother and some other friends.  He looked at us ladies and said something along the lines of "It's no wonder you girls aren't married.  You can do everything yourselves.  You don't need a husband."  More recently, I was helping to set up for a party at the church and was carrying a bunch of stuff in from my car.  A brother came in behind me and made some sort of joking comment about getting the door for me, after I had already opened it myself despite both hands and arms being very full.

I think about these things, and I think, to some extent, they are right - I can do, and do do, a lot of things by myself.  Because if I didn't do them, who would?  When I come back from grocery shopping, there is no one around to help me carry in the groceries, or to open the door while I carry them in.  And since I'm too lazy to make multiple trips, I usually have my hands and arms pretty full when I come in from the car, but I still manage to open the door without putting anything down (I like to think of it as an art form that I have perfected over many years of practice).  There is no-one else to change the light bulb when it burns out (this is unfortunate, as my last light bulb changing attempt was actually a failure - it's not that I couldn't get the old bulb out and the new bulb in, apparently I bought the wrong kind of bulb, so even though the new bulb looks right, it doesn't give any light.  Good thing it's a two-bulb fixture so I'm not completely in the dark.)

But does that mean I don't need a husband?  Of course not.  I used to think that one of the (many) great things about having a husband would be that I could get him to take out the garbage and take care of the car and kill the spiders and basically do all of the jobs I don't like doing.  Then I realized that's not very fair to him, if he doesn't like any of those jobs either, and it would actually have to be a more equitable distribution of work.  But there would be a distribution of work, so neither of us would have to do everything, and I expect that will be very nice.

However, I have recently realized (or maybe re-realized) another reason having a husband would be great.  You have a built in friend, someone to talk to and do things with.  The importance of this factor was brought home to me in the Tale of Two Holidays.  Last fall I took a lovely holiday to Europe by myself, and I did not love it.  It was nice, I saw some cool things, but I was bored with myself and really wanted someone to talk to and to share my interesting discoveries with and to discuss the neat things I was seeing.  or the bad driving, or crazy people.  I also realized that I am more adventurous when I am with someone else.
I recently got back from the second of the two holidays.  This time I went to visit a friend, and got to stay with her family for the entire vacation.  It was great to have someone to spend time with, to talk to, ask questions of, get opinions from, etc.   The comparison between my two holidays and the way I felt while away confirmed for me the truth of the saying "no man (or woman) is an island" (although I was on an island when I realized this, greatly enjoying the beach and the sunshine).  It doesn't matter whether I can take care of myself all by myself, or whether my future husband can do the same (I really hope he can, by this stage in life).  Our lives will be more enjoyable together.

Maybe Tomorrow

As you  may recall, I decided to try online dating, since real live dating was not happening.  So I signed up with an LDS site, posted the best picture I could find, had my friend review and edit my profile, and waited for the magic to begin. (My friend, who has had some success with online dating, said she would usually chat with 4-5 guys at a time to figure out which of them were of interest to her.  She's a lot more outgoing than I am, so I figured I would just try for 2-3 at a time.)

I kept waiting - no magic.  I talked to my friend, and found out you actually have to work at online dating.  If you want men to look at your profile, you need to actually be online on a regular basis so your profile will be one of the first ones to show up.  And you should also be searching for potentially interesting men.  So I started working - I did some searching and found a lot of middle aged divorced men from Utah.  Oh wait, maybe that's an overgeneralization.  There were also younger, non-Utah men on there, but not nearly as many as in the Utah contingent.  I also made sure to go on more frequently.

The results? A couple of flirts from guys who refused to post pictures, including one who's ideal woman was a cross between Anna Karenina and some other fictional character, and the suggestion that I hook up with my cousin, who was also on the site.  None of which interested me.  Needless to say, I did not renew my subscription.

Now, maybe I just didn't go into this with the right attitude.  After all, there are tons of stories about people who have success with online dating, who meet their eternal companion and live happily ever after.  And maybe it's possible.  But personally, I prefer live interaction.  It's easier for me to be accepting of differences if the first thing I learn about you isn't that you have horrible spelling and worse grammar.

Not long after I decided not to renew, I found this article that says the whole online thing is still just a game of chance, and you would do just as well trying to pick someone up in a bar.  Well, I pondered that, as drunk men seem to think I have really nice eyes (even if I can't immediately smell the alcohol on the guys at the shelter where I volunteer, when they give me the same compliment ten times in three minutes, it's a pretty good sign that they're no longer sober).  But since drunk men are an immediate turn-off for me, I figured I'd have even less success in the bar than I did online.   The fact that I don't go to bars may have figured in there somewhere as well.

So for now, I'll just keep looking for dates the old fashioned way. 

Love and Romance

Happy Valentine's Day!  I am aware that there are some single people who find this a difficult holiday to deal with.  Here's my theory on that - they associate today with romance, and feel sad because they don't have any romance in their life.

I do not associate today with romance.  This could be because I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, or it could just be because I'm weird.   But I think the real reason is because I associate today not with an expression of emotion, but with an actual emotion - love - that I give and receive regardless of whether I'm in a romantic relationship.

When I was growing up, my mom would always make cookies for Valentine's Day.  And not just any cookies, we're talking plate-sized heart shaped sugar cookies complete with pink icing and usually our names written on them.  I like to think our names were on them because we are each special, but it may also have had a practical purpose in keeping us kids from eating each other's cookies.  Anyway, my memories of Valentine's Day are associated with cookies, and knowing that my mom loved me enough to make me my own special cookie.

All the kids have moved out, so my mom doesn't make the heart cookies anymore.  I have taken up the tradition for myself (although I admit, mine are much smaller and not personalized).  I have no kids, but there are plenty of people I love, and making special cookies for them is one way to show it.  Interestingly enough, when I came home tonight from delivering my little gifts of love, I found that someone had left me my own gift of love.  Yes, there was a plate of heart shaped cookies complete with pink icing left on my doorstep.  But even without the cookies, I know that I am loved, not only by my parents, my family and friends, but by my Saviour, who makes all things bearable, and through whom all things are possible.

Owner of a Lonely Heart?

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning during sacrament meeting - note to self, church is not a good place for a successful pity party.  I'm generally not prone to pity parties, although it's occasionally fun to crash someone else's.  I'm blaming this one on the fact that I didn't get enough sleep last night, so all I wanted to do was lean on someone's shoulder and sleep, but I didn't have any shoulder to lean on.  Instead of immediately being grateful for the lack of shoulder, as it would prevent me from sleeping in sacrament, I chose to feel lonely instead.

But then I was reminded of a hymn - I know That my Redeemer Lives.  I've always loved the music to this hymn, but often don't pay enough attention to the lyrics.  Today I was struck by parts of the second verse:
He lives to grant me rich supply.
...
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.
...
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.

Even though it ensures the end of the party, there is no better guest than the Saviour to have during a pity party.  He does grant me rich supply - what He knows I need, not what I think I need (listening to the talks was definitely more important than sleeping through them).  He hears my complaints and comforts me in times of sadness or loneliness, and so long as I am worthy, He will impart all blessings to me in His own time.  I expect this reminder was much more beneficial for me in the long run than the male shoulder I was wishing for.   And when you add to it the lovely nap after church, overall it's been a wonderful day.

Winds of Change

I often hear of women who make changes to their lives, their dress size, their hair colour, their recreational preferences, because they think it will make some specific guy either like them or stay with them.  This saddens me.

Several years ago, when I was in my last fit phase, I was dating a guy who in essence told me I was not very comfortable to cuddle with and could use a little more meat on my bones.  While I'm sure he'd find me much more comfortable now, the change occurred because I like eating more than I like exercising, and not because he asked me to change. 

So do I think it's wrong to change for a guy?  Not at all.  But I think it's very sad to change because you think it will make someone like you.  If you are changing because you truly think it will make you a better person, that is great, but if some guy doesn't like you the way you are, he's probably not going to like you no matter how much you change for him.  He will just learn that you have little self confidence and are an easy mark for a power trip.

Another time I dated a guy who was very tactile and visual - he liked soft things and shiny things.  While he never asked me to, I found myself buying softer clothes and shinier earrings because I knew he would like it.  Why did I change?  Because he already liked me the way I was, and because I liked him, and knew that my simple actions could make him happy without changing who I am.  I also knew that he was also making little changes in his life to make me happy.  In retrospect, I did not feel the same way about the other guy, as I had no desire to change any aspect of my life for him, and didn't see any of that desire in him either.

So if you find yourself thinking about making some changes related to a man, think about whether you're changing to get him to like you, or because he likes you.  You might also want to think about whether you would make those changes if he wasn't in the picture.  If there's no way you would make the change on your own, you might want to think twice about making it with him. (Although I recognize that change instigated by another person can be a good thing - sometimes you need some external impetus.)

Feelin' hot, hot hot!

Do you ever have days where you look in the mirror and think, "I look goooood today"?  And then you think, "who can I share these good looks with?  Who will appreciate them?"  Then you look around your house, and what do you know, there's no one there to tell you how hot you look.  And maybe you think, "if I had a husband, he would tell me how hot I look."  

Do you ever wish you had someone to ask "do these pants make my butt look fat?" (personally, if you have to ask, you shouldn't be wearing them.  Either that, or you've got some self confidence issues.)  Or have a great day at work, or accomplish a personal best and really want someone to share it with who will truly appreciate what you have done and celebrate with you?

If you had a husband, he could do all of those things for you.  Not saying he would, but he certainly could.   My thought is, why wait for a husband?  Hopefully you've got friends who can tell you all of those things.  But there's something even better.  If you can learn to recognize your own beauty, whether internal or external, celebrate your own achievements, and figure out what looks good on you without assistance (it only took me about 10 years of running my clothing purchases past my sister for approval before I finally figured out for myself what works for me), you will not need to depend on someone else for your happiness.  And then when you do find a husband who can give you complements and celebrate with you, you've got a bonus.

So how do you learn this? Remember the very first line of the Young Women's theme - "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us..."  He made you beautiful, talented, and capable of being happy - whatever your situation in life.

Resolution

Well, a new year is here, and I am thinking about resolutions.  Or rather, I'm avoiding thinking about it, as evidenced by the fact that it's the middle of January and I'm only just getting around to writing about it.

I've been pretty good for the last few years at setting goals - I pick three goals at the beginning of the year, and work towards them.  Usually I accomplish at least two of the three, but last year I was less diligent and only managed to partially complete two of them, and didn't get anywhere on the third.  Which may be why I'm so slow to get around to it this year.

I've thought about setting goals that I know I can accomplish, like "eat all my Christmas candy" (I can check that one off already), or "date less than I did last year", but I do like to have a bit of a challenge.  But until recently I hadn't had any thoughts on what my challenge should be.

Then I went to a fireside and had the realization that I need to magnify myself.  I know, those of you who know me (yes, DB, I'm talking to you) may be thinking, "but wait, your head is already big enough".  But that's not what I'm talking about.  Just as we need to magnify our callings, and do everything we can, including sometimes stepping past what we think are our limits, to fulfill the trust the Lord has placed in us, so we need to magnify ourselves, and fulfill the trust the Lord has placed in us individually by sending us, or letting us come, to earth.

President Uchtdorf gave a fabulous talk in the April 2011 general conference priesthood session about living up to your privileges.  This is something that we can and should do regardless of our marital status.    And it should probably start by figuring out what your privileges are - to inherit the Father's kingdom and become like God.

When I think about my celestial potential to become a queen, I realize that I've got a lot of magnifying to do, and a long way to go to live up to my privileges.  If I don't figure out how to do that now, it will likely be even more difficult to figure it out while trying to work with a husband.  And also, I'd like a husband who is trying to live up to his privileges, so I'd better get going on my own magnification process so I'll be worthy of what I'm looking for.

Now I need to figure out three goals that will help magnify me. Although really, eating all my Christmas candy has done a pretty good job on that already, in a very temporal way.